5 Inventions that Make me Wish We'd Go Extinct Already

there's google street-view in antartica, justin bieber playing pranks on will smith's daughter, and people living to be so fucking old they go insane before half their pharmaceutically enhanced life is over.

and yet, somehow, while we're busy keeping lazy and ridiculous some fools still have time to invent ways to get lazier and grow more ridiculous. even if these items are meant as novelty gifts, it's absolutely pathetic that they exist.

1. THE ELECTRO SMILE


even if mediocre electro-therapy sessions come in friendly blue with a fish-shaped voltage monitor, most people aren't interested in making their kids look like something out of a clockwork orange. there is an undeniable problem when asian girls need to have smiles electrically smeared across their tiny faces. if your kid doesn't want to smile, maybe it's because you suck. and if you're the type of parent who sees the electro smile as a solution, you really do suck.

i dare say the only difference between a grimace and a smile is the emotion behind it.

2. THE AB-HANCER


i have no idea if this one is real or not-- but even if this is a joke i'm still worried for humankind.

3. NAKED-NECKED CHICKENS ("CHURKEYS")


look, i will wrestle an old lady to the the ground if you tell me she has the last steak in the world. that's a fact. but i don't have to be vegan to wish "scientists" would stop mutating animals for their own entertainment. and i'm going to go right out and say it: they've managed to make this poor chicken look like it's got a very sunburned penis for a neck-- and that's just a sad fact for humans, chickens, turkeys, and all animals alike.

4. INSTANT UNDERPANTS

firstly, if you need new underpants, you probably don't need to "just add water." but moreover, if you've just pissed [or shit] your pants, pulling out a puck-sized dehydrated emergency pair of undies is likely the only thing you could do to make matters more embarrassing.

5. HEEL FINS


if this was created to make dumb bitches even likelier to slip on the edge of a swimming pool, crack open their skull, and die, this may be the best invention ever. but, with the way we're headed, some spray-tanned guido is probably going to roll up with his ab-hanced beer gut and take the heel-finned blonde home to have unprotected sex and 47 idiotic babies instead.

also, they're endorsed by jessica simpson. so you have to want them.

the whole world is in trouble.

I hope that our few remaining friends
Give up on trying to save us
I hope we come up with a failsafe plot
To piss off the dumb few that forgave us
I hope the fences we mended
Fall down beneath their own weight
And I hope we hang on past the last exit
I hope it's already too late
no children - the mountain goats