Techboy Tried to Kill Me

on wednesdays, as of lately, i've been going out for beer-chats with a friend and former tour guide named jim. we have conversations about the art of conversation, the concept of gold and sometimes fleetwood mac.

most recently, i invited techboy, who proceeded to blame the invitation for his forgetting of two blog posts. and while we all know there is no possible way he actually came up with two blog posts in less than three months, that is not the point here.

the issue is that he tried to kill me.

that wednesday, he handed me a a plastic bag that seemed to be full of bottle caps.

"it feels like there's something else in here," i said while bouncing the bag around.

"there is. it's a manual-- for the toaster."

"oh..." i said, completely unsure how a manual might be for a toaster. i didn't want to ask him because i was worried my questioning his gift would offend him and so i took the bag and smiled a confused smile.

when i got home, i read through the entire manual, scouring for answers, but nowhere did it explain what it might be used for. so i figured i was supposed to use it the same way you use anything else that's "for a toaster."

after a few minutes of toasting, the manual began to release an awkward smoke and browned in a very pannini sort of pattern. it truly is a very nice toaster.

but even after being toasted, the manual did not taste very good. i was confused because out of the millions of things the manual taught me to do, it never properly explained the best way to toast it.

one of my roommates suggested that maybe the manual would taste better if it were toasted longer-- perhaps it hadn't been fully cooked. and after a short while we decided, unanimously, that this was probably true.

we popped the manual back in the toaster hoping for a better taste and that is when i realized techboy's murderous plans.

the manual was up in flames immediately and my kitchen filled with a thick white smoke. the toaster warned us not to open its door during a food fire and so we sat and stared as the fire grew.

techboy had planned this all along.

he knew i would take the manual and put it in the toaster because that's what you do with gifts for toasters and because the manual failed to mention it would burst into an uncontrollable fire if it were toasted.

he practically handed me bullets for my gun.

when the firemen came, i had to explain to them techboy's evil plan-- i told them his attack might have been because he was jealous of my frequent blog updates and that he sometimes struggles with his own blog.

"well," they said, "he certainly should've never given someone like you a manual."

"that's what i'm saying," i agreed, "he was trying to kill me."

"was he also the one who gave you the toaster?"

"he certainly was. i think he had been planning this for some time now. one time he read one of my blog posts about how i ate a marble and wound up in the doctor's office, and do you know what he gave me the next day?"

"what?"

"he gave me a sack of marbles."

fortunately for techboy, the firemen would not accept my formal report of ATTEMPTED HOMICIDE and claimed it was not their field.

but let it be known, i'm on to you, techboy. i'm on to you.


p.s. you can't kill me because then you'll have no posts to plagiarize.

p.p.s. also, thanks for the bottle caps.