Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear
Today over 12 city blocks gathered in Washington to support Jon Stewart & Stephen Colbert in their Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear.
America--I'm rarely proud of you, but today you've proven to me that some of you have it together; many of you can recognize that your enemies aren't each other, but rather, Fox News, Glenn Beck, Bill O' Reilly, and the rest of the scum that feed on sensationalism and sell you fear on a daily basis.
If we amplify everything, we hear nothing. - Jon Stewart
(click the quote above for a summary of the day's events)
Friday, October 29, 2010
Review: The Vampire Watcher's Handbook by Constantine Gregory
As Halloween is almost upon us, I figured that I should write a book review about an appropriately ghoulish subject: the vampire.
Product Summary
The Vampire Watcher's Handbook presents a wealth of information on the lore and history of vampires, covers all the various major traditions of this much-discussed revenant. From how to dis-tinquish a 'real' vampire from a 'wannabee' (which helps avoid those embarrassing staking mistakes), to effective means of escap-ing unscathed the clutches of a ravenous creature of the night, this is a comprehensive look at the ways and means of the Undead.
The Vampire Watcher's Handbook is 'reprinted' from a turn-of-the-century compendium of the craft, complete with the annota-tions of the book's original owner (whose name and fate remain unknown). For those who wish to pursue a career path as the scourge of the vampires, it includes lists of necessary equipment and essential knowledge for hunting and retiring all the various types of bloodsucking fiends (stakes and holy water not pro-vided). But it also includes many useful tips for those for whom bird watching and trainspotting have lost their charm and who now wish to observe in their natural habitat this most compelling of unnatural creatures, without ending up on the dinner menu.
First Impressions
The Vampire Watcher's Handbook is a work of satirical nonfiction presented as a guidebook for slayer neophytes. The book is (allegedly) written by a priest/slayer/priestly slayer by the name of Constantine. As you may suspect, this is a pseudonym. The marketing gimmicks of the book will either delight or grate on readers depending on their temperament. I was forgiving.
The book itself is beautiful. From the blood red cover with its non-reflective mirror, to the worn pages accented with blood splatter, to the cursive notes scribbled in the margins, the design and layout is absolutely superb.
The book is divided into five sections:
WHAT ARE VAMPIRES?
A.k.a. Vampires 101, this covers the basics: what is a vampire, the origin of the vampire, the vampire throughout history, and vampire epidemics throughout the ages.
IDENTIFYING THE UNDEAD
The first part of this section explains many ways in which a person may become a vampire, and those who are most at risk of being turned after death. The rest of the chapter provides methods to identify vampires, both in human and nonhuman forms.
FINDING VAMPIRES
This chapter is almost entirely focussed on helping potential slayers recognize the signs of vampiric activity in any given community.
PREVENTING VAMPIRES
The focus of this chapter is on the specific measures one must take in order to ensure that a corpse doesn't return as a vampire. Some of said helpful measures include: binding or mutilating corpses and making offerings and/or sacrifices to ward them off.
SLAYING VAMPIRES
Provides the slayer information about the arsenal of weapons available at their disposal: garlic, stakes, holy water, mirrors, crucifixes, seeds, and more.
Final Thoughts
Definitely a light read, but a lot of fun. There are interesting anecdotes, quotations, and lore that will appeal to many a reader, but those who have immersed themselves in vampire lore will likely not encounter much that is new.
While this is definitely not an encyclopedia of vampire knowledge, The Vampire Watcher's Handbook is still worth a read, especially with the advent of Halloween fast approaching.
While this is definitely not an encyclopedia of vampire knowledge, The Vampire Watcher's Handbook is still worth a read, especially with the advent of Halloween fast approaching.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Intoxicated Poop Segment: Part the one that comes after XCIII
I've noticed the blog has a been a bit poop-light of late and quite frankly it's the only subject I can squeeze out without too much thought or energy. HA! See what I did there?! Yeah well, it's been three days since a post here, so suck it up.
So I was watching this web series called The Legend of Neil which is pretty darn funny, you should check it out. It has sexy faeries and stuff. Anyway, there was a line in the conclusion where the main character was going to "release the mud sharks" as an expression of taking a dump. I had never heard that one before. This inspired me to look for some other euphemisms for your reading pleasure to use the next time you want to offer Too Much Information to your coworkers. I've picked a few of the more unique ones.
On a side note, I was pretty disturbed that Google already knew what I was going to look for within three suggestions. I'd be more disturbed if that is simply the more common thing people want euphemisms for, only after death. I wonder how many times, statistically, that death and pooping overlap.
So I was watching this web series called The Legend of Neil which is pretty darn funny, you should check it out. It has sexy faeries and stuff. Anyway, there was a line in the conclusion where the main character was going to "release the mud sharks" as an expression of taking a dump. I had never heard that one before. This inspired me to look for some other euphemisms for your reading pleasure to use the next time you want to offer Too Much Information to your coworkers. I've picked a few of the more unique ones.
On a side note, I was pretty disturbed that Google already knew what I was going to look for within three suggestions. I'd be more disturbed if that is simply the more common thing people want euphemisms for, only after death. I wonder how many times, statistically, that death and pooping overlap.
Well, that was easy. Google must get a lot of fiber.
- Baking a hot icicle
- Bombing the Oval Office
- Burying an elf
- Cooking a brown carrot
- Dancing with Duece Bigalog
- Dropping a chocolate cobra
- Exporting a cigar to Cuba
- Helping the groundhog find his shadow
- Igniting a rectal rocket
- Making a deposit at the porcelain bank
- Making a Minnesota hand warmer
- Negotiating the release of the chocolate hostages
- Paving the Hershey highway
- Punching a grumpy
- Reversing a Ho-Ho
- Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl
- Updating the Captain's log
There are several lists out there, but if you want to see more, this one may be the most comprehensive.
Now excuse my while I go Play The Brown Noise.
100 Follower Contest Ends October 31st - Have You Entered Yet?
As I work out my lease, prepare for NaNoWriMo, reach the end of my first draft manuscript and play far too much Final Fantasy XIII, I ought to remind you all that my 100 follower contest ends in just a few days. Up for grabs is a 50$ gift certificate to Amazon; additionally, the runner up prize is Betsy Lerner's The Forest for the Trees: An Editor's Advice to Writers. So if you haven't already entered, this would be your cue to do so now.
I'll see you guys again sometime tomorrow evening with another book review.
Ciao!
I'll see you guys again sometime tomorrow evening with another book review.
Ciao!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Things will be Better in the Future
i was sitting in my shit-hole of an apartment wondering how it was 2027 already, and how nob hill had ever transformed into a bad neighborhood. it was the teenagers, i think. but it was the scientists first.
there's no point in cleaning graffiti off your bedroom walls when it'll only be back in an hour-- cleaning it just gives the hackers more wall-space for their unruly gang signs and penis drawings. bedroom graffiti is something i've gotten used to over the years and i suppose it's modern decoration in a way.
do you remember when we would take buses and cabs to places we needed to go? do you remember when we would walk? i miss those days. no one ever talks to anyone any more because no one ever sees anyone any more-- it's all just clicks and whizzes and we're buying organic pesto sauce for our rubber noodles.
i was in the front of the protest when they decided to put those damn machines on the tops of mountains. they called it the elevator of the future. but there was nothing charming about it no matter what they named it. i didn't like the idea of these elevators becoming household necessities, but it had its benefits at first. i was able to visit my friends and family more often and it seemed like the new technology was quite possibly invented to strengthen the bonds of humankind.
but that was at first. that was before the mountains, the deserts, and the rain-forests. what was left of nature anyway.
a team of us were in our thirties at the time and protesting what we knew would be the end of everything. in the 1950's, people had complaints about the television. in the early 2000's the complaints turned to the internet and computer. i was sometimes bittersweet about those inventions, but the elevator was the first of them to cross a certain line for me.
we all had an elevator. every store had an elevator. and we would zip and fly to each location in a second's time-- it was the first time i felt like we were in the future and i think most people felt the same way. we were less skeptical than we were amazed and high-fives went world-wide because we were the generation alive to see the days of teleportation. this was better than the internet-- this was real. we could literally talk to our families in other countries because we could take the elevator there in no time and the services were practically free.
but there were problems.
at first there were connection interruptions and we all lost friends and family to whatever the space between elevators was. they would enter their own, headed to mine, and never arrive. people had theories of what the limbo must be like and a few people claimed to have visited that space-- though they were deemed crazy by most.
losing my sister in the elevator changed everything for me. i lost her, i lost my job, and i lost me.
and then came the teenagers; the hackers. they had found a way to unlock coordinates to all elevators, whether or not they were invited. they would show up in our apartments late at night and steal whatever they thought they wanted. if there was nothing to steal, they would tag our walls with their teenage gang signs and smash our furniture.
but no one seemed to care. they said these sorts of things happened when the internet was new, too. they said it would level off and go away eventually. and then they announced the addition of the elevator to major mountain-tops and natural landmarks-- no longer would a hike be necessary to get a glorious view. they tried to amaze us with horrible distractions and offerings of visiting the scattered remains of the amazon.
and we protested. the view is nothing without the journey. but it happened anyway.
the hackers moved toward defacing the earth's natural wonders and had even found a way to scramble their trail so no police could follow them through the elevators. the addition of elevators in nature was possibly the worst move in human history and in some ways i was happy my sister didn't have to live through it.
i was taken to a ward after trying to destroy my elevator. i couldn't stand to see the machine in my house-- it was like staring a murderer in the eye and knowing i was still its slave. but you couldn't destroy your elevator. trying was just a simple way of declaring yourself insane and being transported to a hospital where everything gets worse. the drugs the stick in you, the scans and tests-- no one could understand a human so outwardly against the advancement of technology. but i think my fear was inside everyone, and they couldn't stand to see it.
so they quieted me.
