They Should be Called S&Ms

it's quite possible i'm a pervert-- in fact, very likely-- but am i the only one who finds the history of m&ms raunchy and pornographic?

it never really hit me until i saw facebook's advertisement for the new m&ms with pretzels. it said, "we put a pretzel inside an m&m." and showed an anthropomorphic pretzel looking at crispy (the orange m&m) with worried eyes. "we're not saying they were happy about it."

and the x-ray is the worst.

what?

that's gross as hell-- i'm sorry. the candy company managed to take something as innocent as a pretzel covered in chocolate and a thin candy shell, and turned it into a strange full-body version of inter-species fisting. i mean, with that ad, i literally found myself imagining the poor pretzel being stuffed up the rectum of the orange m&m. and not just the poor pretzel-- the poor m&m, too.

but, while i was staring at the two horrified characters, i realized that this isn't new. there was always something strange about how sexual the green m&m was and i'd be lying if i said i'd never imagined red, blue, yellow, and crispy doing a train on her after a night of hard drinking.

don't even try and tell me i'm alone on this one. i've watched the m&m's play strip poker. and in every green m&m commercial, all the other candies are totally smitten-- till she came along, i don't think they were aware that female candies even existed. and, you know, she's kind of a slut.

but with all their previous perversion in mind, i sat back to re-think their famous slogan: melts in your mouth, not in your hand. and for a minute, i was horrified.

was melts in your mouth, not in your hand just sleezy m&m speak for give me a blowjob, not a handjob this entire time? like how carl's jr's if it doesn't get all over the place it doesn't belong in your face was just hamburger language for getting a load sprayed all over your mouth.

i don't think i can eat m&ms anymore.