I Want to be a Scientist When I Grow Up

how much money do you suppose the world spends on findings of unusual and pointless statistics? i don't know the answer, but i am curious. is there a budget for that sort of thing? i mean, years ago, the white house underwent a lengthy study to be sure all of their in-house ashtrays would break into only three parts if shattered. i don't remember what it cost, but it was upwards of a million dollar study.

more recently, france determined that the best way to pour champagne is actually at a 45 angle-- or, in other words, the same way you pour a beer. there is no word on how expensive the study was, but if it was more than $6 i would consider it a waste as they could've just bought me a mimosa and watched how i pour my champagne. instead, they used infrared thermography to determine which method of pouring released the most visible carbon dioxide.

no, i know. for a team which loves mimosas, you'd expect this all to just be common knowledge. but i promise this is real.

are these sorts of things like the construction industry? do they just need to spend a ridiculous amount of money each year so they've made it to their annual estimate and won't get a pay cut the following year?

if so, i want a job. i've got all sorts of tests that i'd like to see in action.

like what percentage of the earth's weight is poop?

i mean, we got this lady here, who spends her day lifting a cat six feet up and dropping her one hundred times in a row to see if she lands on her feet. and then she does five feet one hundred times-- all the way to one foot. and she's a phd in italy. she wrote a fucking book about it.

in my mind, dropping a cat from bookshelves is not considered science, news, or interesting-- in fact, the going theory that "cats always land on their feet" was not meant to be taken literally. as the italian phd has proved, the cat will land on its feet from all heights except a foot above the ground. the reason no one mentions this is because the cat would not be injured from such a short fall-- hence no one cares; hence cats always land on their feet.

if this is what we pay our brilliant doctors to study, i want in. my ideas should win a fucking ig nobel prize.

you're a little curious what percentage of the planet is poop, too.