at first, i had a tiny moral battle about whether or not i should try to grab a part-time job when i have so many friends who need a job more than me. i know i just wrote that my money is low-- but i'm not screwed-- i'm actually more interested in a job for activity and something to keep my mind busy. there are people i know who literally have applied for food stamps, and my goal is not to make their lives harder by sweeping up the few jobs that do exist.i'm not talking about crusty punks who choose not to work because they would rather complain about how hard their lives are never having to pay bills but always struggling to get a forty.
but some people have been trying to get jobs for months and are on the brink of having to move back in with their parents because of it. those are the people i don't want to hurt.
so, to solve this issue, i applied for the jobs i know no one else wanted.
this included auditioning to be a beaver mascot for a moscone convention center event-- which i landed, on the grounds that it's pretty hard not to land a gig as humiliating as such if you're even willing to try. so, in the next week, i'll be beavered-up and ready to promote this and that at moscone. i'm a little worried about whether or not i'm allowed to take off my toothy "head" to smoke a cigarette-- but i'm sure i'll survive.
i also applied to be a "male balloon buster".
i would be paid $75/hr to sit on balloons and pop them on camera. i'll be honest: my guess is that the footage will been circulated amongst those with fetishes for that sort of activity and my balloon-popping self will be their masturbation material. i can't imagine any other use for it.
and i'm okay with that. people can masturbate to the strangest things and it's not like i'll be getting naked. for all i know, people can be masturbating to my blog right now and that doesn't bother me either. what viewers choose to do with what they see is entirely up to them. so i don't directly consider the balloon-busting position a porn position.
though the employers better be talking about normal balloons and not long animal balloons. and by "sitting on them" they'd better mean what i think and not what i don't want to think.
...i'll bring a bodyguard friend if i get the gig. but so far, no word on whether or not they want me yet.
most recently, i was asked to come into an interview at a shoe store. they're hoping to fill the coveted spot of "guy who measures your feet with that metal thing and always suggests shoes too small" on a part-time basis. i'm going to go to the interview, but i don't know if i'll take the job. it's not interesting enough.
i want something that can either stir awkward experiences regularly, or something that can readjust my sleep-schedule and interaction with the public. the shoe-bit might help with my sleep pattern, but i'm worried it'll be deathly boring and won't have solved my thirst for chaos at all.
but, no matter what job i pick, there is one thing that i realized and it's that no one really has an excuse for not having a job. before applying to a few craigslisted positions i was worried about taking jobs from a barren market-- as i mentioned at the start of this post-- but it only took me one day to find work. sure it's beavering about and potentially measuring feet or bursting balloons with my bottom-- but it's work.
everybody wants a high-paid professional job that looks them in the eye and says, "good morning. you are very important to the world." but if you've had no luck finding that job and are down to your last dollar-- and people are sick of lending you money-- it may be time to drop the bar a bit.
it sucks, i know. but it doesn't suck as much as having dinner be the leftover pastries cafés throw out at the end of the day. if you think your standards are where they belong and that you are high-class material, then you should already have a job. if not, it's time to readjust your standards and work upward from there.
look, i once made $175 for wearing a lindsay lohan-styled bracelet for a month. it monitored the alcoholic content of my sweat, my blood pressure, and heart-rate. and for that month, i had to carry around a diary and record every drink i had. it was embarrassing at parties and bars especially. it was also a bit awkward to raise my hand in class because everyone could see the damn thing and would immediately ask what it was. i would explain that it was for medical research, but everyone silently assumed it was for some form of probation.
another time, i was paid $350 to have a camera crew follow me around for four hours. the only stipulation was that they wanted to see how i lived my life regarding electronics. it was a win-win for me. i decided i would take them on a trip to film a documentary. it was a trick, really. they got to film my "electronic life" as requested, and i got to look like i had a film crew of seven with three hd cameras any time i went to interview someone. and $350 for it.
if you want a job, go get a job. but it helps to be creative. creative and shameless.
anyway, good luck to you all and wish me luck with... being a beaver.
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