Techboy's Tips for Living in SF

I've been living in San Francisco for over 12 years now and in that time I've learned a thing or two. The ones I'm not ashamed of, I'm writing about today. These are my own personal rules about navigating the chaos of the big city known as The City. Once again I've chosen to write about it here since it sort of dovetails into President's history as a tour guide, but not in a gay way.

1. Don't run to try to catch a MUNI bus. You can expect that nine out of ten bus drivers will not wait for you no matter how much you wave and yell. I've even seen people throw stuff at the bus to get their attention to no avail. Unless you are under 25 or REALLY need the exercise, save yourself the depressing realization that after all your efforts, you will have another 20 minutes minimum at the bus-stop to catch your breath.
2. Don't try to give something to every homeless person you see downtown. You will be bankrupt within a week. If you must be magnanimous, set yourself a homeless budget, like you would for coffee, or prostitutes.
3. People on bicycles will kill you. The biking community in San Francisco is a particularly zealous lot, especially the bike messengers. Assuming they will stop if you walk in front of them is dangerously optimistic. They would sooner run over you than be late for their next delivery or getting to Dolores Park. Just pretend they are like taxis in New York...with cleats on their shoes.
4. Do not drive downtown during Critical Mass. Oh, where to begin...first, I had forgotten the name of the event and Googled "biking anarchy" and got the name on the first hit. Does that give you an idea? Critical Mass is basically one day of the month where bicyclists take over the downtown streets to draw attention to the city being "bike unfriendly". Ironically, the chaos and traffic blockages that ensue pretty much guarantee everyone else will be unfriendly to bikes as well. This special day is characterized by an entire downtown of honking car horns, and nobody getting home in time for dinner or Desperate Housewives.
5. Dress in layers. The weather in SF is best described as, "defying all laws of nature". If you don't learn to dress appropriately you will be miserable and possibly die. This is a place where it can be dark and rainy at the beginning of a bus ride, and hot and sunny by the time you get off. Having a change of clothes every place you go is probably a good strategy.
6. Appear in 65% of tourists' home videos. I'm not sure this is really in the tip category but it's definitely true (as far as I'm concerned). For the first 6 months I lived here I was in a position to ride the California St. cable car to work. From my unstable perch on the very outside of the running boards, my head was captured on film enough times that I should have a star on the Walk of Fame. If you want cheap immortality, this is the way to do it.
7. Don't get in front of old Asian ladies when getting on the bus. Like bike messengers, those gals will push you to the curb to get on the bus. Let them get on first and then you look courteous. This is where they get it from...insane. I'm not moving to China any time soon, although I guess it's common in India as well. This is one cultural idiom I wish hadn't made the trip to the US. Speaking of crowded...
8. Crowded buses aren't worth it. Unless you like staring into the armpit of the guy standing next to you, and the smell of angry, sweaty commuters, wait for the next bus. Seriously, I don't get it. People will pack into stuffed buses to the point the doors won't close, forcing people who need to get out to climb over a dozen people who won't get out of the way. My rule of thumb, if I can't see light though the bus, I don't get on. I don't care if it makes me late for work. Better that I don't arrive at my destination in a bad mood. Also, my arms go numb if I have to grab those overhead bars for too long.
9. Fisherman's Wharf is for tourists. If you are a resident of SF, you should have no reason to go there unless accompanied by out-of-town friends. Ok, there are a couple decent seafood restaurants there, but seriously, it's like a shopping mall full of people who didn't pack the right clothes for SF. (see #5 again) One possible excuse would be if you are homesick and need to be surrounded by people from the Midwest.
10. If you don't see a Starbucks... or there is a long line at the one you're at, turn 180 degrees and you'll probably see another one. I'm not kidding, it's unreal! At least half the Starbucks are across the street from one another or only a block away from another one, or they are right next to a Peet's Coffee. If you can't find one, your eyes aren't open. I guess that says something about how much coffee we drink. Damn overachievers. For consistency, the chains are fine, but I'd recommend some of the smaller coffee shops. There are plenty of those too. Blue Bottle is probably the coolest. More coffee shops should look like chemistry labs.

Everyone manages to take the exact same picture of this setup.

People need to be more creative.

I'll stop at ten since that is the tradition, I'm out of time, and I might write a book about this. Actually it's more the second thing. If you have any tips, throw them into the comments.

No, I don't know when President's wifi will be fixed. I think he's dead anyway. Leave me alone!