you've helped me a lot because your beers are embarrassingly light and because i was initially turned on to the witty phrases under each of your caps. "a prost to ____!" i even remember being excited that you used the word "prost" and not "cheers".
but it wasn't long before i started finding repeated prosts. the first duplicate i ever noticed was "a prost to arrested development" and it made me remember that i don't like that show nearly as much as everyone else. it also made me remember that it was impossible to expect your prosts to be infinite.
two sad truths at once.
then i found one that read, "a prost to lemoning your widmer" which was weird because it felt as though my beer was self-aware. like the time i had a fortune cookie that told me, "cookies will go stale, but fortunes are forever."
what really did it, though, was popping off a cap and finding "a prost to six-year bachelor's degrees" for the second time in one six-pack. it was particularly upsetting to find a repeat in one case, but something about the fact the word "six" was in the prost and in a six-pack seemed to accentuate the repeat and make the whole thing so much worse.
then, when i stopped to think, i realized a lot of your prosts were repeats. on the grand scheme, you must only have about thirty actual prosts. but of the thirty, a solid 60% of them mean the same thing. "a prost to the kid inside of us" is the same as "a prost to livin' the dream" is the same as "a prost to work not being work" is the same as "a prost to never giving up on a dream" is the same as "a prost to the broken halo in all of us".
all your prosts can be summed up with "a prost to sleeping in on saturdays"-- the words change slightly, but you're only saluting the idea of giving in to our own laziness and celebrating the fact it reminds us that we're still young enough to get away with it. cargo-free ships and six-year bachelor's and all that.
that would all be fine if i didn't get the exact same prosts so frequently. i mean, if you're going to use the same general messages and simply reword them, i don't see why there is a limit to how many ways you can do it or why i receive so many dupes. it's like that show, quantum leap with scott bakula: with such a boundary-free premise, there is no reason i should ever see him play elvis more than once.
look, i could talk smack all day-- some would argue i've been talking smack on my blog for two years straight-- but i'd rather help. besides, i think you guys are quite rad.
judging by the prosts i've found, it's safe to assume you're marketing your beer at someone between the ages of 25 and 35 who probably studies liberal arts or philosophy. you're aimed at the below-par everyman: the late-bloomer with a heart of silver. the guy who considers the fifth-- not the first-- of each month the day rent is due, but does still manage to have bills paid on time enough to look respectable. sometimes he forgets mother's day, but usually he makes up for it.
he's not a particularly bad or lazy guy-- after all, your six-packs are $11 and that's a world above buying a steel reserve forty for $2 and half the alcoholic content-- but he's got a few things he could work on.
anyway, this means you must have some form of censoring or ratings system involved in your prosts to keep the audience at a respectable level, or else we'd see things like "a prost to waking up to oral sex" or "a prost to a nice long dump."
they're also uni-sex, which means i can't suggest "a prost to shaving off only part of your facial hair just to see what you would look like with a mustache."
but with all of that in mind i've compiled a quick, somewhat pg, list of fifteen prosts you are welcome to use. and please definitely do. i'm sick of being the guy who throws his widmer cap on the ground while shouting "GOD. FUCKING STUPID!" and has to explain himself.
a prost:
to the triceratops, brontosaurus, and pluto still being included.
to extended dvds.
to high-fiving strangers.
to believing you're a superhero till an unreasonable age.
to bottomless mimosas.
to wearing costumes to the office.
to intentionally making people feel awkward.
to freeze-tag in the library.
to word-of-the-day calendars.
to pretending you just never got that text message.
to successfully building anything from ikea.
to teaching your parents the internet.
to sock-puppet shows.
to being let off with a warning.
to big companies listening to little people.
free-prostingly,
president wishnack
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