i don't know how long i was kept in that ward. i don't know how it got to be 2027. i had nothing left for the hackers to rob or deface, and i had no dignity left for the doctors to rob or deface.
i had my couch and i had my god forsaken elevator.
and i had one picture of my family.
don't worry, things will be better in the future.
there's no point in cleaning graffiti off your bedroom walls when it'll only be back in an hour-- cleaning it just gives the hackers more wall-space for their unruly gang signs and penis drawings. bedroom graffiti is something i've gotten used to over the years and i suppose it's modern decoration in a way.
do you remember when we would take buses and cabs to places we needed to go? do you remember when we would walk? i miss those days. no one ever talks to anyone any more because no one ever sees anyone any more-- it's all just clicks and whizzes and we're buying organic pesto sauce for our rubber noodles.i was in the front of the protest when they decided to put those damn machines on the tops of mountains. they called it the elevator of the future. but there was nothing charming about it no matter what they named it. i didn't like the idea of these elevators becoming household necessities, but it had its benefits at first. i was able to visit my friends and family more often and it seemed like the new technology was quite possibly invented to strengthen the bonds of humankind.
but that was at first. that was before the mountains, the deserts, and the rain-forests. what was left of nature anyway.
a team of us were in our thirties at the time and protesting what we knew would be the end of everything. in the 1950's, people had complaints about the television. in the early 2000's the complaints turned to the internet and computer. i was sometimes bittersweet about those inventions, but the elevator was the first of them to cross a certain line for me.
we all had an elevator. every store had an elevator. and we would zip and fly to each location in a second's time-- it was the first time i felt like we were in the future and i think most people felt the same way. we were less skeptical than we were amazed and high-fives went world-wide because we were the generation alive to see the days of teleportation. this was better than the internet-- this was real. we could literally talk to our families in other countries because we could take the elevator there in no time and the services were practically free.
but there were problems.
at first there were connection interruptions and we all lost friends and family to whatever the space between elevators was. they would enter their own, headed to mine, and never arrive. people had theories of what the limbo must be like and a few people claimed to have visited that space-- though they were deemed crazy by most.
losing my sister in the elevator changed everything for me. i lost her, i lost my job, and i lost me.
and then came the teenagers; the hackers. they had found a way to unlock coordinates to all elevators, whether or not they were invited. they would show up in our apartments late at night and steal whatever they thought they wanted. if there was nothing to steal, they would tag our walls with their teenage gang signs and smash our furniture.
but no one seemed to care. they said these sorts of things happened when the internet was new, too. they said it would level off and go away eventually. and then they announced the addition of the elevator to major mountain-tops and natural landmarks-- no longer would a hike be necessary to get a glorious view. they tried to amaze us with horrible distractions and offerings of visiting the scattered remains of the amazon.
and we protested. the view is nothing without the journey. but it happened anyway.
the hackers moved toward defacing the earth's natural wonders and had even found a way to scramble their trail so no police could follow them through the elevators. the addition of elevators in nature was possibly the worst move in human history and in some ways i was happy my sister didn't have to live through it.
i was taken to a ward after trying to destroy my elevator. i couldn't stand to see the machine in my house-- it was like staring a murderer in the eye and knowing i was still its slave. but you couldn't destroy your elevator. trying was just a simple way of declaring yourself insane and being transported to a hospital where everything gets worse. the drugs the stick in you, the scans and tests-- no one could understand a human so outwardly against the advancement of technology. but i think my fear was inside everyone, and they couldn't stand to see it.
so they quieted me.
i don't know how long i was kept in that ward. i don't know how it got to be 2027. i had nothing left for the hackers to rob or deface, and i had no dignity left for the doctors to rob or deface.
i had my couch and i had my god forsaken elevator.
and i had one picture of my family.
Two Great Articles from Writer's Digest Worth Reading
I've come across two articles on Writer's Digest that many of you may enjoy. Be sure to check them out and let me know what you think!
The 3 Key Types of "Stakes" that Drive Novels
How Charlaine Harris Novels Became True Blood
The 3 Key Types of "Stakes" that Drive Novels
How Charlaine Harris Novels Became True Blood
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Thieves and Things
when i saw the chart that explained fifteen pairs of shoes were stolen every day of the past year, i was excited. i was once informed that there is one golden gate bridge suicide every two weeks, but that was never something i wanted to see. i saw it happen twice and there were no redeeming qualities that made either experience worthwhile. but thieves-- oh, thieves-- they are a type of bad i would love to run into at the work-place. and at fifteen a day, it's a soft guarantee.
i am, admittedly, a voyeur of sorts. but, in fairness, i'm also quite an exhibitionist. i may gain great pleasure from watching a stranger do boring things, but i am completely fine with you doing the same to me.
and there is something that i love about thieves. i can't put it into words exactly, but to watch a thief is like getting to rate someone's cleverness. look, you can buy a nikon d40 ($675) and d90 ($975), sell the d90 on ebay and return the d40 in the d90's box for full price within thirty days-- you'll make almost $300 in profit because the d40 and 90 have the same camera body and no one ever notices the tiny pill-sized piece of silver that says the model number. anyone can do it, but i would catch you. it's a battle of wits. if you get by me, you win: you out-clevered me.
i'm a sucker for that sort of game.
i missed a girl break down crying after being caught trying to steal these chucks.
my first day of training was surprisingly laid back, and that may have been related to the my floor being men's shoes and well away from the chaos known as women's boots. but, for the most part it seems like the job is doing a mixture of fixing the placement of shoe displays and pretending to fix the placement of shoe displays. but, whether the fixing is fake or legitimate, the real goal is to talk to every customer and be sure s/he is happy.
at first i was an odd form of shy-- i had no trouble talking with co-workers, but there was a fear preventing me from doing much more than smiling at the shoe-browsing strangers. it's likely because i know nothing of shoes and felt a bit out of my conversational element in a shoe store dressed as a shoe-lover. this must've been how bruce wayne felt when he slow-danced with selina kyle. batman and catwoman: so, what do we do now?
something about the experience reminded me a bit of a library. it's all very gentle and the customers are not very talkative because they're looking for something that says something about who they are. there is a difference between the way someone shops for a camera and the way the same person shops for shoes. there are differences in everything. even when i was a tour guide and was dating a server who worked on the wharf, we both had separate ideas of which tourists tipped well and which did not. but, people are different with their food and their entertainment. while some countries refused to tip her, those same countries would tip me amazingly-- and vice versa.
based off just one five hour shift at the shoe store, it seems the audience of shoe-buyers are delicate, but friendly. if i smile at them, they will smile at me-- men and women alike seem to thoroughly enjoy the smile, and so much more than any other job i've previously had. it's like they're not expecting it while buying shoes. they expect it from their tour guide and so they don't always appreciate it when it comes because it may not be genuine. but it's much harder to have a conversation with a shoe-buyer than it is a tourist. you sort of have to sit back and let them decide to talk to you.
the first conversation i had was short and direct. a middle-aged man in a double-breasted business suit approached me with a great stride. he was confident and began making eye-contact with me well before his voice would've been able to reach me and continued to until his stride brought him to me.
"men's wallets!" he said in a voice that had confident charm and resembled a public relations person.
i pointed him the right direction and felt good knowing i was able to talk to my first customer without being question on any shoe-related knowledge. also, i was happy i knew where the wallets were.
shortly after, i returned to my wandering of the floor-- tying undone laces, repositioning backwards shoes, tracing down the homes of discarded loafers, and generally tidying up. people are much more ruthless with sneakers-- tossing them everywhere and leaving boxes destroyed-- but, the people looking for loafers are just creatively stupid. they manage to take one dress shoe and put it in the wrong box four aisles away as if that's just how it's done.
but, i was cleaning up a rack of scarves and socks when i realized what all had happened.
there were three small boxes with nothing inside, hanging out at the base of the men's wallet stand. that fucking business man.
we all have our preconceptions of thieves and what they might look like. and he knew. he waltzed over well-dressed in his navy-blue pin-stripped suit and declared, "i am interested in stealing three wallets but cannot locate them-- would you mind aiding me in my quest?" and he got me. i showed him the wallets and sat back smiling at the fact i had talked to my first shoe-stranger.
why would he steal? he has a nice suit and he talked to me. i'll just let him do whatever he wants over by the wallets and i won't even check on him because he's the type of guy who would come to me if he needed help.
it's funny because i've always said that indiana jones is realistic in the sense that you really only have to dress like a nazi for other nazis to believe you're one of them. there's that classic scene in so many movies where the hero's hand grabs the guard from off-screen, there's a punch sound effect, and then emerges the hero in the guard's uniform. and everyone says it's hokey and unrealistic. but it's real. i used to dress as ups delivery men, or janitors, and people believed it based on nothing other than the uniform. once, i was even dressed as a magician and performed failed magic tricks for hours, but people stayed to watch because they thought maybe it was just a part of my magical act.
and despite all of that, this blue-suited man got me with my own god damn trick. he dressed like someone who wouldn't steal and confidently stole in front of me. i can't believe i was gotten.
on a side note, i kind of want those purple chucks. girl's shoes or not.
i am, admittedly, a voyeur of sorts. but, in fairness, i'm also quite an exhibitionist. i may gain great pleasure from watching a stranger do boring things, but i am completely fine with you doing the same to me.
and there is something that i love about thieves. i can't put it into words exactly, but to watch a thief is like getting to rate someone's cleverness. look, you can buy a nikon d40 ($675) and d90 ($975), sell the d90 on ebay and return the d40 in the d90's box for full price within thirty days-- you'll make almost $300 in profit because the d40 and 90 have the same camera body and no one ever notices the tiny pill-sized piece of silver that says the model number. anyone can do it, but i would catch you. it's a battle of wits. if you get by me, you win: you out-clevered me.
i'm a sucker for that sort of game.
