i know my blazer size. all my blazers are the same size and they always have been. so when i ordered myself the tiny 36R, i was confident knowing i could slide it out of my mailbox and around my torso with great comfort and perfected ridiculousness.
but there is no way what i received is a 36R. the sleeves end somewhere between my elbows and my wrists, and the shoulders nearly burst if i button it all up. it's like a 32S if those even exist.
digital garage sales are always a gamble, i suppose.
anyway, that is not the reason i'm writing to you. the miniature jacket wasn't very expensive and i'm sure i can make use of it somehow. maybe i can alter it to fit our overweight cat.
but what bothered me was finding a small christmas card inside my package, with the words "Wishing you a holiday season filled with pride in our country and the love of family and friends." followed by a handwritten, "Rock on!" and a doodle of a musical note.
oh, how cute! is santa claus holding an american flag christmas tree?first off, it's hardly october. santa has no right showing his bearded face until at least november unless he's meant as a poorly chosen halloween costume.
secondly, i fucking hate christmas and despise hearing about it even when it is nearby. and don't call it the "holiday season" if you're going to slap that fluffy-coated pedophile on the front-- just call it "christmas" like you mean.
and, actually, where do you even buy christmas cards this time of year? do you have some kind of gigantic box of them so you'll never run out? because if so, i have what i believe to be a more logical solution: don't send them out in october. they'll last longer if you use them during the actual holiday season.
i once tried to write a musical about a failing camera store that needed to increase sales so as not to be shut down. the idea was that the employees would decide to bring christmas three months early-- in hopes to boost consumerist panic. it was mostly based around the fact i could easily rhyme "september" with "december." and also because i thought it would be funny to have a character singing about the christmas while walking through aisles of halloween costumes.
it was a dumb idea, but i worked at a camera store back then.
i just never thought i'd see this sort of nonsense in real life. this is the earliest "merry christmas" i've ever received-- and when joined with a misfit blazer, it feels much more like an early "fuck you."
for a brief moment, i thought the high level of american pride santa has on the card-- despite the fact he's not an american unless we own the north pole, too-- was meant to make your card a sort of independence day christmas-time hybrid. but that's probably the only thing more stupid than either of them separately. santa would hate the 4th of july.
then i thought maybe you were in a hurry and just put the wrong greeting card in my package. but that's not very likely either because you hand-wrote that goofy little sentence with the musical note.
so, i'm lost on this one. am i the first person to bring this up? am i the weird one for thinking october 2nd is not exactly the holiday season? i just... really need to know.
mystifiedly,
president wishnack
p.s. happy valentine's day-- rock on ♬!
No comments:
Post a Comment