Bad News for My Enemies

i think i might be an IMMORTAL.

yeah, it's kind of a big deal.

see, for the last three days, i've been taking 800 iu of chewable orange-flavored vitamin d-- opposed to ingesting via sunshine. my assistant manager made it sound almost like what captain america must've taken, and i need to be sure i don't repeat the time i slept through a college final on account of overworking my bookmark of a body.


plus, san francisco is the only part of sunny california that seems to miss out on the sun-- and i do remember having some pretty super-powered days back when i slept on a windowsill and worked outside all the time.

i bought a tiny bottle of the pills pretty much directly after getting paid. and both the bottle as well as allison read that it would boost my immune system, prevent cancer, cardiovascular disease, osteoporosis, and mortality.

let me just-- did you hear?-- it... it said it would prevent mortality.

this is way cooler than the blue pill in the matrix. i wanted a little extra health to counter-balance my bad decisions and workaholic attitude-- but never dying is pretty alright, too. this way, i can pace myself.

discovering i was no longer going to die was like the time someone left an extra quarter in the washing machine and my laundry was slightly less expensive. except this is 4000% more rad.

directly after taking my first pill, i'd even managed to fall out of the sutro cave without dying despite the posted signs that said i would "slip off the rocks and drown." those sort of inconvenient mood-killers don't happen to IMMORTALS.

but before i went to blog about my new perma-life, i decided to do some light researching. and i saw something else: a damn asterisk. a sly, mother-fucking, asterisk. yep. right there at the bottom of my bottle.

*These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.

i once wrote that the scorpion in honey, i shrunk the kids was the world's greatest cockblock in cinematic history after it interrupted a microscopic couple's first kiss-- but to be informed that i may or may not actually be immortal is much worse.

it's like i'd finally dumped Death, and now she's back and texting me and calling to see if i want to fuck in a library. and i don't. i told her i don't-- but she's crazy. she's going to show up right when i'm reading the third frame of a comic and kill me before i get to see the fourth and the punchline. and my mortality will be the punchline. and that's not even a good joke.

but if there is one thing i've learned in my life it's that you can't really trust everything you read. maybe i'm immortal and maybe i'm not. maybe vitamin d has nothing to do with any of it. Death is a filthy bitch and fuck asterisks anyway.

so i made my own list of reasons i probably am immortal.


i'm still working on it. but i have all of eternity.