i missed a girl break down crying after being caught trying to steal these chucks.at first i was an odd form of shy-- i had no trouble talking with co-workers, but there was a fear preventing me from doing much more than smiling at the shoe-browsing strangers. it's likely because i know nothing of shoes and felt a bit out of my conversational element in a shoe store dressed as a shoe-lover. this must've been how bruce wayne felt when he slow-danced with selina kyle. batman and catwoman: so, what do we do now?
something about the experience reminded me a bit of a library. it's all very gentle and the customers are not very talkative because they're looking for something that says something about who they are. there is a difference between the way someone shops for a camera and the way the same person shops for shoes. there are differences in everything. even when i was a tour guide and was dating a server who worked on the wharf, we both had separate ideas of which tourists tipped well and which did not. but, people are different with their food and their entertainment. while some countries refused to tip her, those same countries would tip me amazingly-- and vice versa.
based off just one five hour shift at the shoe store, it seems the audience of shoe-buyers are delicate, but friendly. if i smile at them, they will smile at me-- men and women alike seem to thoroughly enjoy the smile, and so much more than any other job i've previously had. it's like they're not expecting it while buying shoes. they expect it from their tour guide and so they don't always appreciate it when it comes because it may not be genuine. but it's much harder to have a conversation with a shoe-buyer than it is a tourist. you sort of have to sit back and let them decide to talk to you.
the first conversation i had was short and direct. a middle-aged man in a double-breasted business suit approached me with a great stride. he was confident and began making eye-contact with me well before his voice would've been able to reach me and continued to until his stride brought him to me.
i pointed him the right direction and felt good knowing i was able to talk to my first customer without being question on any shoe-related knowledge. also, i was happy i knew where the wallets were.
shortly after, i returned to my wandering of the floor-- tying undone laces, repositioning backwards shoes, tracing down the homes of discarded loafers, and generally tidying up. people are much more ruthless with sneakers-- tossing them everywhere and leaving boxes destroyed-- but, the people looking for loafers are just creatively stupid. they manage to take one dress shoe and put it in the wrong box four aisles away as if that's just how it's done.
but, i was cleaning up a rack of scarves and socks when i realized what all had happened.
there were three small boxes with nothing inside, hanging out at the base of the men's wallet stand. that fucking business man.
we all have our preconceptions of thieves and what they might look like. and he knew. he waltzed over well-dressed in his navy-blue pin-stripped suit and declared, "i am interested in stealing three wallets but cannot locate them-- would you mind aiding me in my quest?" and he got me. i showed him the wallets and sat back smiling at the fact i had talked to my first shoe-stranger.
why would he steal? he has a nice suit and he talked to me. i'll just let him do whatever he wants over by the wallets and i won't even check on him because he's the type of guy who would come to me if he needed help.
it's funny because i've always said that indiana jones is realistic in the sense that you really only have to dress like a nazi for other nazis to believe you're one of them. there's that classic scene in so many movies where the hero's hand grabs the guard from off-screen, there's a punch sound effect, and then emerges the hero in the guard's uniform. and everyone says it's hokey and unrealistic. but it's real. i used to dress as ups delivery men, or janitors, and people believed it based on nothing other than the uniform. once, i was even dressed as a magician and performed failed magic tricks for hours, but people stayed to watch because they thought maybe it was just a part of my magical act.
and despite all of that, this blue-suited man got me with my own god damn trick. he dressed like someone who wouldn't steal and confidently stole in front of me. i can't believe i was gotten.
on a side note, i kind of want those purple chucks. girl's shoes or not.
Friday, October 22, 2010
The Earth Celebrates Its 6006th Birthday!
On this day, 6006 years ago, God created the Earth. Well, not really, but according to James Ussher and other young earth creationists today is a cause for celebration.
...I just like palindrome numbers.
How will you spend the Earth's birthday?
Blogs I'm Liking Lately
Rose Transpose: A blossoming blog that I particularly enjoy for the abundance of anime reviews.
A Brain Scientist's Take On Writing: If you like neuroscience and writing, then this is the place for you.
Between Fact and Fiction: Natalie is a whole lot of fun, and a superb aspiring author resource. Enough said.
Spunk on a Stick: The subject matter is all over the place, but always useful and worth checking out.
Middle Grade Ninja: Have you ever seen so many agent and author interviews? I love this place.
A Brain Scientist's Take On Writing: If you like neuroscience and writing, then this is the place for you.
Between Fact and Fiction: Natalie is a whole lot of fun, and a superb aspiring author resource. Enough said.
Spunk on a Stick: The subject matter is all over the place, but always useful and worth checking out.
Middle Grade Ninja: Have you ever seen so many agent and author interviews? I love this place.
"Mr. Situation" Gets a Book Deal
Snooki is not the only Jersey Shore cast member turned author. Coming this November, "Mr. Situation" brings you A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore.
My congrats to Mr. Situation and anyone else from Jersey Shore that lands a book deal. I think it's commendable to write a book, despite the obvious handicap of being an illiterate douchebag.
Shoeventures
no one ever questions my owning six pairs of 3-d glasses, or the collection photos of complete strangers we've found and since posted on our fridge. there is nothing unusual about that, and there is nothing unusual about using a shattered mirror as my main form of reflection.
it's the shoes.
everyone is quick to point out how many shoes i have. and i do, technically, have eleven pairs of shoes-- or twelve if you count large furry bear slippers-- but i don't know if it counts when all but four pairs are chucks and the rest are either dress shoes or moccasins.
i am by no means a shoe-lover. in fact, i think i appreciate socks and belts quite a bit more than shoes.
and so thursday was my first day of work at the shoe store (despite my nonchalant interviews, i did get the job) and we all had to explain why we wanted the job. everyone said they love shoes-- what a perfect reason to work at a shoe store!
i don't love shoes. i wear shoes. i enjoy the way they make glass not stab my feet. but i don't love shoes. and so i told the group that i took the job because i don't know anything about shoes, but i do love new knowledge.
to be able to read people based on their shoes would be much more fun than being able to read them based on their camera or taste in alcohol.
but then came the talk about converse. canvas shoes are not shoes, really. they're at least not shoes that a shoe-lover would wear to work. my cleanest pair of converse were deemed to dirty for the work-place. if converse are worn at all, they must be pristine-- i'd need to buy a magic eraser.
it's a bit backwards, to me, because i absolutely hate what converse look like when they're new. if you want to talk about looking fashionable, converse are meant to be a little torn and weathered in the same way bbq ribs are meant to be messy. in fact, when i buy a new pair of chucks, i ask friends to stomp on them so they won't look so embarrassingly new. also because everyone could use a little aggressive outlet here and there.
but if i want to wear my converse i'll have to clean them up. because when they're dirty, they're not considered shoes.
so, you see? i have it in good word that my shoe collection consists of only three real shoes-- the loafers.
unfortunately, it means my shoe collection is about to grow in a direction i never expected. in order to go to work, i'll need to buy myself some real shoes. but, at least i work at a place where i can buy said shoes.
but i suppose none of that matters. i think if anyone is remotely curious about my whereabouts in the great game that is the world of employment, the type of new shoes i plan to buy may not be the most important piece of information i can offer.
here's the steak (or tempeh) and potatoes:
1. i am still a salaried illustrator.
2. i'll be working 12 hours a week as a shoe-lover.
3. 15 pairs of shoes are stolen every day from the store. $181,000 a year.
4. i get a 30% discount which they watch very closely because 60% of that stolen $181,000 was done internally. in other words, don't ask me to hook you up unless you are a male with the same size feet as me or my little sister.
5. i am not allowed to be talking about any of this.
6. i'm going to anyway.
in the world of shoes, there are rules and nicknames like mis-mates, sister-shoes, cousin-shoes and probably a lot more that i simply haven't learned yet. when the economy is shot, people buy new shoes rather than new clothes because it makes their old clothes look new again and february is the least popular shoe-buying month because it's not close enough to spring, but too far from winter. enough people buy new shoes for easter that april is one of the second highest months of sale. october is the first. all women love shoes because weight has nothing to do with whether or not you can buy them-- everyone looks good in shoes.
if you show me your camera, i can tell you a surprising amount about your personality. and soon, your feet protectors will be just like that.
this is only what i learned thursday and when i'm done with this job i will know every single thing there is to know about shoes, shoe-buying, shoe-stealing, and the slave-labor behind shoe-making.
so git ready.
it's the shoes.
everyone is quick to point out how many shoes i have. and i do, technically, have eleven pairs of shoes-- or twelve if you count large furry bear slippers-- but i don't know if it counts when all but four pairs are chucks and the rest are either dress shoes or moccasins.
i am by no means a shoe-lover. in fact, i think i appreciate socks and belts quite a bit more than shoes.
and so thursday was my first day of work at the shoe store (despite my nonchalant interviews, i did get the job) and we all had to explain why we wanted the job. everyone said they love shoes-- what a perfect reason to work at a shoe store!
i don't love shoes. i wear shoes. i enjoy the way they make glass not stab my feet. but i don't love shoes. and so i told the group that i took the job because i don't know anything about shoes, but i do love new knowledge.
to be able to read people based on their shoes would be much more fun than being able to read them based on their camera or taste in alcohol.
but then came the talk about converse. canvas shoes are not shoes, really. they're at least not shoes that a shoe-lover would wear to work. my cleanest pair of converse were deemed to dirty for the work-place. if converse are worn at all, they must be pristine-- i'd need to buy a magic eraser.
it's a bit backwards, to me, because i absolutely hate what converse look like when they're new. if you want to talk about looking fashionable, converse are meant to be a little torn and weathered in the same way bbq ribs are meant to be messy. in fact, when i buy a new pair of chucks, i ask friends to stomp on them so they won't look so embarrassingly new. also because everyone could use a little aggressive outlet here and there.
but if i want to wear my converse i'll have to clean them up. because when they're dirty, they're not considered shoes.
so, you see? i have it in good word that my shoe collection consists of only three real shoes-- the loafers.
unfortunately, it means my shoe collection is about to grow in a direction i never expected. in order to go to work, i'll need to buy myself some real shoes. but, at least i work at a place where i can buy said shoes.
but i suppose none of that matters. i think if anyone is remotely curious about my whereabouts in the great game that is the world of employment, the type of new shoes i plan to buy may not be the most important piece of information i can offer.
here's the steak (or tempeh) and potatoes:
2. i'll be working 12 hours a week as a shoe-lover.
