President Wishnack's Analog Computer

first thing's first: my right arm was nearly lopped off at work by a rather large board-cutter.

luckily i am half-japanese and move quickly.

but this is the fourth or fifth time i've nearly died or been severely injured in the recent months. it's getting a little old. and this particular near-accident reminded me of a smarter me. or a more prepared me, anyway.

a me, perhaps, who i've commonly deemed ravishingly aimless and retarded; the me that i've been trying to get away from, oddly enough.

see, before moleskines, college, and san francisco, i always carried a yellow legal pad. during those days, i drew gimptard comics and wrote mostly about why marijuana should be smoked by everyone.

back then, i was a tv-exploding pot-dealer and openly immoral with nearly everything i did-- but i was also much more productive artistically. and i knew what i knew.

and what most of you don't know is at the end of 2004 i promised to teach myself to write and draw with my left hand.

it might have been marijuana and mushrooms induced paranoia, or it might've just been gimptard-related guilt, but i had an increasing worry that i would one day lose my right arm and never be able to draw again. and that, for me, would be worse than death. especially since i would also never be able to properly masturbate again.


a few people referred to my interest in left-handed drawings as a waste of time. and i got a lot of standard, "if you spent half as much time working as you do dicking about..." judgmental rambles.

but it made me feel a step closer to being a superhero. and that will always win me over.

it's just one of those FACTS i know about myself, whether or not i like it.

so i continued.


you have no idea how serious i was about my ambidextrous training sessions. if i lost my right arm and couldn't draw, gimptard comics would've ended. gimptard was my illegitimate lovechild in those days. and, besides, losing my arm would've all been way, way too cheeky.

Indie-webcomic artist loses his arm while drawing demeaning images of handicaps.

ultimately, i ended the comic on my own. but i took those left-handed days so seriously i'd almost thought about opening a new comic drawn entirely with the left.


that was all years ago. but today, after nearly losing my right arm, i feel like the really MATURE guy in the movie who learns something from the IDIOT. i think maybe it happened in the john malkovich version of of mice an men, but i'm sure it happened in several movies either way.

and i'm sure i need to get back in touch with my left hand.

[insert second masturbation joke here.]