intoxicated poop segment: part xciii

jim and i weren't far before i had to poop.

we had certain plans for certain places, but as the walk continued, the places changed. and i really had to poop.

we wound up at quetzal cafe on something like bush and polk street and i rushed inside while jim tied up his bike. there was, of course, a sign that read "restroom for customers only" and the main barista was busy with three people. there was another worker, typing away on a computer at a separate counter-- but she had hear ipod on.

restrooms for customers only.

i had to pass by, and i figured the woman at the counter would notice me trying to sneak by if i didn't say something.

"i am going to buy something," i said to the woman at the long desk, "i just need to use the bathroom first. is that okay? i promise i'll come and get something."

"well," she said, "i don't work here. so i don't know."

dammit. that's... awkward.

we both laughed for the same and yet completely opposite reasons. and then i rushed away to the toilet. i don't think i've ever felt more strange in a bathroom-related situation. but the woman i approached-- the cafe-goer who was just trying to type on her laptop and listen to her ipod-- probably felt a lot more strange.

unfortunately, at quetzal there are two or three handicap-accessible switchback ramps that take you to the bathroom in the most inefficient way possible. it means running back and forth a few times just to get to the bathroom door.

and then, at the top, the bathroom door reads "please ask barista to buzz you in"
come on.

so, after finally reaching the top of the ramp, i had to take the stupid switchbacks right back to the front of the store, passing the-girl-who-does-not-work-there, and being giggled at. and having to poop.

i did make it to the toilet in the end. but the journey was something of an embarrassing and frustrating experience.

and right after it was all done, i ran into karisma, who introduced me by name and the subtitle "but he stopped writing on his blog."

i would have been offended if it wasn't followed up by, "i haven't been writing either, so..."

in related news: thank you, garrett, for sharing the following craigslist missed connection with me.

Me: Taking a huge poop in the l5p pizza bathroom.

You: Drunk, beautiful, Discovered that I forgot to lock the door in my haste.

Look, I know it must have been awkward for you to see me in that state, and especially since it didnt seem to bother me that you walked in. We made eye contact for a brief moment, you have the most beautiful brown eyes (no pun intended). I said "hey beautiful lady" right as you slammed the door, and i meant it. Everyone poops, and now that you have seen me pooping, I feel like we have already moved our relationship to a higher level. If you read this, and feel the same way, respond... I hope the smell didnt offend you, I ate indian food for lunch...

that reminds me of chuck palhiniuk's choke. "accidentally" leaving doors unlocked.