Passive Attack

we've got a great relationship with our neighbors. in many ways, we are the jay and silent bob of the apartment: always seen in the same spot, doing the same smokey thing, almost as if we were cartoons or a part of the apartment package.

but there have been times signs have been posted alerting smokers to smoke elsewhere. they've never really lasted, but they've been there. ultimately, the fact we smokers will let neighbors inside when they've forgotten their key, or tell the cabbie to wait while neighbors come downstairs outweighs whatever it is people think about smokers. we're human before we're nicotine fiends.

"let me ask you something," are property manager said as he came outside.

he was holding a new sign, and i couldn't help but think it had to do with our smoking again. i guess i wouldn't mind smoking somewhere else or quitting altogether-- i'm down to three cigarettes a day, versus the pack-- but i'm always a little emotional when i feel shunned by society because of cigarettes.

"do you think this is too bitchy?" he asked while showing us the sign.

i read it quickly and only partly out loud before i started laughing.

"no, i don't think so. i think it's the exact right amount of bitchy."

the note was discussing how garbage left somewhat near the appropriate trashcans does not magically disappear and that the property manager is two steps from bringing the trash right back to its rightful owner.

"it's the same fucking guy every time," he said while showing us a grungy envelope with our neighbor's name, "i hate this guy."

"oh, i see him all the time," i said, "he comes out here to tell me his latest escapades with whichever girl."

i was once standing outside, hallucinating on account of magic mushrooms, when a team of four girls tried to break into our apartment to beat the shit out of this neighbor. they tried to convince me that he had ruined my life as well as everyone elses and i had no choice but to tell them i was on mushrooms and in no place for bad moods. we should all just love each other right now.

that probably weirded them out.

"you don't need to talk to him," my property manager said, "i've talked to him. and i'm going to post this up so everyone can see it."

i had no idea of how serious he was until i came back inside and saw the note.

the note complete with my neighbor's properly addressed garbage envelope.


that was the exact right amount of bitchy. i approve.