Bizzaroffice and the Logic-Free Zone

early in the morning monday, i helped a friend move, drank a few beers and went directly to work afterward. i managed to transform from semi-normal to square-bear with the use of a tie and those ridiculous loafers of mine in time to reach the offices thirty minutes earlier than necessary.

i wasn't drunk, but i was slightly nervous that someone would smell my beer-breath. though, with the amount i drink i imagine i practically sweat a fine wine.

not a minute passed before my manager came over to lecture me.

"we need to talk to you about your work habits," manager #1 began as manager #2 appeared as if by magic.

"oh," i stumbled, "definitely. what's up?"

"well," manager #1 said while eying me, "how are you?"

"i'm good. ready for my weekend," i laughed awkwardly and they smiled in awkward unison.

"are you aware you are more than thirty minutes early?"

"oh, yeah," i said, "i like to show up early, get my work email sorted out and generally absorb the environment before clocking in."

"yeah, see, that's what we need to talk about," manager #1 said worriedly.

at this point i was confused and also suddenly very aware that manager #2 had said absolutely nothing and was generally there for no reason other than intimidating me.

"is there a... problem with coming in early?"

"while i adore you for it, it's just really not best practice," manager #1 informed me, "because, legally, we would have to be paying you to be here."

best practice is one of those phrases-- the kind you should be afraid of because they symbolize something that can change in whatever way necessary to make it seem as though you're not doing what you should be doing. best practice should've really been typed BEST PRACTICE.

"oh," i said, "i mean i don't even clock in. i just do this at every job-- you know, show up early and sort of get a feel for how they day is going before getting involved in it and being unprepared, etc."

"yeah..." he looked at manager #2, who still said nothing, "you really can't be doing that. if you're supposed to come to work at 2pm, you need to come at 2pm. right now, what i see is a red flag and you don't want that."

"no. no, i don't by any means," i assured him, "but i don't understand the problem."

am i worrying that i may be about to get in trouble for coming to work early? you're doing your job so well you don't even notice i'm drunk.

"if you're at your desk, we need to be paying you. technically, we shouldn't even let you eat lunch at your desk."

"i can't sign some kind of authorization sheet explaining that i forfeit my right to whatever pay and would simply prefer to come in early and get myself situated for the benefit of our clients?"

"welcome to california," manager #1 laughed despite the fact i still have no idea what the joke was in reference to.

i feel like an alien looking down at humankind during the 90's and just having no idea what the fuck is going on and why everyone is being so stupid.

every time i feel like i'm learning to understand the corporate world more, i get hit with this kind of nonsense. being early is a horrible thing. making a client laugh is not professional behavior. you need to dress in business clothing even though no one sees you. i literally do not understand this. how is showing up early a "red flag" when my coworker has not even come in the last two days and received no form of warning?

i could understand the complaint if it were that i was harassing or interrupting other coworkers while they were on the clock, or if i were clocking in early and robbing the company of overtime pay, but it's nothing of the sort.

"i'll tell you what," manager #1 began, "if you start showing up on time, i'll work out permission for you to go into fulfillment for your first hour here so you'll be being paid but won't be taking calls and you can absorb your environment that way. sound good?"

"no," i said, surprised, "i hate people who do that. they come in at 2pm, start getting paid and just sit there not taking calls for an hour? it really pisses me off because it gives the rest of the team more work. why would you want me to do that when i'm offering to come in for free thirty minutes early?"

"we're going to need to come to some sort of compromise."

"look," i sighed, "i'll do whatever it is you want me to do. but it makes absolutely no sense to me."

i need a vacation.