a while back i had a debate with a man who had been eavesdropping on my conversation regarding e.t.: the extra-terrestrial. i was arguing that whatever planet e.t. was from, it must've been either mostly covered in water or he at least spent a majority of his life in water the same way an amphibian does.the eavesdropper was quick to tell me i was wrong because e.t. had no webbed toes or fingers and was shaped in a way that would prohibit proper swimming. he then proceeded to explain that there was no evidence that e.t. was from a watery planet and that the point of the movie was that the little waddling alien was actually jesus.
i was, admittedly, impressed by his idea and even his later comparison of the e.t. movie poster and michelangelo's sistine chapel, but i didn't want to get into a lengthy conversation about the fact death and reincarnation do not always relate to jesus (zombies, for instance) and that spielberg (the writer) is jewish.
this was meant to be a theoretical conversation about the type of planet e.t. inhabited.
but no matter what i said to prove e.t. was an underwater creature, the eavesdropper pretended he couldn't remember what scene i was talking about and-- at times-- even insisted the scene didn't exist.
well, check it out: the scenes do exist and i have better things to do than lie about the happenings of a 1982 movie in order to impress a stranger.
i've taken the liberty of screenshotting a few of these scenes in hopes that some of you will agree that webbed-toes or not, e.t. loves water even more than humans do. in fact, elliot discovered e.t. just cold-chillin in mist-- which is basically air-water anyway.
anyway, the story begins with elliot anxious to explain what toys are and what they're used for and how absolutely fun it is to be violent. he shows e.t. how his two action figures can kill each other before realizing e.t. cannot take his eyes away from the nearby fishbowl. he actually points at it and elliot proceeds to tell him that the creature inside is a fish and that a shark can kill it.
...and then takes a shark toy and pretends to kill the fish.
later on, e.t. climbs into the bathtub and lays down under water. elliot freaks out and assumes e.t. is going to drown (again with the death. i know his dad died, but what the hell is with this kid?) but realizes e.t. is smiling a goofy smile.
yes, elliot. it is. e.t. loves water. FACT.
so, the movie continues and e.t. goes missing. they'd all gone out trick-or-treating and something happened that lead to e.t. just straight up not coming home. everyone panics, the flowers start dying and baby drew barrymore looks drunk.
elliot's older brother winds up finding e.t. mostly dead, laying at the edge of a creek.
it seems to me, the dying e.t. was trying to make it to the most comforting place possible and that-- for him-- was water. because, e.t. loves water. MOTHERFUCKIN FACT.there is no saying whether or not his lack of water is what made him fall ill-- after all, it could have been the crazy amount of reeses and m&m's he ate throughout the earlier parts of the movie-- but i like to believe it's relevant considering how dried up the little guy looks.
in terms of his physical appearance, i don't think it's safe to say he would require fins, webbed-toes or anything similar to be considered capable under water. there are three things that help me believe his body has been engineered for aquatic activities:
2. e.t. is hairless like most water animals.
3. in the one scene that we actually see e.t. run, he sucks at it. like, real bad.
TRIPLE GOD DAMN FACT.
if you're reading this, mr. eavesdropper, you're wrong and i'm right.
and, mr. spielberg, if you're reading this, please get my back on this one. i've always thought you were a cool guy. also, i hope you're not offended by the e.t. comic i drew above-- it's nothing personal, just had to be done.
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