Dear Stella Artois

i have never liked you. i've tried-- very hard at times-- but the fact remains: i do not like you.

the first time i drank your silly liquids, i felt ripped off, and i had gotten you for free. in fact i'd taken the job at the liquor store much more as a learning experience than a financial solution. i wanted to see who drank what and why. i made a point to try anything that i'd never had-- especially if it was a big seller.

and there you were: commonly bought by people in their late twenties-- your buyers seemed genuinely cool while very put together.

i made a point to try you out.

but you're not even 12 oz.-- you're 11.2 because you're belgian and belgians don't believe in full beers.

you're just eleven disgusting ounces of what seems to be a more expensive version of heineken. in that way, it may be a good thing you're not the full 12oz-- i don't think i could stand drinking 0.8 more ounces of your nonsense. and don't get me wrong: i love belgian beers-- duvel, delirium, and the like. you, however, are the budweiser of belgians.

and how dare you be a pop-off cap? i understand most imported beers are, but why should i go through any struggle to drink your skunky piss-waters? to top it off, you have a protective foil i have to first remove before i can even get to that pop off cap.

man, just fuck you.

you "had 600 years to get it right" and you still haven't come close.

fuck you and your high-maintenance bottles, your elitist "perfection comes at a price" advertisements, and your pretentious little tulip-shaped glasses.

i don't understand how you managed to trick so many people into finding you worth their money, or willing to call you "delicious"-- you are a beer meant to be pounded at the end of the night when all the rest of the alcohol has run dry and there is no other choice.

i'm writing this to you because i've found that your horrible taste, yet amazing grasp on such cool people has negatively affected the way i treat your fans. we could be having a great conversation-- really hitting it off-- and then i see you in their hand and my hope drops. you make me feel like no matter how much i might respect these people, i will never fully connect with them-- like the really interesting girl who enjoys maroon 5.

you're like maroon 5 to me. i said it.

not yours,
president wishnack