Dear Everybody in Shrek

what happened?

i was over at jasmin's cafe and saw that there's another shrek movie coming out. it was a spin-off and something to do with the donkey.

how many movies is that so far? shrek, shrek 2, and then there was the year that practically everyone made a trequel and you guys were all in shrek the third. then there was shrek forever after and now you mean to tell me there are spin-offs, too?

what happened eddie murphy? what happened mike myers? even you, cameron diaz, what happened? are they seriously offering you that much money, or have you thought this into something that will potentially reach and affect the hearts of millions of children-- and therefore is worth more than all the world's money can buy?

i cry for my future children: the ones who will grow up thinking eddie murphy is just some goofy guy who does the voice of a side-character in a quadrilogy. they will only know you from movies like disney's the haunted mansion, eddie. they will never know the eddie murphy who did raw; the eddie murphy who had an entire bit on why a black man would never end up in a haunted mansion...

what happened to you?

and mike myers why did you sell your soul to all of those logos? when starbucks showed up in the the magical world of shrek i stopped to wonder if you even cared about your movies anymore. you do wonderful regional accents and i've been told that your english accent is one of the most realistic in hollywood. but why heineken, and pepsi, and meow mix?

it was funny in wayne's world when you and dana carvey blatantly advertised for companies like advil and pizza hut, only because you were both preaching about how horrible selling out is. but putting dr. evil's lair in a starbucks building is a little contrived. i get it: the joke is that starbucks is an evil company, looking to take over the world-- but the joke is made a lot less funny knowing you were paid for that placement.

now your movies are such a painfully low amount of good comedy, with such a painfully high level of product placement that i seriously wonder if you have forgot how to be funny.

cameron diaz my only complaint to you is that i wasn't older when you were in the mask. to this day, you-from-1994 is my biggest celebrity crush.

but eddie murphy and mike myers: shape it up. seriously.

worriedly,
president wishnack