3. 15 pairs of shoes are stolen every day from the store. $181,000 a year.
4. i get a 30% discount which they watch very closely because 60% of that stolen $181,000 was done internally. in other words, don't ask me to hook you up unless you are a male with the same size feet as me or my little sister.
6. i'm going to anyway.
in the world of shoes, there are rules and nicknames like mis-mates, sister-shoes, cousin-shoes and probably a lot more that i simply haven't learned yet. when the economy is shot, people buy new shoes rather than new clothes because it makes their old clothes look new again and february is the least popular shoe-buying month because it's not close enough to spring, but too far from winter. enough people buy new shoes for easter that april is one of the second highest months of sale. october is the first. all women love shoes because weight has nothing to do with whether or not you can buy them-- everyone looks good in shoes.
if you show me your camera, i can tell you a surprising amount about your personality. and soon, your feet protectors will be just like that.
this is only what i learned thursday and when i'm done with this job i will know every single thing there is to know about shoes, shoe-buying, shoe-stealing, and the slave-labor behind shoe-making.
so git ready.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Twitter and the Gubenatorial
if you live in california, you've likely been hearing a lot about meg whitman and jerry brown-- one of which will be our next governor. jerry brown's team kind of creeps me out because they hang his fliers on our front door, but also inside the apartment. i think they're buzzing people and pretending to be comcast so they can get inside and hang more fliers in the lobby and the hallways.
but here's the latest in meg whitman news: her press secretary was trying to raise a bit of hype via twitter with the following message.
but here's the latest in meg whitman news: her press secretary was trying to raise a bit of hype via twitter with the following message.
but it seems the ms. pompei was multi-tasking and wound up pasting the wrong bit.ly link. she meant to tweet a news story that stated, "Meg Whitman today announced the endorsement of the Deputy Sheriffs' Association of San Diego County. The association represents more than 3,000 member of the San Diego County Sheriff's Department."
but, accidentally managed to paste a bit.ly link that lead to the following video instead.
but, accidentally managed to paste a bit.ly link that lead to the following video instead.
good times, internet. good times.
A Bit About Beer
it has been declared by ratebeer.com, that olde english 800 is the worst beer in the world. though, olde english 800 shows up twice on their list of the fifty worst beers, and the worst is simply half as alcoholic as the better version. in other words, if it's going to taste like shit it better at least get you hammered.
i've got nothing against o.e., and as a twenty-five year-old, it shouldn't be too surprising that i've had most of the fifty beers and made due with some of them a lot longer than i should have. milwaukee's best and i have had some times.
but i was surprised to see that neither steel reserve or pabst made the list of the fifty worst. i have absolutely no problem with either beer-- i often swear by the two-- but if ever i don't want to share my beer i know it's a safe bet to buy steel because no one will go near it-- it's the choice brew of homeless men at its 8.1% and $3 forties.
and, personally, i consider pabst the best of the cheap beers, but i know a good deal of people-- mostly east-coasters-- who stand strongly against the drink. but, judging by ratebeer.com's chart of bad beers, pbr may only be getting such a horrible rap because hipsters have declared it their choice drink. its taste, at least, is not ranked as bad as canada's molson, or good ol' king cobra.
what's interesting, though, is that major brewing companies like budweiser (anheuser-busch inbev) have five or more beers on the list of the worst. in fact, it seems they make more bad beers than good.
i'm not a picky man when it comes to beer-- especially cheap beer-- but i've always hated budweiser.
recently, i was told that budweiser straight up does not care. they make bullshit drinks completely aware they won't sell to anyone other than stupid folk and foreigners. they're not necessarily trying to sell budweiser select 55, and bud light with lime-- they're only trying to take up space at the liquor store. if budweiser has ten different types of beer-- and seven of them suck-- it doesn't matter because there is no more room on the shelf for competing companies. so you know, the red tail gets crammed in the corner to accommodate bud light, bud (regular) budweiser select, budweiser select 55, bud ice, bud ice light, bud dry, bud silver, bud extra, budweiser/bud light chelada, budweiser american ale, budweiser (non-alcoholic), bud light lime, bud light golden wheat, budweiser 66, and of course budweiser brew masters' private reserve.
plus, shittier beers are less expensive to make and they can turn a much greater profit so long as they're bought occasionally.
the tactic makes sense, and anheuser is still one of the highest selling brewing companies in america.
i did read that anheuser-busch sent a case of budweiser to the white house via clydesdale horses on the day prohibition was repealed-- and that's probably why budweiser is so closely associated with america despite it's watery liquid bread taste.
anyway, in terms of countless versions of one beer created to dominate the ad-space, miller and corona are just the same as anheuser-- miller has something like 23 brands, and corona (a part of grupo modela) has a solid 20-something, too-- hence they are so well-known, but have so many horrible beers.
overall, though, i want to thank wisconsin for generally sucking at making tasty beer, but trying so frequently that colleges around the world may remain drunk.
the end.
i hope this was a wholly informing article that has in some way made your lives more complete and enjoyable.
i've got nothing against o.e., and as a twenty-five year-old, it shouldn't be too surprising that i've had most of the fifty beers and made due with some of them a lot longer than i should have. milwaukee's best and i have had some times.but i was surprised to see that neither steel reserve or pabst made the list of the fifty worst. i have absolutely no problem with either beer-- i often swear by the two-- but if ever i don't want to share my beer i know it's a safe bet to buy steel because no one will go near it-- it's the choice brew of homeless men at its 8.1% and $3 forties.
and, personally, i consider pabst the best of the cheap beers, but i know a good deal of people-- mostly east-coasters-- who stand strongly against the drink. but, judging by ratebeer.com's chart of bad beers, pbr may only be getting such a horrible rap because hipsters have declared it their choice drink. its taste, at least, is not ranked as bad as canada's molson, or good ol' king cobra.
what's interesting, though, is that major brewing companies like budweiser (anheuser-busch inbev) have five or more beers on the list of the worst. in fact, it seems they make more bad beers than good.
i'm not a picky man when it comes to beer-- especially cheap beer-- but i've always hated budweiser.
recently, i was told that budweiser straight up does not care. they make bullshit drinks completely aware they won't sell to anyone other than stupid folk and foreigners. they're not necessarily trying to sell budweiser select 55, and bud light with lime-- they're only trying to take up space at the liquor store. if budweiser has ten different types of beer-- and seven of them suck-- it doesn't matter because there is no more room on the shelf for competing companies. so you know, the red tail gets crammed in the corner to accommodate bud light, bud (regular) budweiser select, budweiser select 55, bud ice, bud ice light, bud dry, bud silver, bud extra, budweiser/bud light chelada, budweiser american ale, budweiser (non-alcoholic), bud light lime, bud light golden wheat, budweiser 66, and of course budweiser brew masters' private reserve.
plus, shittier beers are less expensive to make and they can turn a much greater profit so long as they're bought occasionally.
the tactic makes sense, and anheuser is still one of the highest selling brewing companies in america.
i did read that anheuser-busch sent a case of budweiser to the white house via clydesdale horses on the day prohibition was repealed-- and that's probably why budweiser is so closely associated with america despite it's watery liquid bread taste.
anyway, in terms of countless versions of one beer created to dominate the ad-space, miller and corona are just the same as anheuser-- miller has something like 23 brands, and corona (a part of grupo modela) has a solid 20-something, too-- hence they are so well-known, but have so many horrible beers.
overall, though, i want to thank wisconsin for generally sucking at making tasty beer, but trying so frequently that colleges around the world may remain drunk.
the end.
i hope this was a wholly informing article that has in some way made your lives more complete and enjoyable.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Hip and Now
my dad was often times misconceived as someone cool. i think this was mostly on account of his teaching history classes while reclining in a lawn chair and wearing sunglasses. the sunglasses may have been an actual staple of cool, and they had a great dramatic effect-- when he'd take them down to stare at you with his sunken grey eyeballs, you knew he was serious. but the lawn chair was less cool than it seemed. it was just his bad back-- the majority of the time i knew him, he was in that lawn chair.
he would play catch with us while sitting in the lawn chair sometimes. and he would yell things like "use you arms!" while we ran miles and he sat in his lawn chair. i always hated that.
point is, the chair was more of a necessity than the choice of a cool person. he may very well have been cool, but the chair had little to do with it.
and i'm sitting here, typing away, quietly remembering the day they took molds of my feet to have me fitted for orthodics. from the start, i knew i'd adopted the same sloppy spinal genes that my dad had, and one day i'd be in a lawn chair being mistaken for a cool person.
the idea was the orthodics would help realign my hip, which would then help to keep my spine straight-- but it wouldn't solve anything, the orthodics were meant to only slow down the speed in which i became a full gimp. and i suppose that's better than nothing.
they started me with plastic orthodics, but this was before i smoked cigarettes and i spent a lot of time running track and field, playing volleyball, and generally jumping off roofs. i went through about four of five pairs of plastic orthodics before they switched me to the unbreakable graphite-carbon-fibre-superhero version.
i broke those within the year, too.
i still wear that pair-- i just duct tape them back together every week or so.
but on certain days i'm reminded that i will definitely be a handicapped old man no matter what i'd rather. sometimes i can hardly get out of bed without shooting pains starting at my hip and ending in a glorious unwanted spasm in my kneecap. it's embarrassing, but good comedy i suppose. i'll try to stand and literally fall down.
