Review: The Vampire Watcher's Handbook by Constantine Gregory

As Halloween is almost upon us, I figured that I should write a book review about an appropriately ghoulish subject: the vampire.

Product Summary

The Vampire Watcher's Handbook presents a wealth of information on the lore and history of vampires, covers all the various major traditions of this much-discussed revenant. From how to dis-tinquish a 'real' vampire from a 'wannabee' (which helps avoid those embarrassing staking mistakes), to effective means of escap-ing unscathed the clutches of a ravenous creature of the night, this is a comprehensive look at the ways and means of the Undead. 

The Vampire Watcher's Handbook is 'reprinted' from a turn-of-the-century compendium of the craft, complete with the annota-tions of the book's original owner (whose name and fate remain unknown). For those who wish to pursue a career path as the scourge of the vampires, it includes lists of necessary equipment and essential knowledge for hunting and retiring all the various types of bloodsucking fiends (stakes and holy water not pro-vided). But it also includes many useful tips for those for whom bird watching and trainspotting have lost their charm and who now wish to observe in their natural habitat this most compelling of unnatural creatures, without ending up on the dinner menu.

First Impressions

The Vampire Watcher's Handbook is a work of satirical nonfiction presented as a guidebook for slayer neophytes. The book is (allegedly) written by a priest/slayer/priestly slayer by the name of Constantine. As you may suspect, this is a pseudonym. The marketing gimmicks of the book will either delight or grate on readers depending on their temperament. I was forgiving. 

The book itself is beautiful. From the blood red cover with its non-reflective mirror, to the worn pages accented with blood splatter, to the cursive notes scribbled in the margins, the design and layout is absolutely superb.

The book is divided into five sections:

WHAT ARE VAMPIRES? 

A.k.a. Vampires 101, this covers the basics: what is a vampire, the origin of the vampire,  the vampire throughout history, and vampire epidemics throughout the ages.

IDENTIFYING THE UNDEAD

The first part of this section explains many ways in which a person may become a vampire, and those who are most at risk of being turned after death. The rest of the chapter provides methods to identify vampires, both in human and nonhuman forms.

FINDING VAMPIRES

This chapter is almost entirely focussed on helping potential slayers recognize the signs of vampiric activity in any given community.

PREVENTING VAMPIRES

The focus of this chapter is on the specific measures one must take in order to ensure that a corpse doesn't return as a vampire. Some of said helpful measures include: binding or mutilating corpses and making offerings and/or sacrifices to ward them off.

SLAYING VAMPIRES

Provides the slayer information about the arsenal of weapons available at their disposal: garlic, stakes, holy water, mirrors, crucifixes, seeds, and more.

Final Thoughts

Definitely a light read, but a lot of fun. There are interesting anecdotes, quotations, and lore that will appeal to many a reader, but those who have immersed themselves in vampire lore will likely not encounter much that is new.

While this is definitely not an encyclopedia of vampire knowledge, The Vampire Watcher's Handbook is still worth a read, especially with the advent of Halloween fast approaching.