I Do Care if I Never Get Back

i am not a fan of baseball mostly because it reminds me of my dad interrupting wyle e. coyote's newest crackpot scheme to "check the score real quickly" which always meant i'd never see if the earthquake pills were going to work or not.

but i am a fan of experience and i am a fan of free things.

either way, my silly job awarded me with two club box tickets to the giants game wednesday.

i don't know anything about baseball except that "stealing third base" is not considered sexual harassment and punishable by law like it is in real life. however, there seems to be only two groups of people in the world of baseball-related happenings.

1. people who hate baseball.
2. people who can't believe i've never been to a game.

and so i found myself there with a friend, flask and camera, waiting to experience my first ball game.

and i could not believe how mind-blowingly boring the entire thing was.

i mean i would say for the first twenty minutes of the game i was literally just trying to adjust to the fact that all these orange characters were actually playing something despite the fact the majority of them were standing motionless.

i would say the batters only swing at about 20% of the pitches and out of that 20%, they only actually succeed in hitting the ball 10% of the time-- 5% of which are still fouls.

i have a difficult time enjoying any sport that is so inactive the athletes actually have to wear pants so their legs will stay warm while they stand around and wait for the opposing team to actually do something.

but i wanted to experience it first hand and see if i still hated. sort of like dating a vegan.

and we ended up leaving within the first hour. it was that bad.

it's not like when people say "english humor is dry." baseball is boring and that's that. it's one of the few spectator sports that are probably better heard than seen. i promise you "swing and a miss!" sounds a lot better than it looks. a swing and a miss is a pitch that lead to nothing.

the very problem lies in the fact that when your team is playing the field, you are literally hoping nothing happens. please don't hit the ball, please don't hit the ball.

so literally half the game, you're hoping that everyone continues to stand perfectly still while the pitcher and the catcher flirt with each other.

i'm glad i can now say i've been to a baseball game, and i will say i learned that fans wear panda hats because sandoval (#48 and the batter above) is nicknamed "the panda". pandoval, maybe? and i discovered that waving foam K's are fans hoping the batter will strike out. apparently K means strikeout.

but trivia aside, i had been told that even if i wasn't a baseball fan, being at the game would be fun.

it wasn't. i had rum with me, and it was still boring.

maybe that's what too much orange does: just bores the shit out of you until you leave. after all it was the giants and the orioles.