This is About Porn

i feel like lying and telling you all i was reading the new york times when i came across the following article, but i was really just mindlessly skimming one of those diarrhea-style websites that pump out celebrity gossip, the 10 worst tit-tattoos, and other such nonsense. either way, the story was compelling.

what got me initially was that it seemed they were doing a study on how the internet is affecting teenage relationships and love-lives-- which is something i've talked about a lot. i mean, i learned how to type 77wpm because of aol's chatrooms and a handy-dandy acronym known as "asl" that lead into some very quick typing.

but the new york times didn't have anything new to offer. they said the average american discovers online porn at age 11-- which is when i saw my first non-digital playboy. so, no change there. they didn't discuss how much easier it's gotten to convince your girlfriend to send you naked photos now that everyone's phone has a camera and there won't be any need for awkward, "can i borrow your camera, dad?" conversations. or sexting.

they also talked about how the internet is helping the porn industry boom. omg, rly?

here's what interested me, though:

...I read about a University of Kansas study that found that 25 percent of college-age men said they’d faked orgasms, which, I’ll admit, was oddly comforting to hear. But it wasn’t until I interviewed dozens of men with varying porn-watching habits (and a few very open-minded women) that some unexpected themes began to emerge. Porn is not only shaping men’s physical and emotional interest in sex on a very fundamental neurological level, but it’s also having a series of unexpected ripple effects—namely on women.

[read more]

i recommend reading the author's somewhat autobiographical full-length story. it explains the possibility of excess porn causing men to grow less interested in their girlfriends. my favorite part of the article is when he says, "over-masturbating" as if there is a limit to that sort of thing. we all know the number of times a person can successfully masturbate in one day is a contest-- that's why men are so jealous of woman's ability to have multiple orgasms.

but there are better lines like,

For a lot of guys, switching gears from porn’s fireworks and whiz-bangs to the comparatively mundane calm of ordinary sex is like leaving halfway through an Imax 3-D movie to check out a flipbook.

it's funny because i hate imax 3-d movies. and everybody knows flipbooks are more charming.

before i forget, have you read about the guy who is allergic to ejaculating? he probably gets so much done with his day.

look, i'm going to be deathly honest here-- which means if you are a family member my younger sister, you may want to stop reading this one.

this article confuses me. i don't like porn. i liked porn. i mean, i really liked porn. but that was before a lot of things. when you're a pre-teen, porn is literally the closest thing you have to sex. and during those times i can completely understand why you might get down with it.

i used to have to log onto my family computer with a 28.8k modem in the middle of the night so i could download porn without taking up our single phone line or getting caught. and if you remember how loud modems [and epson printers] used to be, i can almost promise my family knew what i was doing despite my treating the event like an x-rated mission impossible.

but that was before anyone but my doctor had touched my lower wishnack.

i know there are some people who would rather watch sports than play them and i know there are some people who don't like sports at all. but please don't tell me i'm crazy in assuming the dynamics of sports fans versus sports players are a lot different than anything involving a penis, vagina, mouth, or other such holes and hands.

the minute my sex-life began, my porn-life ended. and any ex-girlfriend of mine can vouch for me on that.

there was one girl who thought she'd found porn on my computer-- but it turned out to be a font package with a weird name.

to answer "how do you masturbate then?" there have been times when whoever i'm dating is far away and my body is going insane. and even then, i can't watch porn. that's usually when i will [almost too persistently] suggest they send me naked pictures of themselves. and, on the surface, i recognize what it must sound like to them. there's always this question of trust and whether or not they should expect their topless-self to show up on my blog.

but i have a few things going for me:

1. they know i'm too selfish to share.
2. they know i need the pictures because porn doesn't work for me.

honestly, i'm not exactly sure what it is. i just don't find nameless naked girls attractive. and i especially don't find them attractive when the pictures look posed and i know i had nothing to do with the reason they're naked. in fact, i could probably argue that i'm more aroused by the act of de-clothing someone i like rather than just magically seeing someone i don't know naked for no reason other than wanting an orgasm. i've had several girlfriends realize that: if things aren't working the way they should be, the best thing to do is put their clothes on and act like they're not interested because i will not be able to handle the temptation of stripping them right back down and making them interested.

porn can't give you any of that. i recognize i'm a little alone on this and plenty people will fight to the death for the love of porn. but i can't help it-- everyone's got their thang.

once, out of sheer boredom and lack of proper tools, i found myself editing porn into a music video for a band called cars can be blue. they have this song called "the dirty song" which seemed like a great shot at comedy if synced with the right porn.

it worked out alright, but youtube banned it pretty quickly. cars can be blue actually wrote me a thank you letter though.

anyway, during the two days it took me to edit everything together-- staring at it all, second by second-- my sex-drive dropped enough that my girlfriend at the time asked about it. but it wasn't the way the above article describes it. it wasn't that i became so addicted to porn that i'd rather it over the real deal. it was actually the opposite. watching hours of meaningless sex with meaningless people made me so disgusted with the act that i couldn't find it in me to do the same dance with the girl i loved.

i know that may sound odd-- it felt odd. but every time we were set toward business, i couldn't make it work. i just kept thinking about the over-paid video-sluts and the guys spraying jizz on unsuspecting eyeballs. and it would continuously ruin the mood.

so to read the article about how a good number of 30 year-olds are losing their libido on account of exhausting porn rather than sex itself just blows my mind. does that mean the average person has sex only to see a naked body and explode everywhere?

i would love if someone could fill me in here. feel free to comment anonymously if that makes you feel more comfortable-- i just need this explained to me. i can understand that i may be considered weird for saying i don't enjoy porn. but telling me a human can actually watch so much porn that they enjoy it more than sex with their significant other means i'm either crazier than i thought, or people need to work on their relationships differently.

but i would love to hear outside opinions.

and i would love for all of you to vote for my threadless design. i know, that wasn't a smooth segue. but seriously, there are only three days left: help me out.