This is About Religion

it sometimes disappoints me that the greek gods grew to be considered non-gods and simply mythology. they were a lot better at tricking us into taking care of the planet-- rather than behaving only to gain access to some form of afterlife-utopia. if you fucked with the ocean, poseidon would see that your ship sank-- and if you pissed of zeus, he would tie you to a mountain where vultures could feast on your intestines. you had to treat the world right and the afterlife [while very relevant] had a lot less to do with it.

anyway, i was digging in the ruins of san francisco and discovered an ancient story i had not previously known. it was written on papyrus or something really old and believable. and it seems to explain how the greek gods fell apart and how christianity prevailed. it's really rather unsurprisingly immature.

- - -

AT THE GOD-COLOSSEUM:

"if you would kindly shut your mouth," zeus said, "my mother did not feed my father a boulder and pretend it was me so that i would grow up to be interrupted by an alcoholic."

"your mother was a whore-goddess with six retarded babies," dionysis responded, "and you were raised by a goat."

a thunder cloud grew above and some lightning lightninged about. dionysis was drunk again.

the first image that shows up when "greek mythology" is googled. epic.

"if it weren't for me," zeus boomed, "you would not be here."

"well your meetings are gay," dionysis said, drinking a jug of carlos rossi, "so wtv. i don't wanna be here anyway."

hermes snickered.

"this is funny to you?" zeus snapped, turning to hermes.

"no sir," hermes replied, "it is not funny at all. i was merely laughing because aphrodite said the same thing when i delivered the invite to this meeting."

naked-aphrodite looked up.

"you know, hermes," she sighed, "this is why you're only the god-form of a delivery boy."

dionysis laughed and then winked an awkward wink at aphrodite before zeus did some more thundery things and crossed his arms to speak again. zeus was never conservative with his use of thunder-powers, just as dionysus was never conservative about his drinks.

"look," he began, "there are a bunch of humans who are starting to worship something they call 'christianity' and they're forgetting that we're in charge. in fact, they've made their version of hades carry poseidon's trident just to piss us off!"

poseidon's eyes lolled about in his head while he bathed in a particularly random golden bathtub.

"dick-squatters!" he shouted before nodding off and slinking deeper into the tub waters.

"man, just what the underworld is wrong with all of you today?" zeus screamed.

"i'm not going to lie," dionysus said, "i totally transformed the entire aegean sea into wine and got poseidon plastered. i also boned aphrodite nine times-- but who hasn't. i think even hermes got some head from a centaur at my pad-- you should've come."

aphrodite eyed dionysus angrily and dionysus eyed her not-eyes. (this means her boobies)

"you and i both know that is not true," she whispered angrily.

"really?" dionysus asked, "pretty sure it is. how else do you explain priapus? or did you forget about our son who was born with a permanent erection? you know, since you've disowned him i've had a rad fucking time with the kid-- i made him like forty nymphs so he can bone all day long and i'm pretty sure he likes me a lot more than you."

priapus flicked his ever-present boner and giggled at how it sprang right back. aphrodite remembered the glorious drunken night she had with the god of wine and party, but covered it up by glaring some more. she got around, but she was the goddess of love and had to pretend otherwise. after all, she was also the goddess of manipulation.

"although he did say you were pretty hot for a mom," dionysus added before high-fiving priapus.

"THAT IS PLENTY!" zeus shouted.

"oh, i'm sorry," dionysus smiled, "have i offended the god who had sex with his little sister only to cheat on her with his daughter after she magically popped out of his skull? that's neat."

zeus glanced at hera, and then athena. and then he glanced at the ground.

"i am trying to have a very important discussion here," zeus plead, "we, as gods, need to maintain our power over humans. it's bad enough that prometheus gave them all fire."

"i'm gonna give them some motherfucking wine," dionysus shouted.

"i'm gonna give them somma my dick," priapus said as he looked toward his father for approval.

"right on," dionysus responded, "stir some shit up! party at my place!"

"i just hate you sometimes," zeus said.

"FIGHT!" ares shouted. it is a somewhat widely known fact that ares says no other words at any meeting, and in any conversation. a few of the gods like to talk about whether or not ares is just a very strong mentally challenged god.

"hey whatever, man," dionysus continued, "don't be jealous just because you have to transform into a bull to seduce your women. i've offered you liquor like 94750934 times and you're too mighty for that."

zeus tried to start talking, but priapus screamed.

"my bad, zeus," he said, "i think i just jizzed in my toga by accident. yep: i did. annnnd my boner is back already! man. sometimes i amaze myself. okay, sorry: go on with what you said about the thing."

poseidon woke up to vomit on aphrodite's leg. aphrodite smiled.

- - -

the rest of the documents seemed to be covered in either blood, poop, or poopy wine. but whichever, i couldn't read the remainder of the story. i have a feeling it winds up a mixture of a brutal battle, awkward orgy, and an ancient keg-party.

but i guess we'll never know.