If You are Broke

i like to imagine the majority of the people reading this blog are reading it from an office-- which is why i schedule posts for 8am and 2pm-- but for those of you who read this at home, i like to imagine you are broke and unemployed.

i mean, i don't enjoy imagining you broke and unemployed, but it seems to be we're all either one or the other these days.

also, i don't know how helpful reading about diarrhea and whiskey is when you could be looking for a job, but it's probably a lot better to be reading about diarrhea and whiskey while unemployed than be the guy writing it while unemployed.

the point is, i want to help.

i've been broke my entire life and only ever managed to survive by getting creative. sometimes you can't find a job, sometimes your leg goes and breaks and costs you money you don't exactly have, sometimes a drunk person breaks your computer-- things happen and money needs to come out of nowhere.

but it's important to keep your mind active and positive. i mean, let's look at the bright side: you don't have to go to work every day like everyone else, so you have a lot of spare time to come up with cons clever ways to make money appear.

anyway, i bring you this simple cash-maker: become a hangman shark. you know, like a pool-shark. this isn't one of those schemes you see online that require you to have some sort of hidden talent like magic tricks or owning a midget-- this is skill-less and easy, just watch (or read).

i took the idea for an online test-run courtesy of my former camera-selling co-worker, mr. addison.

president wishnack: $5 that i can come up with an easy four-lettered word that you won't guess before the man is hanged.
president wishnack: mostly cuz im drunk and feeling literary.

mr. addison: alright.
mr. addison: lets do this.

president wishnack: ok so in my world of hangman, there are six tries before he's dead.
president wishnack: the head, torso, and four limbs.

mr. addison: no fingers or toes, old school.
mr. addison: i approve.

president wishnack: and no face.
president wishnack: cuz that makes it too emotional.

mr. addison: top hat?

president wishnack: there's a top hat, but it only takes one turn to draw because i'm really good at drawing top hats.
president wishnack: so a total of 7 tries.

mr. addison: i hope that you are actually drawing this out.
mr. addison: to make it legit.

president wishnack: oh i am, ill tag you in the photo when you lose.
president wishnack: (im trying some psychology tricks here to help my chances)
president wishnack: K GO!

mr. addison: E

president wishnack: there is no E

mr. addison: could you be tricky enough to give me a word with no vowels?

president wishnack: it's an english word, if that helps.

mr. addison: "I"

president wishnack: is that a capital "eye" or a lowercase "el"?

mr. addison: I have green eyes

president wishnack: that's sexy
president wishnack: but what letter is it?

mr. addison: EYE

president wishnack: oh ok.
president wishnack: there is no I.
president wishnack: but EYE love whiskey, i'll tell ya that.

mr. addison: oh this I have come to know my friend.

president wishnack: well see if you can come to know my four-lettered word.
president wishnack: right now, all you've done is sang part of the old mc donald had a farm song.
president wishnack: the boring part, if i might add.

mr. addison: "A"

president wishnack: there is no A.

mr. addison: hmm
mr. addison: i wonder
mr. addison: you do love poop
mr. addison: "O"

president wishnack: this guy is just guessing all the vowels, but at this rate when he gets the right one, he'll be more than half hanged and missing letters.
president wishnack: there is no O.

mr. addison: T

president wishnack: ooh tea would be good, my throat is sore and these hot toddies are getting me too drunk.
president wishnack: but there is no tea.
president wishnack: or T, for that matter.

mr. addison: two more appendages?

president wishnack: a leg and a top hat.
president wishnack: i'm doing the hat last just because its so classy.

mr. addison: U

president wishnack: there is a U, it's the second letter.

mr. addison: S

president wishnack: OH
president wishnack: wait like... S as in steven?

mr. addison: no no no.
mr. addison: S as in preSident.

president wishnack: good call.
president wishnack: i like your style.
president wishnack: there is no S.
president wishnack: you're at __ U __ __ and if you make another mistake you'll top hat this motherfucker to his death.
president wishnack: and owe me $5.

mr. addison: and so far we have no: A, E, I, O, T, S

president wishnack: correct.
president wishnack: IT'S SO OBVIOUS!
president wishnack: CHAMON!
president wishnack: (michael jackson style)

mr. addison: F

president wishnack: is that you're FFFFFFFFinal answer?
president wishnack: HAH see what i did there?

mr. addison: MARK IT DUDE

president wishnack: dammit, really?

mr. addison: MARK IT ZERO
mr. addison: OR F

president wishnack: AS IN THE GRADE YOU JUST GOT CUZ THERE IS NO F?
president wishnack: wait, that's not a question.
president wishnack: there is no F.

mr. addison: WHAT IS THIS F YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT
mr. addison: i clearly meant to type G
mr. addison: which is right next to F
mr. addison: on the keyboard

president wishnack: i'll give you two eyes and a mouth if you make it $20.
president wishnack: that's three more tries to guess three more letters with no mistakes.

mr. addison: SORRY BROMONTANA
mr. addison: i know not to mess with the wishnack.

president wishnack: THEN GIMME MY $5.
president wishnack: the word was "buzz"

in case you're curious, the word really was "buzz", the trick has nothing to do with changing the word, lying, or in anyway tricking someone. also, for the record, mr. addison went double-or-nothing and tried to outsmart me with a word of his own and he lost. badly. in six tries, i got all four letters and in seven tries, he only got one. though he did get a pretty sweet top hat.

i'm not a wordsmith and i'm not a genius. i am a man who read an article on a very geeky website that explained the top 25 words least likely to be guessed in a game of hangman. and you can, too. it's right here.

thank you, mathematics. perhaps we can be cool after all.

anyway, if you're too lazy to read the article-- damn-- you can just view the image below. it lists the magical words in order of success. it also tells you how many tries you can (theoretically) give your opponent without them guessing word. for instance, "jazz" is nearly impossible even with 13 tries.

oh, and it works. i hit union square on monday, tried it on four strangers, and walked home with $75.