usually i can string up my converse and my spine/hip/knees will automatically feel better. but on especially horrible days that won't solve the problem and i'll just be that guy who can't walk right and takes twenty minutes on one flight of stairs.
and it's not even the kind of pain that i can just man up and deal with. it's the sort of pain that's like electricity and if i choose to ignore it, all that will happen is my leg will randomly fail to operate and i'll fall on the ground wincing. it even makes wiping my butt painful because of the way i have to twist my hip to get the toilet paper back there.
on those days i feel like i'll wind up like will ferrell in that one snl sketch that he'd always end with "IS IT MY BACK? YES IT'S MY BACK, GET OFF ME YOU STUPID BITCH!"
those particularly pathetic days remind me what a creaky old man i will be.
today is one of those days.
he would play catch with us while sitting in the lawn chair sometimes. and he would yell things like "use you arms!" while we ran miles and he sat in his lawn chair. i always hated that.
point is, the chair was more of a necessity than the choice of a cool person. he may very well have been cool, but the chair had little to do with it.
and i'm sitting here, typing away, quietly remembering the day they took molds of my feet to have me fitted for orthodics. from the start, i knew i'd adopted the same sloppy spinal genes that my dad had, and one day i'd be in a lawn chair being mistaken for a cool person.
the idea was the orthodics would help realign my hip, which would then help to keep my spine straight-- but it wouldn't solve anything, the orthodics were meant to only slow down the speed in which i became a full gimp. and i suppose that's better than nothing.
they started me with plastic orthodics, but this was before i smoked cigarettes and i spent a lot of time running track and field, playing volleyball, and generally jumping off roofs. i went through about four of five pairs of plastic orthodics before they switched me to the unbreakable graphite-carbon-fibre-superhero version.i broke those within the year, too.
i still wear that pair-- i just duct tape them back together every week or so.
but on certain days i'm reminded that i will definitely be a handicapped old man no matter what i'd rather. sometimes i can hardly get out of bed without shooting pains starting at my hip and ending in a glorious unwanted spasm in my kneecap. it's embarrassing, but good comedy i suppose. i'll try to stand and literally fall down.
usually i can string up my converse and my spine/hip/knees will automatically feel better. but on especially horrible days that won't solve the problem and i'll just be that guy who can't walk right and takes twenty minutes on one flight of stairs.
and it's not even the kind of pain that i can just man up and deal with. it's the sort of pain that's like electricity and if i choose to ignore it, all that will happen is my leg will randomly fail to operate and i'll fall on the ground wincing. it even makes wiping my butt painful because of the way i have to twist my hip to get the toilet paper back there.
on those days i feel like i'll wind up like will ferrell in that one snl sketch that he'd always end with "IS IT MY BACK? YES IT'S MY BACK, GET OFF ME YOU STUPID BITCH!"
those particularly pathetic days remind me what a creaky old man i will be.
today is one of those days.
I Want to be a Scientist When I Grow Up
how much money do you suppose the world spends on findings of unusual and pointless statistics? i don't know the answer, but i am curious. is there a budget for that sort of thing? i mean, years ago, the white house underwent a lengthy study to be sure all of their in-house ashtrays would break into only three parts if shattered. i don't remember what it cost, but it was upwards of a million dollar study.
more recently, france determined that the best way to pour champagne is actually at a 45 angle-- or, in other words, the same way you pour a beer. there is no word on how expensive the study was, but if it was more than $6 i would consider it a waste as they could've just bought me a mimosa and watched how i pour my champagne. instead, they used infrared thermography to determine which method of pouring released the most visible carbon dioxide.
no, i know. for a team which loves mimosas, you'd expect this all to just be common knowledge. but i promise this is real.
are these sorts of things like the construction industry? do they just need to spend a ridiculous amount of money each year so they've made it to their annual estimate and won't get a pay cut the following year?
if so, i want a job. i've got all sorts of tests that i'd like to see in action.
like what percentage of the earth's weight is poop?
i mean, we got this lady here, who spends her day lifting a cat six feet up and dropping her one hundred times in a row to see if she lands on her feet. and then she does five feet one hundred times-- all the way to one foot. and she's a phd in italy. she wrote a fucking book about it.
in my mind, dropping a cat from bookshelves is not considered science, news, or interesting-- in fact, the going theory that "cats always land on their feet" was not meant to be taken literally. as the italian phd has proved, the cat will land on its feet from all heights except a foot above the ground. the reason no one mentions this is because the cat would not be injured from such a short fall-- hence no one cares; hence cats always land on their feet.
if this is what we pay our brilliant doctors to study, i want in. my ideas should win a fucking ig nobel prize.
you're a little curious what percentage of the planet is poop, too.
more recently, france determined that the best way to pour champagne is actually at a 45 angle-- or, in other words, the same way you pour a beer. there is no word on how expensive the study was, but if it was more than $6 i would consider it a waste as they could've just bought me a mimosa and watched how i pour my champagne. instead, they used infrared thermography to determine which method of pouring released the most visible carbon dioxide.
no, i know. for a team which loves mimosas, you'd expect this all to just be common knowledge. but i promise this is real.are these sorts of things like the construction industry? do they just need to spend a ridiculous amount of money each year so they've made it to their annual estimate and won't get a pay cut the following year?
if so, i want a job. i've got all sorts of tests that i'd like to see in action.
like what percentage of the earth's weight is poop?
i mean, we got this lady here, who spends her day lifting a cat six feet up and dropping her one hundred times in a row to see if she lands on her feet. and then she does five feet one hundred times-- all the way to one foot. and she's a phd in italy. she wrote a fucking book about it.
in my mind, dropping a cat from bookshelves is not considered science, news, or interesting-- in fact, the going theory that "cats always land on their feet" was not meant to be taken literally. as the italian phd has proved, the cat will land on its feet from all heights except a foot above the ground. the reason no one mentions this is because the cat would not be injured from such a short fall-- hence no one cares; hence cats always land on their feet.
if this is what we pay our brilliant doctors to study, i want in. my ideas should win a fucking ig nobel prize.
you're a little curious what percentage of the planet is poop, too.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Job #2
yesterday, i went into the shoe store to sign papers and buy some new moccasins. the moccasin part was quite a bit easier than the paperwork-- i never know how to fill out all of that tax-related nonsense. i'm pretty sure i'm doing it wrong every time and i'm pretty sure everyone feels that way.
while i was working on it, i heard two somewhat interesting statements regarding me. the first was someone happy to see the manager finally hired a "token straight guy," because every shoe store needs at least one heterosexual male to keep it diverse. huh.
the other, though, was from a hispanic girl who whispered to another coworker, "he's cute but i don't date white guys."
i hadn't really realized that the trip to the store would be so judgmental-- i figured all of that would happen during orientation and not the tax-form day. what's worse is i was recently told "you're cute but i don't like asian guys." it's funny how the bi-racial thing can kick you in the ass sometimes. but what really bothers me is that i wasn't attracted to either girl.
"good, because i don't date racist ugly girls."
it was insulting because they were denying me something before i had the chance to say i wasn't interested.
anyway, i'll be starting work soon. technically, i've already started. but i'll know my hours at that time. i'm excited for the crazy shoe-loving customers i'll meet. and i'm excited to learn how to judge people based on their feet-gear.
also, i wanted to include a picture in this post, but blogger has decided image uploads will be disabled for two hours due to maintenance. so, here is a picture that was already previously uploaded and unfortunately completely unrelated to this post.
while i was working on it, i heard two somewhat interesting statements regarding me. the first was someone happy to see the manager finally hired a "token straight guy," because every shoe store needs at least one heterosexual male to keep it diverse. huh.
the other, though, was from a hispanic girl who whispered to another coworker, "he's cute but i don't date white guys."
i hadn't really realized that the trip to the store would be so judgmental-- i figured all of that would happen during orientation and not the tax-form day. what's worse is i was recently told "you're cute but i don't like asian guys." it's funny how the bi-racial thing can kick you in the ass sometimes. but what really bothers me is that i wasn't attracted to either girl.
"good, because i don't date racist ugly girls."
it was insulting because they were denying me something before i had the chance to say i wasn't interested.
anyway, i'll be starting work soon. technically, i've already started. but i'll know my hours at that time. i'm excited for the crazy shoe-loving customers i'll meet. and i'm excited to learn how to judge people based on their feet-gear.
also, i wanted to include a picture in this post, but blogger has decided image uploads will be disabled for two hours due to maintenance. so, here is a picture that was already previously uploaded and unfortunately completely unrelated to this post.
