Corporate Snippets 7

when i trained for this job, our two temporary bosses created imaginary scenarios that generally involved a vacation going horribly wrong and we, as soon-to-be-concierge, exercised calming the imaginary clients down.

it was like a very professional game of improv and i was very good at it. in the heat of panic, i can generally calm anyone down and perhaps because i'm only ever panicking when things are calm. chaos is my expertise.

but, like any training, it had little to do with what we were actually about to do. needless to say, most calls did not involve a vacation falling to horrible pieces. in fact, the majority of our calls are really rather calm and it's something that i do not deal with nearly as charmingly.

either way, i've compiled a semi-short list of requests i've overheard from colleagues. these are calls i wish i had taken but -- by the luck of the draw-- did not wind up with.

1. will my card pay for my bail?

first off: no. it may cover all kinds of car insurance, but that-- believe it or not-- is not the same as covering your ass when you get taken to jail. i wish i were in the holding cell during which this client used his phone call to call his concierge. it reminds me of the will arnett movie, let's go to prison.

2. can you find out when my sister-in-law's funeral is?

if you don't know when your sister-in-law's funeral is, there is likely a reason and no amount of money is going to solve that problem for you.

3. can you get me tickets to my grandsons graduation?

unfortunately, our dedicated ticket team does not carry tickets to things like graduation ceremonies. while we may advertise that we can get you tickets to sold-out shows, this just doesn't come in to play when you're looking for tickets to something you were clearly not invited. your grandson picked who he wanted to be at the ceremony and you just weren't one of those people. maybe you should've written him a $22 check on his twenty-second birthday rather than talking to him about the youth of today doesn't work hard for what they get and you would've made the cut.

4. will you find me a battery for my helicopter?

believe it or not, one of our concierge actually did find a replacement battery for the client's helicopter. this man is probably the best concierge we have-- i can't even begin to tell you what else he's found for people.

5. please call me two hours, one hour and half an hour before my flight to remind me i need to be on the plane at 5pm.

augh.

6. i think i have lyme disease and i need to know what doctor's prescribe for that and where i can get it.

i guess, if you're going to be a hypochondriac, having a concierge service is probably very nice. and at least he was only asking about lyme disease and not something worse. "what do you do when you get crabs in your mustache?"

7. what is the back up plan about? can you read me the synopsis?

i think it was somewhere around "...Never before has love seen a courtship where a wild night of sex involves three in a bed - Stan, Zoe and the ever-present massive pregnancy pillow. Or, where 'date night' consists of being the 'focal point' at a near-stranger's water birth which does for kiddie pools what "Jaws" did for swimming in the ocean." that the concierge completely stopped reading the synopsis.

8. i divorced my husband and he spent all of my points and i need to know if i can be reimbursed.

that there is one quick, clever, move. while some may argue about the kids, the couch, the decorative russian dolls they got in that one antique store-- this man, without blinking an eye, called his concierge and used every one of his wife's credit card points toward an airline ticket. and when she called, all that could be said was, "well, you should have removed him from your authorized redeemers list... is there anything else we can assist you with?"