Rotting Cologne

it could've been the the hole in my window screen, or the overflowing bin of crushed beer cans, or maybe just carmen's poop. it could be all of the above, for that matter. but whatever the culprit, our apartment is becoming overpopulated by fruit flies. at first there were only a few, but now it's safe to say humans are the minority in this apartment and the flies are in control.

initially, the flies were a fun way to test my japanese side-- grabbing the pests out of the air fast and effectively. sort of like carmen would have been doing as a cat if she weren't plagued with laziness.

but when the flies kept multiplying, we had to bring out the big guns: an ipod touch equipped with an app called "bug spray."

yes, when you need to rid your house of flies and spiders, there's an app for that.

except it only worked temporarily and the following morning began with clouds of the little buggers flying about carelessly, probably chatting with each other about what they might do to make the place more "homey."

i had few solutions left and had recently watched the little shop of horrors, and so it wasn't long before i found myself in the plant warehouse-- looking for a carnivore.

the moment i walked inside, i knew my problems would be solved. my eyes were greeted by greenery hanging from the ceilings and climbing the walls, my lungs with fresher-- happier-- air, and my ears with jackson 5's "can you feel it?"

oh, i could feel it, tiny michael-- i could feel it.

my senses had fallen so desperately in love with their surroundings i could barely move. i could only stare at the indoor jungle and feel my heart dance with excitement.

and then, the most magical sound interrupted my trance. it came from an employee's mouth and after a short pause, i recognized the soothing sound to be words that went as follows:

"there is complementary wine over there, too."

for just a second, i legitimately felt as though i had walked in on a cult-- everything was too fantastic and perfect and wondrous in every way.

but i shook the thought out of my head and grabbed me some wine.

and while sipping on my merlot, truly enjoying every aspect of the plant-filled experience, i saw it: the answer to my problems; the purpose of my visit well before the harmonizing jacksons and the complementary wine...

the pitcher plant: nature's toilet.

ten dollars of fly-eating plant-life. sold.

how many times in your life have you single-handedly solved an insect problem for under $10, while enjoying some jackson 5 and wine? it's almost as if these flies were meant to invade my home at the same time as i watched the little shop of horrors just so i would experience the magic that is the plant warehouse.

i give the plant warehouse 6 million wishnack points. and that's not only a lot, but it's the first time i've given any establishment any wishnack points. so think about that.

and with the number of fruit flies infesting my apartment, this flytrap can consider every day thanksgiving day. i wanted a venus flytrap so i could grow it large enough to eat carmen, a la audrey ii, but tropical plants don't do too well in fogtown u.s.a.

for now, this will do just fine.

but you're going down, carmen. soon enough, you're going down.