A Musical Tuesday
does it get more amazing than this?
it does. and it's about to. right now.
yeah, that just happened. brought to you by the living punk legend, travis caustic me.
hey allison, i thank you for your words
because poopy, poop and poop poop and sometimes also turds
i want to say i'm sorry that i don't really sing
but an alcoholic poop-related blog-- yeah, that's more of my thing.
something in your wondrous song really made me think
i should go down the hall and make another whiskey drink
you sing about odd jobs, now im at a shoe store
I don't wanna let you down-- no it's not a poo store.
when you told me you'd write a song for me on your uke
i was sure you were lying and it was just a fluke
but here it is and here is me and now i feel like an ass
the magic of your song almost makes me forget you broke my whiskey glass.
oh yeah, and you totally broke mine, too.
hey allison, i thank you for your words
because poopy, poop and poop poop and sometimes also turds
i want to say i'm sorry that i don't really sing
but an alcoholic poop-related blog-- yeah, that's more of my thing.
to send my thanks to you, here's a fact for you
regarding important uses of kangaroo poo
in australia, sometimes the aborigines use kangaroo poo, and they mix it with tobacco. and chew it. it gives them more energy. it's an amazing combination of things.
hey allison, i thank you for your words
because poopy, poop and poop poop and sometimes also turds
i want to say i'm sorry that i don't really sing
but an alcoholic poop-related blog-- yeah, that's more of my thing.
hey allison, i thank you for your words
because poopy, poop and poop poop and sometimes also turds
i want to say i'm sorry that i don't really sing
but an alcoholic poop-related blog-- yeah, that's more of my thing.
something in your wondrous song really made me think
i should go down the hall and make another whiskey drink
you sing about odd jobs, now im at a shoe store
I don't wanna let you down-- no it's not a poo store.
when you told me you'd write a song for me on your uke
i was sure you were lying and it was just a fluke
but here it is and here is me and now i feel like an ass
the magic of your song almost makes me forget you broke my whiskey glass.
oh yeah, and you totally broke mine, too.
hey allison, i thank you for your words
because poopy, poop and poop poop and sometimes also turds
i want to say i'm sorry that i don't really sing
but an alcoholic poop-related blog-- yeah, that's more of my thing.
to send my thanks to you, here's a fact for you
regarding important uses of kangaroo poo
in australia, sometimes the aborigines use kangaroo poo, and they mix it with tobacco. and chew it. it gives them more energy. it's an amazing combination of things.
hey allison, i thank you for your words
because poopy, poop and poop poop and sometimes also turds
i want to say i'm sorry that i don't really sing
but an alcoholic poop-related blog-- yeah, that's more of my thing.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Mythbust This
there is [non-embeddable] better version of this video, but what you're watching is a .40 caliber bullet being fired into ice and stopping before proceeding to spin like leonardo dicaprio's inception top.
and, naturally, there have been debates about things like science and physics, as well as photoshop and after effects-- but take a look. (and i recommend watching the other video as well.)
it was simple, too: i'm 130lbs when my hair is wet, and i am likely one of the world's top fifty worst arm-wrestlers alive today. i get the majority of my upper body exercise by lifting forties and high-fiving strangers.
but, i heard a myth that i could kick adam savage's ass silly at arm-wrestling.
evidently, mr. savage is not as cool as his last name advertises. he had no interest in busting the myth. in fact, he spent the majority of our phone conversation trying to find out how i even obtained his impossible-to-find and highly coveted number.
get over it, adam savage, the paparazzi doesn't even care.
where did i get your number? from you. a few weeks before my arm-wrestling proposal, you made a reservation at a restaurant and-- at the time-- i was the reservationist. now, despite what you and the rest of the diners seemed to think, i was not-- and am not-- a robot created to get you tables at restaurants. back then, i was a college student in a very unhappy relationship, with little time for anything outside of school, work, and calling celebrities that dined at the restaurant.
i quickly confirmed that you were the adam savage who makes bad jokes on mythbusters and saved your number into my phone. i still have it, btw.
i don't see the bullet-spinning video being a whole lot more than an open shot at endless magneto and neo references-- the real myth i want busted is that president wishnack could annihilate adam savage at an arm-wrestling match.
bring it.
and, naturally, there have been debates about things like science and physics, as well as photoshop and after effects-- but take a look. (and i recommend watching the other video as well.)
Apparently, Mythbusters is going to film a segment to test the incredible case of the spinning bullet on ice. Many people are discussing if this is possible or not. After watching it repeatedly and reading the arguments, I believe it.i don't know how i feel about mythbusters being the go-to source for all that is fact. what i do know is that i once challenged adam savage to an arm-wrestling match and he declined.
Some people say that this is impossible. How can a .40 caliber bullet stop on the ice like that, losing all its forward momentum and still keep spinning? I don't know the what the physics are, but the video is pretty clear and I don't see any way of faking that, which is probably why Mythbusters is going to put it to the test.
[read more]
it was simple, too: i'm 130lbs when my hair is wet, and i am likely one of the world's top fifty worst arm-wrestlers alive today. i get the majority of my upper body exercise by lifting forties and high-fiving strangers.
but, i heard a myth that i could kick adam savage's ass silly at arm-wrestling.
evidently, mr. savage is not as cool as his last name advertises. he had no interest in busting the myth. in fact, he spent the majority of our phone conversation trying to find out how i even obtained his impossible-to-find and highly coveted number.
get over it, adam savage, the paparazzi doesn't even care.
where did i get your number? from you. a few weeks before my arm-wrestling proposal, you made a reservation at a restaurant and-- at the time-- i was the reservationist. now, despite what you and the rest of the diners seemed to think, i was not-- and am not-- a robot created to get you tables at restaurants. back then, i was a college student in a very unhappy relationship, with little time for anything outside of school, work, and calling celebrities that dined at the restaurant.
i quickly confirmed that you were the adam savage who makes bad jokes on mythbusters and saved your number into my phone. i still have it, btw.
i don't see the bullet-spinning video being a whole lot more than an open shot at endless magneto and neo references-- the real myth i want busted is that president wishnack could annihilate adam savage at an arm-wrestling match.
bring it.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Review: The Romans by Karl Christ
Product Summary
Roman civilization is one of the bases of the modern world. The extraordinary achievements of Rome—political, military, cultural—and its dramatic, thousand-year history, during which it grew to dominate the whole world of classical antiquity before being overwhelmed in its turn, have been continuously studied and variously interpreted ever since. Rome has been commended for its administration, praised for its system of justice, admired for its arts and technology, extolled for its "virtues," such as love of freedom, independence, discipline, courage, and austerity. It has also been condemned for its aggression, its exploitation of slaves, its excesses, and the decadence that led to its decline. But such was Rome's impact, and so remarkable was the empire it built, that its influence has never ceased to be felt. Whether as a model of political power, of moral behavior, or of social control, Rome with its splendors and triumphs, its failings and disasters, is an inexhaustible quarry for the lessons that its history offers and the legacies that it has bequeathed.
Karl Christ conveys the essence of this vital Roman tradition with a coherence and compact precision that few scholars, if any, have been able to achieve. Following the main chronological developments of Roman history, he combines the necessary minimum of political and military narrative with lucid social and economic analysis, separate chapters of Roman ways of life and law, and wide-ranging coverage of literature, art, science, technology, and religion.
With maps and photographs as well as a specially prepared bibliography for further reading, The Romans is the most up-to-date, authoritative and comprehensive single-volume introduction to the history and civilization of Ancient Rome.
First Impressions
I must be forthright in stating that I did not choose to read this book, rather, it was part of the reading material for my Rome & Early Christianity course. Thankfully it was intriguing!
For all who are uninitiated in Rome's extensive history (such as myself), The Romans serves as an excellent introductory text.
Karl Christ excels at providing a solid overview of Rome. From its humble beginning as a tiny Etruscan offshoot of farmers, shepherds and craftsmen to the eventual military might that conquered much of the ancient world, Christ takes the reader along every step of the way.
My only complaint with the text is that Karl fails to provide the reader with a glossary. Unless you are already familiar with the politics, magistrates and obscure titles that existed in ancient Rome ("Quaestor? What the hell is a quaestor!?"), you may find your lexicon to be severely lacking; thankfully, there is nothing that a Google search or two cannot remedy. Once the language hurdle is overcome, the reading experience becomes considerably more pleasant.
Perhaps most useful is Christ's ability to explain how a small agrarian community organized itself into a monarchy, supplanted itself with a republic, and then was overcome, yet again, by autocratic rule.
Of course, the author also provides a great detail of information pertaining to the three main periods of Roman history (Kingdom, Republic, Empire), all the while illuminating every aspect of a Roman citizen: their religions, political views, social mores, educational system and military servitude.
While certainly not a light read (historical non-fiction rarely is), The Romans serves as a more than sufficient introduction to the world of Roman history.
Happy Anniversary, California
but please stop referring to it as "earthquake weather"-- it's actually just the switch to fall. in fact, we have roughly 10,000 earthquakes every year and the weather changes, so there can't be a such thing as "earthquake weather" unless you mean all weather.
i will say that we've only had three mention-worthy earthquakes and they all happened over a span of one hundred years. april 18, 1906; october 17, 1989; and there was one in los angeles in the 1930's. short of that, we've had a million "is my upstairs neighbor moving furniture again?" styled quakes that half of us don't notice and the other half tweets about.
in 2008, i was on the phone with my girlfriend of the time while taking a smoke break outside the liquor store. it was a long distance relationship and during the horrible years of full-time school and three jobs-- the liquor store being one on the grounds that it paid me in not just dollars but free liquor, cigarettes, beef jerky, and endless conversation with stranglings.
anyway, she said her car was shaking and i asked if it was off. she said it was parked and shouldn't be shaking-- we might have debated about what that meant for a while, but i've never owned a car and probably had nothing to offer, so i went back to work and told her i'd call her afterward.
of course, right as soon as i stepped inside, my boss asked if i felt the earthquake.
i thought that was just the muni passing by.
"hey, what's up?" she asked.
and then i could hear her dad shouting in his very borat voice, telling her that there was an earthquake a few seconds ago and asking if she'd felt it.
dammit. he stole my news.
"nothing," i said, "just wanted to let you know there was an earthquake. wtv."
the point is, they're overrated and under-exciting. i think everyone secretly wants to experience one-- they get that gleam in their eyes when they ask if you've ever felt one-- but they happen every week and we hardly notice. so calm down, it's not earthquake weather-- it's just going to rain.
this post is going to jinx us hardcore.Saturday, October 16, 2010
Non-Canonical Saturday Wisdom
"If those who lead you say to you, 'See, the Kingdom is in the sky,' then the birds of the sky will precede you. If they say to you, 'It is in the sea,' then the fish will precede you. Rather, the Kingdom is inside of you, and it is outside of you. When you come to know yourselves, then you will become known, and you will realize that it is you who are the sons of the living Father. But if you will not know yourselves, you dwell in poverty and it is you who are that poverty."
- The Gospel of Thomas
OK, back to my essay writing...
