filthy pizza cheese-eating hypocrite.i suppose the reason there was no update is that i'd spent the greater majority of my days on gimptard.com writing about my experience with bees, my ever-long battle with the species, and my swollen testicles.
i'd written about bees online too many times. hell, i'd written about bees on my resume, too.
but, recently, in my battle with fruit-flies i realized there was one bee-related adventure very few people knew i'd ever had-- including the most hardcore gimptard readers.
so, techboy, here is your update. though it's much more about paper wasps than it is about bumble bees. but stingers, and stripes, and give me a break.
what's likely known is that i grew up a huge fan of catching and studying bugs without ever being told that bees sting. my first few experiences with that weren't as painful as they were inconvenient and i swore bees as my arch nemesis for several years.
i did a lot of research on the insect and its relatives while being stung about weekly.
and there was a day i was at alex's house when i'd realized his parents had hung a wasp-catcher-- one of those neon yellow cylinders that you'd see at elementary schools-- and i told him wasp-catchers only catch yellow-jackets (scavengers without much of a nest) and that it would do nothing to paper wasps (the ones with dangly legs and sloppy nests.)
his house was infested with paper wasps, not yellow jackets.
i also told him i was offended that he didn't call on me to remove his pesky stinging villains.
armed with a cat spray bottle and a pair of tongs i swore to him i would kill more paper wasps that his wasp-catcher. it was sort of a modern-day version of john henry's story-- except i didn't die with a spray bottle in my hands.
one by one, i sprayed the wasps out of the air till i'd removed every one of them and then finally their nest with the tongs.
shortly afterward, i started a wasp and bee removal company based around the idea that professionals ask for nearly $120 a job for something i could do less expensively and much more entertainingly.
this is how it went:
i'd generally walk into all situations with a camera and the statement, "i'm going to get stung at least once."
there's a film somewhere of me removing 58 paper wasps with a spatula and a comforter bag at tim's apartment. and one at my old high school with a pepsi bottle and a lighter.
wasp nests were always destroyed because wasps are scavenging motherfuckers who can sting and bite you over and over until they just get bored. they do not help pollinate and they certainly aren't stingy with those stingers.
bee hives, on the other hand, were kindly removed. there is a brilliantly simple trick to it all: find the queen, put her in a box and all the other bees will follow. take the box elsewhere and open it. the end. no death necessary.
but while it was a fun gig, i couldn't find enough nests to create a worthy commercial and the "company" ultimately died before it had a chance to live. the mistake was starting the company at the end of summer when all the bees were leaving.
and perhaps the fact the concept deemed me close to insane.
either way, i extend this invitation to all of you in close proximity to me: if you have a bee hive you need removed or a wasp nest you need violently destroyed, give me a call. we'll hang out, have a few drinks and fix it all up.
you can laugh but i'm sure you'd rather i get stung than you and, after all, i'm going to get stung at least once.
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