Drunken Do's and Don't's

the first person i met when i moved to san francisco was a kid named ben who resembled a skittish korean cockroach and only said, "hi" before advising me not to ever go into borders drunk.

"you'll buy all these books you don't even want."

if you're like me and have spent over $10,000 at a liquor store in a span of a two years, recycled more than 8.1 gallons worth of whiskey bottles, and drank enough to pee something more vicious than four loko itself, you've likely been to a hospital or discovered a strange form of balance.


nowadays i don't drink like i did at the start of this blog. but i always knew i could get away with writing drunk. i could draw drunk-- but i would've preferred to draw high. i never gave tours drunk-- though i could've and though they would've be amazing-- but i had certain morals that alcohol wasn't going to shake.

and it was important to know my boundaries because the amount i drank meant i had to plan my day accordingly. if if i knew i couldn't clip my fingernails drunk, they were either going to have to be done before 7pm or not at all.

my fingernails were notoriously long.

there were a lot of things like that.

and so i compiled a mental list of things that should, and should not be done drunk. this is an important list for anyone who still drinks extra-regularly, because even your most mundane activities wind up being drunken chores.

if you're going to be an alcoholic, you need to be smart.

when drunk you should never...

1. shave (anywhere, but especially your balls.)

2. disagree with your girlfriend. (especially if she's also drunk.)

3. decide whether or not now is a good time to pick off a scab.

4. schedule appointments to anything.

5. buy italian shoes, a hotel room on the 23rd floor of the westin st. francis, a $150 bottle of whiskey, tickets to a concert at the fillmore, tickets to a show at the hemlock, three steaks, a miniature barbecue, a tuxedo, or a pair of katanas things online with or without supervision.

6. shower without grip-tape and a helmet.

7. cut your own hair.

8. drink more.

9. try to adopt a kitten.

in terms of things you should do drunk?

1. write a blog.

2. comment on my blog.

3. negotiate financial deals.

4. drink more.

5. go to borders and buy everything that interests you

sorry, ben. you were just wrong. carl jung and desmond morris thank me.