The Night Before Internet

i found myself feeling utterly powerless because of my lack of knowledge regarding mammalian orgasms and their average rate of success.

you see, we were having a debate about which mammal we would rather blow if we had to choose one. i don't remember the context, but i don't see it making this any better. the rules went that we had to choose an animal with a large enough penis that the unmistakable feeling of sucking on the part was apparent-- no mice or small creatures.

in my mind, the answer was easy: whichever mammal would come the fastest. if that meant i had to face a gorilla-- in all of its terrifying ways-- i would. i could die, but i could die during fellatio with any animal. at the very least, i'd like to get it over with quickly.

i heard once pigs orgasm for thirty minutes straight-- though i don't know what that means about the length of time it takes them to reach their climax.

and, yes, the other rule was that we'd have to suck said penis till it... reached fruition, if you will.

so if, let's say, a gazelle takes forty-five minutes to come, i'd rather deal with a notorious premature ejaculator-- even if it means being in front of what seems to be more imminent danger. i mean forty-five minutes is a long time.

but without the internet i had no way to know what animal that might be. i just sort of froze. the only thing my mind could do is begin to imagine which animal might just be the most pleasant to offer oral sex.

and that was a very weird place to watch my mind wander toward.

i quickly changed the subject to whether or not my roommates would have sex with a shape-shifting alien so long as it had transformed into a really hot girl. and then i went to bed next to my cell phone, waiting on comcast's call.

what i didn't know-- aside from information regarding the great orgasms of the animal kingdom-- was that my phone bill was due that night and i hadn't paid it because it's all done online. on the magical internet machine that i'd grown used to not having.

comcast came and left several times before i realized my phone was not operating and therefore the doorbell was ringing nobody.

but, as you can see, we did eventually wrangle the web and get online.

and it turns out i would give a chimpanzee a blowjob. they only last ten seconds.

also, it turns out that geese are the most commonly homosexual of all birds-- silly goose makes so much more sense-- and squirrel monkeys pee in each others faces whilst boning.

thank god for the internet, because these sorts of facts need to be known.