Oops
oops from Chris Beckman.
this won "best experimental" at the 2010 vimeo awards, and is roughly ten minutes of people dropping their cameras. it's voyeuristic, well-cut, and simple.
check it out.
check it out.
It Gets Better
Anne Hathaway - It Gets Better
Anne Hathaway
's Beautiful message...
I appreciate it very much. Visibility and acceptance is so important.
ANNE HATHAWAY is AMAZING!
This is Trevor Project.. Trevor Project is doing to help in this fight. The work's Trevor Project doing is amazing and priceless...it's a constant, solid foundation for so many to stand on when they need it.
Below TheJackKetsoyan video shown 'It Gets Better'
www.thetrevorproject.org says.. If you're being bullied in school, you're not alone. There is someone here for you - someone who cares and understands. Call The Trevor Project, a confidential, toll-free, suicide hotline for gay & questioning youth. It gets better!
Anne Hathaway
's Beautiful message...I appreciate it very much. Visibility and acceptance is so important.
ANNE HATHAWAY is AMAZING!
This is Trevor Project.. Trevor Project is doing to help in this fight. The work's Trevor Project doing is amazing and priceless...it's a constant, solid foundation for so many to stand on when they need it.
Below TheJackKetsoyan video shown 'It Gets Better'
www.thetrevorproject.org says.. If you're being bullied in school, you're not alone. There is someone here for you - someone who cares and understands. Call The Trevor Project, a confidential, toll-free, suicide hotline for gay & questioning youth. It gets better!
It Gets Better
Anne Hathaway - It Gets Better
Anne Hathaway
's Beautiful message...
I appreciate it very much. Visibility and acceptance is so important.
ANNE HATHAWAY is AMAZING!
This is Trevor Project.. Trevor Project is doing to help in this fight. The work's Trevor Project doing is amazing and priceless...it's a constant, solid foundation for so many to stand on when they need it.
Below TheJackKetsoyan video shown 'It Gets Better'
www.thetrevorproject.org says.. If you're being bullied in school, you're not alone. There is someone here for you - someone who cares and understands. Call The Trevor Project, a confidential, toll-free, suicide hotline for gay & questioning youth. It gets better!
Anne Hathaway
's Beautiful message...I appreciate it very much. Visibility and acceptance is so important.
ANNE HATHAWAY is AMAZING!
This is Trevor Project.. Trevor Project is doing to help in this fight. The work's Trevor Project doing is amazing and priceless...it's a constant, solid foundation for so many to stand on when they need it.
Below TheJackKetsoyan video shown 'It Gets Better'
www.thetrevorproject.org says.. If you're being bullied in school, you're not alone. There is someone here for you - someone who cares and understands. Call The Trevor Project, a confidential, toll-free, suicide hotline for gay & questioning youth. It gets better!
Friday, October 15, 2010
A Good Attempt at Bad Poetry, or a Bad Attempt at Good Poetry?
I wrote this about a year ago. I still can't decide whether or not I like it. I know (bad?) poetry doesn't draw a crowd, so feel free to skip over it. Really, I won't mind.
LIBER DCXVI
A gasp for air, a shallow breath
Bloody thoughts concealed by speech
Strands of ebony bound ‘round my neck
The gnashing teeth may grind for weeks
Hell’s foundation (like the heart of man) lies
With infidelity the farmer sows his seed
Watered with the virtue of tears and blood
Love is reason most deceived
The Morningstar is chaste and fair
So I sucked the honey, gold and sweet
And sweeter still my anima core
Encased within this cage of meat
Now Pope-rocked and treason blessed
The herd is called as cock crows twice
The bloody chalice magistrate
Absolves none, but denies thrice
My blackest sins bring a rosy blush
An infernal pact gone most awry
The snarling faces are quick to judge
Secret envy for the one who complies!
A Restless Charon scans the coast
It has been said, “None ride for free”
Upon the poisoned banks of Acheron
None have the strength to conquer He
Whilst in Heaven the praise may never cease
On arid rocks we do happily sprawl
And here, like the sloth, change comes slow
If it ever change does come at all
So men and women of the flesh
Who taste of sin – know this is true
The King of Kings left long ago
But the Devil is still there for you
LIBER DCXVI
A gasp for air, a shallow breath
Bloody thoughts concealed by speech
Strands of ebony bound ‘round my neck
The gnashing teeth may grind for weeks
Hell’s foundation (like the heart of man) lies
With infidelity the farmer sows his seed
Watered with the virtue of tears and blood
Love is reason most deceived
The Morningstar is chaste and fair
So I sucked the honey, gold and sweet
And sweeter still my anima core
Encased within this cage of meat
Now Pope-rocked and treason blessed
The herd is called as cock crows twice
The bloody chalice magistrate
Absolves none, but denies thrice
My blackest sins bring a rosy blush
An infernal pact gone most awry
The snarling faces are quick to judge
Secret envy for the one who complies!
A Restless Charon scans the coast
It has been said, “None ride for free”
Upon the poisoned banks of Acheron
None have the strength to conquer He
Whilst in Heaven the praise may never cease
On arid rocks we do happily sprawl
And here, like the sloth, change comes slow
If it ever change does come at all
So men and women of the flesh
Who taste of sin – know this is true
The King of Kings left long ago
But the Devil is still there for you
The 10 Commandments of Fiction Writing
Most experts agree that when it comes to writing fiction, no rules are carved in stone. A writer is free to bend, twist, smash or shred any of the golden platitudes of writing that have been handed down by the well-paid, well-respected writers we all hope to become. Certain writing guidelines, however, are so self-evident few writers would dispute them. When these guidelines are broken, you don't need a burning bush to tell you your writing will suffer.
1. Take yourself seriously
This is the most crucial commandment—and the most difficult to follow. Many beginning writers feel guilty about working so hard at something for which they haven't been paid a cent. Immediate family members or friends may look on writing as a harmless little hobby, to be encouraged only when it doesn't interfere with their own lives. Because of the cavalier attitude of others, writers may fail to prioritize writing as a necessary part of their lives, regardless of whether or not money exchanges hands.
You must emphatically demonstrate to yourself and to others that writing is a part of who you are, not just an amusing pastime. The measure of being a writer is not how much money you make, but how important writing is in your life.
2. Act like a professional
To be taken seriously as a writer, you must act like a professional writer. That means whenever you deal with other professionals in the writing business, such as agents, editors and publishers, you should act the same as you would for a job interview, and present a professional appearance. This is especially important in cover letters and manuscript preparation.
First, proofread for grammar, punctuation and spelling errors. I have heard many editors admit they sometimes reject a manuscript within the first few pages solely due to the number of grammar, punctuation and spelling mistakes. After months or even years of hard work perfecting your story, novel or screenplay, it would be a shame to have it rejected just because you didn't bother to check your spelling or fix a sentence fragment. And don't rely solely on spell-checking and grammar-checking computer programs—they make errors all the time. If grammar is your weakness, then find someone, either a friend or professional, who can proof the pages for you.
Second, perfect the format. The place to be creative is in your writing style, not the manuscript format. Avoid fancy fonts. They're distracting and hard to read. Stick to standard margins. Narrow margins crowd the page and slow the story's pace; broad margins make it appear as though you don't have a substantial story. Don't design your own cover. It smacks of desperation.
Third, polish the cover letter. Just tell the editors what they need to know. That includes: (a) a brief summary of the work, one to three paragraphs, and (b) anything about yourself that might be relevant to the work (if you're submitting a police procedural novel and you're a journalist who worked the crime beat, that's relevant). Avoid overhyping yourself or the work by making extravagant claims: "This will earn millions of dollars!" or "The world has never seen a novel like this before!" Hyperbole makes agents and editors less eager to work with you.
3. Write your passion
Some beginning writers try to write for whatever trend is popular. But by the time you finish your manuscript, get an agent and send your work to a publisher, the trend will be on its way out. You're more likely to produce publishable material by writing what you're passionate about. If you love romances, then write one. If you love mysteries, then that's the genre for you. You don't have to write only that genre, but as you first start out, if you write what you know, you'll have a stronger feel for the proper conventions to include as well as the cliches and stereotypes to avoid.
Ultimately, all that matters is that you care about the material and convey that passion to the reader.
4. Love the process
If you want to become a professional fiction writer, you'd better love the writing process. That doesn't mean you don't have doubts, fears and an aversion to your computer. It means that despite those hesitations, you still sit down and write. Even after you've sold your novel, finished your book-signing tour and watched Brad Pitt star in the film version, you still have to spend most of your days at a computer. That process must thrill and delight you, since all the rest of the celebrity trappings are only a small part of what you do.
5. Read—a lot
While it's a very good idea to know your genre, the best writers don't limit their reading to that genre. Artists need to experience other artists' work, which can teach and inspire as well.
When I read a fascinating novel or watch an insightful movie, I can't wait to get back to my own writing and make it better. This also works when I read a boring novel or watch a cliched movie; then I can't wait to make sure I haven't made similar mistakes in my work.
Reading nonfiction is also helpful to fiction writers. I've been so inspired by articles on scientific discoveries, political events or historical facts that I've later made the ideas significant parts of my fiction works. A 10-line filler in the newspaper about the auction of Napoleon Bonaparte's penis inspired the opening chapter of my novel Earth Angel.
6. Stick to a schedule
The main difference between successful writers and wannabe writers is not talent—it's perseverance. They finish what they start. Create a writing schedule that works for you and stick with it. Two types of scheduling work best for most writers.
1. The Gridlock Method. Fill out a weekly grid with all your responsibilities that cannot be changed—work, school, family, etc. Find two-hour blocks on at least three days of the week that you can claim for writing. Announce to your family and friends that those are your writing hours, and you are not to be disturbed during that time except for emergencies. (Be sure to define "emergencies.")
