long story short, i was given sunday off at the cost of thursday, and i thought it'd be nice to hang out with techboy on his weekend for once. i'd helped him move, but i'd never actually hung out at his new balcony-included fillmore pad.
i brought my nikon as a sort of two-in-one: i'd heard the aloha fillmore festival was going down and i've been meaning to actually use my camera more often.
but after riding the geary through traffic with nothing outside of espresso and cigarettes in my belly, i had a sort of emergency that required immediate attention. as soon as techboy greeted me at his apartment, i was cornered into saying a very quick and impolite hello before pushing aside to run for his toilet.
i can't say this is the first time i've done this to someone-- and i suppose i had the benefit of already knowing techboy, which hasn't always been the case with emergencies like these.
but i threw his bathroom door open and hit the lights to find the toilet. . .
and i found this instead.
what. the. fuck. i still remember the moment i saw this kid, just laying there, i thought i was going to pass out. what you can't see-- courtesy of my editing-- is that there was a medium-sized boba fett action figure poking his head and gun out of his rear. i have seen some things, but this is easily the worst sight ever. my need to poop was immediately overshadowed and outdone by my need to speak with techboy and get some answers."haha," he laughed, "don't worry: it's fake."
"what?" i said, shocked, "he looks pretty fucking real to me. what the hell happened?"
"no man," techboy said calmly, "it's just plastic-- it's not real. geez."
"I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THE ACTION FIGURE!" i screamed, "i know that's not a real boba fett-- he's fictional-- what the fuck is with this kid?"
"i don't know man," he mumbled,"he was just like that when i got home. do you want a beer?"
"bullshit," i said, alarmed at his nonchalance, "that's your fucking action figure! fuck your beer!"
realizing i was not going to get a straight answer out of him-- and that he'd quite possibly lost it-- i took a picture with my nikon (thank god i'd brought it) and told him i was getting the cops. i was in a serious panic and for the first time ever felt afraid to be in the same room as techboy.
look, i don't like talking to the police and i certainly don't like calling the cops on my friends, but i refuse to be the guy who finds a partly molested child with a star wars figurine crammed in his rectum and does nothing about it.
throughout the entire process, techboy remained calm-- occasionally sipping at a smirnoff ice and seeming confused why i was so frantic and upset.
luckily, the hawaiian street fair was going on and the police officers were easy to find and very responsive. on the lighter end of things, it felt amazing to have five cops marching behind me, through a parade, on their way to fight the reported crime. i was worried they wouldn't believe me and i wouldn't know what to do, but finally, to serve and protect.
when we got to techboy's molestation station, he opened the door politely and invited the group of us inside.
and the kid was gone.
the cops turned toward me.
the cops were getting frustrated and i could tell. without the existence of the unconscious kid, there was no doubt i looked like more of a criminal than techboy.
i scanned the room for any hint of the child, but he was most definitely gone.
techboy grinned and i started to sweat.
there is no way i'm being fucked here.
and then i saw it.
the police didn't move. this wasn't enough.
why didn't i think of this before?
and that was all it took. techboy was on the ground and in cuffs faster than i'd ever imagined. this was the first time i'd watched a friend taken down by the police and actually rooted for the side of the law. it was a scary experience, but think about the kid.
the cops let me use the bathroom before taking the two of us back to the station for a formal police report. they said they would send officers to find the child, and in most situations like these (it's sad that they've had these situations before) the kid is hid somewhere inside the apartment-- that techboy wouldn't have had time to send him off, especially not unconscious.
that relaxed me a little.
anyway, i'm not sure why i'm writing this here. i'm not sure it's appropriate, or fair, or what-- but it's been a crazy weekend and i don't know what else to do to calm my mind, or where else to write this.
i guess at the very least, techboy now has a decent excuse for not updating his blog.
why is it always the ones you least expect? and why a kid?
i need a drink.
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