Maybe We Should Get Married

obviously i am in no place to give anyone financial advice (1, 2). and the only sort of advice i am even less qualified to give would be that which concerns intimate relationships (1, 2, 3). however, i would like to give you a mixture of both.

if, around christmas, you were thinking, "well we can't break up during THE HOLIDAYS" and found yourself staying in an abusive or otherwise boring relationship, you probably also wound up thinking, "well we can't break up right before new year's eve."

and somehow, your dumb relationship has putt-putted about since.

and now it's almost valentine's day: the most important holiday of any post-pubic relationship; the most romantic day of the year, and the most depressing at the same time. which means you're thinking about the value of your relationship a lot. naturally you don't want to hurt the special someone who you hate these days-- because the two of you were in love at one point back when it was all magical and surprising. neither of you want to hurt one another. but there are just so many fucking holidays from november till march that the timing is not as easy as it should be.

so i'll be the one to type it here at the risk of looking like a loveless bastard: just be honest. and not the delusional, string-it-along, self-deprecating kind of honest-- be fucking honest. if you're already thinking about the timing of the best break up, you need to do it now.


there is no good time for a break up-- i'm sure scientists would agree. so would horoscope writers. even though both scientists and horoscope writers tend to change their minds completely out of nowhere and suddenly pluto is not a planet and there's this new sign called the ophicudssypsusuchus. point is, there is no good time for a break up. and no matter what end of it you're on, you'll be depressed.

none of that has anything to do with valentine's day. it'll still feel awful if you break up in june.

i'm telling you this as someone who has both broken up before valentine's and someone who has stuck through valentine's. ultimately, they were both hard. but one of them was financially irresponsible, emotionally dishonest, and a firm waste of time.

don't get me wrong: i had an amazing valentine's with someone i should've already left. we had a regular blast and it felt like we never had any problems. but that's because we were both on our best behavior and trying to be good americans that february the 14th.

however, that feeling lasted just the day and we broke up less than six days later. so why did i buy that dinner? why did she make me that present? why did we pretend?

let's not kid ourselves. if, right now, you're thinking "but we can make this work" i'm going to tell you that you're wrong. this is not because i want you to be hopeless or unhappy-- rather it's the opposite-- i just feel the coming holiday has a way of messing with our heads. you can't make it work if you're in a situation that calls for you to say "we can make this work." it's sort of like how we knew dr. frankenstein was insane because he told that crew of sailors, "i know you think i'm insane but i'm not."

and i've been seeing the chaos on the streets. everyone is in a half-fight with their significant other. twisting words like a god damn crack-pipe. and i know what they're all thinking. you do, too.

all i'll say is this: if you're on the fence, you're running out of time to make the right decision. if it's been on your mind and you still haven't acted upon it, you're just drawing out a bad joke which will reach a punchline everyone else saw coming and your friends will get sick of hearing about it. meanwhile, you're spending dollars and minutes on something you don't believe, in hopes to appear as though nothing is wrong.

that's all ridiculous.

if you've come here to center your chi, or hear of my latest fail, it's all here. but i ask that you learn from my mistakes. save yourself and your future ex some time and chaos: break up now.

if you're happy, you're happy. i'm happy for you, frealz-- you have the greatest thing in the universe. and so, if you're in super-love, this message is not for you. but, speaking to those of you who are "unsure" i recommend you don't fake it any longer and don't let the popularity of valentine's convince you otherwise.

besides, worse case scenario, you can get ultra-hammered on st. patrick's day and make some horrible decisions that help you move on. it's almost like the holiday was put there with valentine's in mind.