Dear Fan Thief

as you know, our offices are only ever graced by air-conditioning monday through friday during the hours of 6am and 4pm. with that being said, the hours after 4pm can be ungodly (and questionably illegal) given we're locked up on the fifteenth floor.

image via toothpastefordinner.

most of us who work night shifts or late shifts have since bought a fan for our desks so we don't black out or die. my only hope in this world is that i will not die at my desk while searching for the best available rates of donkey rentals.

my point is this: if you feel the need to borrow my fan while i'm not at work, make sure to return it. it's a simple thing, really.

i remember when i first got this job, i was confused and jealous of how many people were having their ceramic bowls stolen-- but this is different. this is like stealing part of my sanity.

most recently, i tied my fan's extension cords to other extension cords and thought that might be a clue that i didn't want you to take it.

but to no prevail.

i came to work to a missing fan again.

beyond how simple it would be for you to return my fan at the end of your shift, here is what i don't understand: there is air-conditioning until 4pm, which would mean-- to me-- you shouldn't need to steal my fan if you're working the morning shift.

but, if you do need it, it's very likely i need it too-- since i only get two hours of air conditioning out of my nine.

and don't assume i don't know who you are. if i were to guess, i would say it's very likely you're...oh, i don't know... the person who sits at the desk where i keep finding my fan. the same person who never finishes their clients' requests and then drops them in my box so i can deal with it (and the hunt for my fan) when i arrive.

you work 6am-1:30pm monday through friday, which is synonymous for "you work in a thoroughly air-conditioned office."

look, don't be a bitch.

if my fan is gone one more time, i'm going to fill it with wheat bran powder so when you steal it next, it'll blast tiny particles of bran into your open pores and when those pores close they will insure a nasty rash.

for weeks.

you'll be that person who has a really obvious and awkward pink rash all over your face and neck and you'll either have no idea why, or you'll have to explain it's because you were stealing a coworker's fan and he used to work at a pet feed store during which he learned a lot about grains and peculiar revenge.

sweatingly,
president wishnack

p.s. - don't tell me to have a good weekend on your friday because it's my monday and it makes me want to kick you in your teeth.