intoxicated poop segment: part cii

recently, sega has installed video game urinals in various japanese metro station restrooms. and, also recently, journalists have been having a field day with the number of toilet-related puns they can squeeze into each article regarding the new urinal games.

either way, they're called toylets (ha) and they allow you to play four short games-- controlled by your urine.

The games are pretty straightforward:

• "Manneken Pis" calculates exactly how much a player peed.

• In "Graffiti Eraser," players try to urinate forcefully to blast graffiti off a wall.

• In "The North Wind and Her," gamers act as the wind, attempting to lift a woman's dress with powerful blasts.

• In "Milk From Nose," players go head to head with the previous urinal user to see who has the strongest flow. The gamers appear as sumo wrestlers who squirt milk from their noses to push their peers out of the ring.

[read more]

say what you will, but i'm not afraid to be the first to admit that i think this an absolutely amazing step in the bathroom world. this is some pioneer shit.

i don't know much about the dynamics of female urine, or the process of its exit, except that it is much more difficult for a woman to see their pee stream than it is a man. when a man pees, his penis is in plain sight-- i sometimes think the intimate relationship between man and his penis may be on part of how often and casually we can see it. when i had mono, i peed root beer brown and i saw it happening. do you know what that's like? you can't just stop peeing-- you have to continue, horrified and nauseated. but, afterward, it was one more thing me and penis had been through together.

the point being men have a different kind of kinship with their penis because they can see it without a mirror. so if any of my female readers think the idea of a pee video game sounds ridiculous, i disagree. it's actually not.

and to any of my male readers who will argue that it is ridiculous and that they would not partake in a good game of pee-powered sumo wrestling: i call your bluff. yes you would. everyone would. one of my favorite things in the world is when someone has left a few squares of toilet paper in the bowl and i get to see if i can blast through it with my pee stream.

and, despite stereotypes, we love aiming-- or else companies would've never installed urinals with cakes, or painted flies. so why not aim and compete? it's almost so primitively manly it has to succeed.

"Gamers who are proud of their performance will reportedly be able to download their high scores onto a flash drive."

the only issue i have is with the game "the north wind and her" in which a player's pee acts as the wind, with the goal of blowing a girl's skirt up. that's a little strange. mostly because it's combining sexual arousal with urine. the harder you pee the more likely you are to see some panties? oh, japan, how you embarrass me sometimes. i think if that game were on while i was trying to pee, i would just get too confused to do anything at all.

either way, i give sega my seal of approval.

oh, and i know what you're thinking: this isn't even poop-related. it's pee-related. and that's true: it's not poop-related... yet.