1:45 PM

once the phones came back to life and the douchebag who accused us of being "like ordering chinese food" realized he was wrong, things calmed down a bit. and because the day was relatively slow, i took my spare time to research whether or not the sea lion was still a mammal or if there was any legitimacy to the whole "insect" claim.

there wasn't. they're mammals.

and also MLA format still requires two spaces after a period. just most people don't care about MLA format.

i opened my mouth to tell my boss about my factual discoveries, but i could tell by his face and the phone in his hand that i should keep comedy to a minimum and ready serious-me for some action.

"kelly didn't get her order," my boss said as he hung up the phone.

"what do you mean?" i asked, "the delivery guy picked it up in the morning."

"call him," he said, "because she never got it."

a part of me wondered how important it was that she ever received her 1,500 stickers which read "CAUTION: DO NOT USE MAGNETIC NAMETAG IF YOU ARE USING A PACEMAKER", but i suppose lawsuits are abound. and a bigger part of me wondered how she never received the package.

"hi," i told the phone, "we had a delivery picked up this morning and it still hasn't arrived. i wanted to check the status on that."

"ohh," the phone said, "yeah. our guy had his bike stolen and he's been running the rest of his deliveries by bus. it's on its way, though."

"but this was a very urgent order," i explained, "i could've taken the bus there myself."

"he had his bike stolen," the phone continued, "i don't know what else to tell you except that it's on its way."

and then it hit me.

"you know what," i said, "he left his bike lock here this morning. damn. man, that just sucks."

when i got off the phone i wasn't sure who i felt worse for: my boss, our client, or the soaked hipster. i think, perhaps, the hipster-- losing his fixie probably felt like jack sparrow losing the black pearl.

"what did they say?"

"his bike was stolen. he's taking the bus."

"my god," my boss whined, "this is fucked. it's fucked."

"well," i said, "not that it's any consolation, but sea lions are still mammals-- i looked it up."

"steven," he said through his teeth, "shut up."