We Never Got Him Ties

the only thing worse than going through puberty is trying to do it right after your dad has died. something about it renders you neither an adult or a child and you feel like you're floating and drowning at the same time; you feel like the narrator of a story-- a part of everything, but never interacting with any of the main characters.

it's like showing up to a party sober and finding out that you don't know anyone and everyone is already drunk. except 500 times worse.

junior high started for me with friends and acquaintances asking, "is it true your dad died?" and the conversation would mostly end at "yes." where was it meant to go from there?

and then there was father's day. we would make metal napkin holders in shop and the teacher would approach me knowing what was going on in my home-life. my dad was a teacher, too, so the news spread fast.

"don't worry," he'd say, "this can be for your grandpa."

"i don't have a grandpa," i would say, "they're dead, too."

"well," he would say very nervously,"it can be for anyone you like."

i've always had a problem with this. i don't want to hide the fact my dad is gone and i don't want to spring it on you at the wrong time, but i can't stand the way the fact changes a mood and forces everyone around to dance nervously with the phrasing of things.

it makes me feel like a jerk for mentioning his death simply because of the position it puts everyone else in.

chances are, if you've been through a death, you're less delicate than everyone assumes you are and you've gotten used to admitting it and talking about it a lot sooner than everyone who has never experienced it. i mean, there are phases: why did my dad have to die? i guess i'm alone. things will be okay. i wonder what he would think about me now. i think i would like debate him, etc.

there are things you can ignore and there are things you can just learn to cope with. i think deaths are generally not something you can ignore. and at times, they can be hard to cope with.

i've found that about once every three to five years, i have a small fit of depression, feeling cheated by the world. when i was eighteen, it really got me because i was a "man" without a dad. and now in my twenties, i think i wish i could just sit down and have a philosophical conversation with my dad and pick his brain. but that will never happen and that's sometimes hard to handle.

holidays are the worst because they're more like upsetting milestones. how many people have died this year?

and this year, as father's day approached, i tried mostly to ignore the holiday. this was made more difficult by my job, which requires me to change my outgoing signature to something that mentions how we concierge might be able to assist clients in a perfect father's day.

someone needs to write a handbook on surviving holidays like father's day with no dad, or christmas with a christmas birthday, or holidays in general because they can be pretty awful all around.

this father's day, though, has got to be the first father's day i've experienced since 1997 in which i feel perfectly calm and content.

my grandparents are dead and so is my dad, but my older brother has an amazing daughter and is a father now.

in some way, that balance makes me feel like everything is going to be alright.