2. The Spare-Change Method. This method is for those whose schedules are less predictable. On a calendar, write the number of pages you intend to complete per day. Regardless of how busy you are that day, commit to staying up until that number of pages is complete.
Whichever method you use, the result will be the same: You will end up with a completed manuscript.
7. Be critical of your work
Writers live with the hope that someday they will read what they've written and not want to tear it up. The bad news is that the better you become as a writer, the more critical you are of your writing. The more you know about writing, the less you can tolerate bad writing (your own or others'). The good news is this critical ability will make you better. You will learn to reject the predictable and strive for invigorating style, plotting and characterization. Stop worrying that you'll never be a good enough writer, and embrace the inner critic.
8. Develop thick skin
As a beginning writer I dreamed of the day when I would never have to face another rejection. Forty published books and 12 sold screenplays later, not a day goes by when something I've written or proposed to be written isn't rejected by someone. Usually some publisher or producer buys what I've written, but not always. I still have a few unsold novels stashed in my garage, rejected stories and poems in my filing cabinet, script treatments on my desk.
Rejection still stings. But it doesn't hurt as long as it used to because I have so many projects to pursue. I no longer mope around and curse the short-sightedness of a universe that fails to recognize my genius. I just work on the next project. And if the same manuscript keeps getting rejected for the same reason, I re-evaluate the work and maybe rewrite it.
9. Trust your editors
First, I'm going to broadly define editors as not only professional editors at publishing houses but also writing teachers and writing workshop members who read and offer editorial suggestions. Most editors aren't frustrated writers—some are accomplished writers publishing more than you. In general, they have your best interests at heart. That doesn't mean you won't have disagreements with their suggestions. You most certainly will. You may even be right sometimes. But you will miss out on some very helpful suggestions if you refuse to listen.
The goal of most editors is to help you best realize the story you want to write. Because they come at it with fresh perspectives, they may be able to see flaws that you can't because you're too close to the work.
My typical first reaction to editorial suggestions is this: "What an idiot! You understand nothing of what I'm trying to say." An hour later I think, "Maybe that's not a completely stupid idea." After I incorporate the idea I think, "I'm a genius to have thought of this change." Point is, I have learned to carefully consider each suggestion. Sometimes I reject them, but many times those suggestions have significantly improved my work.
10. There are no certainties
William Goldman said it about Hollywood in his excellent primer for screenwriters, Adventures in the Screen Trade (Warner Books), but it applies equally to all writing. No one knows for sure what's going to sell and what isn't. If an agent from a big agency or an editor from a major publisher rejects your book saying that no one's interested in that type of story anymore, that doesn't necessarily mean anything. Think of all the "knowledgeable" studio execs who rejected Star Wars or big-shot editors who turned down The Godfather.
You must develop your own instincts about writing and have faith in them even when no one else does. That doesn't mean you will be inflexible to suggestions, it just means you will feel confident in whatever decisions you make.
Source: Writer's Digest
1. Take yourself seriously
This is the most crucial commandment—and the most difficult to follow. Many beginning writers feel guilty about working so hard at something for which they haven't been paid a cent. Immediate family members or friends may look on writing as a harmless little hobby, to be encouraged only when it doesn't interfere with their own lives. Because of the cavalier attitude of others, writers may fail to prioritize writing as a necessary part of their lives, regardless of whether or not money exchanges hands.
You must emphatically demonstrate to yourself and to others that writing is a part of who you are, not just an amusing pastime. The measure of being a writer is not how much money you make, but how important writing is in your life.
2. Act like a professional
To be taken seriously as a writer, you must act like a professional writer. That means whenever you deal with other professionals in the writing business, such as agents, editors and publishers, you should act the same as you would for a job interview, and present a professional appearance. This is especially important in cover letters and manuscript preparation.
First, proofread for grammar, punctuation and spelling errors. I have heard many editors admit they sometimes reject a manuscript within the first few pages solely due to the number of grammar, punctuation and spelling mistakes. After months or even years of hard work perfecting your story, novel or screenplay, it would be a shame to have it rejected just because you didn't bother to check your spelling or fix a sentence fragment. And don't rely solely on spell-checking and grammar-checking computer programs—they make errors all the time. If grammar is your weakness, then find someone, either a friend or professional, who can proof the pages for you.
Second, perfect the format. The place to be creative is in your writing style, not the manuscript format. Avoid fancy fonts. They're distracting and hard to read. Stick to standard margins. Narrow margins crowd the page and slow the story's pace; broad margins make it appear as though you don't have a substantial story. Don't design your own cover. It smacks of desperation.
Third, polish the cover letter. Just tell the editors what they need to know. That includes: (a) a brief summary of the work, one to three paragraphs, and (b) anything about yourself that might be relevant to the work (if you're submitting a police procedural novel and you're a journalist who worked the crime beat, that's relevant). Avoid overhyping yourself or the work by making extravagant claims: "This will earn millions of dollars!" or "The world has never seen a novel like this before!" Hyperbole makes agents and editors less eager to work with you.
3. Write your passion
Some beginning writers try to write for whatever trend is popular. But by the time you finish your manuscript, get an agent and send your work to a publisher, the trend will be on its way out. You're more likely to produce publishable material by writing what you're passionate about. If you love romances, then write one. If you love mysteries, then that's the genre for you. You don't have to write only that genre, but as you first start out, if you write what you know, you'll have a stronger feel for the proper conventions to include as well as the cliches and stereotypes to avoid.
Ultimately, all that matters is that you care about the material and convey that passion to the reader.
4. Love the process
If you want to become a professional fiction writer, you'd better love the writing process. That doesn't mean you don't have doubts, fears and an aversion to your computer. It means that despite those hesitations, you still sit down and write. Even after you've sold your novel, finished your book-signing tour and watched Brad Pitt star in the film version, you still have to spend most of your days at a computer. That process must thrill and delight you, since all the rest of the celebrity trappings are only a small part of what you do.
5. Read—a lot
While it's a very good idea to know your genre, the best writers don't limit their reading to that genre. Artists need to experience other artists' work, which can teach and inspire as well.
When I read a fascinating novel or watch an insightful movie, I can't wait to get back to my own writing and make it better. This also works when I read a boring novel or watch a cliched movie; then I can't wait to make sure I haven't made similar mistakes in my work.
Reading nonfiction is also helpful to fiction writers. I've been so inspired by articles on scientific discoveries, political events or historical facts that I've later made the ideas significant parts of my fiction works. A 10-line filler in the newspaper about the auction of Napoleon Bonaparte's penis inspired the opening chapter of my novel Earth Angel.
6. Stick to a schedule
The main difference between successful writers and wannabe writers is not talent—it's perseverance. They finish what they start. Create a writing schedule that works for you and stick with it. Two types of scheduling work best for most writers.
1. The Gridlock Method. Fill out a weekly grid with all your responsibilities that cannot be changed—work, school, family, etc. Find two-hour blocks on at least three days of the week that you can claim for writing. Announce to your family and friends that those are your writing hours, and you are not to be disturbed during that time except for emergencies. (Be sure to define "emergencies.")
2. The Spare-Change Method. This method is for those whose schedules are less predictable. On a calendar, write the number of pages you intend to complete per day. Regardless of how busy you are that day, commit to staying up until that number of pages is complete.
Whichever method you use, the result will be the same: You will end up with a completed manuscript.
7. Be critical of your work
Writers live with the hope that someday they will read what they've written and not want to tear it up. The bad news is that the better you become as a writer, the more critical you are of your writing. The more you know about writing, the less you can tolerate bad writing (your own or others'). The good news is this critical ability will make you better. You will learn to reject the predictable and strive for invigorating style, plotting and characterization. Stop worrying that you'll never be a good enough writer, and embrace the inner critic.
8. Develop thick skin
As a beginning writer I dreamed of the day when I would never have to face another rejection. Forty published books and 12 sold screenplays later, not a day goes by when something I've written or proposed to be written isn't rejected by someone. Usually some publisher or producer buys what I've written, but not always. I still have a few unsold novels stashed in my garage, rejected stories and poems in my filing cabinet, script treatments on my desk.
Rejection still stings. But it doesn't hurt as long as it used to because I have so many projects to pursue. I no longer mope around and curse the short-sightedness of a universe that fails to recognize my genius. I just work on the next project. And if the same manuscript keeps getting rejected for the same reason, I re-evaluate the work and maybe rewrite it.
9. Trust your editors
First, I'm going to broadly define editors as not only professional editors at publishing houses but also writing teachers and writing workshop members who read and offer editorial suggestions. Most editors aren't frustrated writers—some are accomplished writers publishing more than you. In general, they have your best interests at heart. That doesn't mean you won't have disagreements with their suggestions. You most certainly will. You may even be right sometimes. But you will miss out on some very helpful suggestions if you refuse to listen.
The goal of most editors is to help you best realize the story you want to write. Because they come at it with fresh perspectives, they may be able to see flaws that you can't because you're too close to the work.
My typical first reaction to editorial suggestions is this: "What an idiot! You understand nothing of what I'm trying to say." An hour later I think, "Maybe that's not a completely stupid idea." After I incorporate the idea I think, "I'm a genius to have thought of this change." Point is, I have learned to carefully consider each suggestion. Sometimes I reject them, but many times those suggestions have significantly improved my work.
10. There are no certainties
William Goldman said it about Hollywood in his excellent primer for screenwriters, Adventures in the Screen Trade (Warner Books), but it applies equally to all writing. No one knows for sure what's going to sell and what isn't. If an agent from a big agency or an editor from a major publisher rejects your book saying that no one's interested in that type of story anymore, that doesn't necessarily mean anything. Think of all the "knowledgeable" studio execs who rejected Star Wars or big-shot editors who turned down The Godfather.
You must develop your own instincts about writing and have faith in them even when no one else does. That doesn't mean you will be inflexible to suggestions, it just means you will feel confident in whatever decisions you make.
Source: Writer's Digest
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