Miners Rescue 33 Types of Chili

i've had a few people ask me while i haven't written anything about the 33 types of chili those miners just discovered. apparently it was kept thousands of feet under ground for 69 days and that has something to do with the secret behind its recipe. and i guess i haven't mentioned it here because i don't really follow the news. and because i don't like chili. it gives me diarrhea.

everyone keeps saying this is a big deal because there were all sorts of scientific contraptions involved and because one chili was so popular it actually broke up a marriage. and another chili is being taken to elvis' graceland for some reason. but if you don't like you chili, you don't like chili and that's it. it's like if you told superman that you'd found 33 new kinds of kryptonite underground-- he would be like, "dude, i don't want to hear about this."

so can we all just set our differences aside? i don't like you chili. you do, and that's great, but i don't. that doesn't mean you have to get angry at me and call me insensitive or make cracks about how my taste in food is somehow related to my lack of attention to current events. quite frankly, i don't even see how this whole ordeal made the news. aren't there more serious things going on? what about all the people in other countries who are dying, or are trapped in horrible life-threatening situations? what about present-day historical landmarks? it's all just chili and bees on the poorch with you people.

are you all just pretending to be interested in this? it's just meat and hot sauce. have you seriously not seen the real news?

way more interesting-- and important-- than mexican food. some of the passersby have been left staring upward, without any answers, for nearly 45 minutes. do you have any idea how arduous it must be to survive almost an hour without any updates on the situation? i can't.

i'll let you know more as the story unfolds-- but in the meantime, let's all pray for the citizens of chelsea, new york.

UPDATE: apparently i was misinformed. the chili story has nothing to do with chili. it's actually something about how the chilean (different than chili) government decided to put 33 minors underground because nasa said it would be the first time in 69 days that someone under the age of eighteen has tried. i guess that's a little cooler.

more on ufos later.