intoxicated poop segment: part cvi

i have a small file of poop quotes and stories from friends. if you think i talk about poop often, try and imagine how often others tell me about their poop. it's one of those things we all want to discuss, but aren't sure how to go about-- and i think i've somewhat named myself the one that won't stop you from poopy conversation if you need to have it.

or emails, like this one, from techboy.

but in my poop quote file, a good 80% of the quotes are from my friend tony. great factual sentences like, "I have, on occasion, been forced to take a shower after I take a dump because I was out of toilet paper."

and more recently, we had a small discussion which made my disgusting mind spin.

tony: dude I ate a really good burrito last night

but uh... this morning...

well you know

so what's the scale

how good does a burrito have to be before you can forgive the fact that it gave you the green apple splatters

in my rule book of foods and consequences, it's always been written in fine print that the ingestion of mexican or indian food is willingly waking up to spicy diarrhea. when you go to purchase a burrito, you've already told yourself that you're craving one so badly that you don't mind if something happens water-turdly as a result.


but tony brings up a good question: to what degree is that true? at what point is the diarrhea so horrible that the food is just not worth it?

i have no answer.

however, i may have a solution.

i'd like to see a food-review website that talks explicitly about poop. in fact, i dare say poop is so closely tied to food it may even be more important to a restaurant's success than their location. yelp has respectfully included things like price, whether or not the restaurant is good for kids, what sort of payments they accept, and a user-based rating system.

but nowhere do they mention poop.

no one wants to associate poop with dinner: i get it. but, unfortunately, poop is as relevant to dinner as ice is to water. and that's not about to change. so it's wonderful to see the millions of foodie websites using words like "chic" and "sensual" but i think it's long past time for poopie websites that use words like "fiery" and "bleeding."

in what shat that? there is a wonderful little graph of each animal's poop and its mess factor. sloppier shit is awarded more turd-silhouettes the same way good food is awarded more stars, or expensive food gains more dollar signs.

yelp could add something like that to their website easily. i mean, think about it: would you really go and check out a restaurant if you knew the following facts?

Price: $ ($30 or less for an entree, drink and tip)
Rating: 4/5 stars (4,000 votes)
Poop: 5/5 poops (4,000 votes)

it sort of makes it clear that the food is delicious, but comes with a price-- and not a monetary one.

we have the right to know these sorts of things.

discuss and disgust...