a kitchen spaghetti western a lot of people would probably take one look at our kitchen and go straight for the knife-block, but i don't think i could bring myself to actually stab someone. it is, arguably, more ruthless to grate someone's face-- but something tells me i could do that a lot sooner than shank someone.
besides, knife-blocks have a majorly overlooked downside: without knowing the block intimately, it is very difficult to predetermine which knife you'll be pulling at short notice. in a fit of panic, your hands may find the ginsu-- and that would be great-- but they may also find the paring knife. and then what?
the cheese-grater is a weapon that your opponent will gladly snicker before, but once their mind calms enough to realize what the weapon is meant to do, they'll grow a new panic. it's the kind of weapon that only a psycho would choose.
it'd be like being bitch-slapped into skin-spaghetti. i think i could do that.
but that's only if the question where what i would grab in a kitchen fight. it's a question you should all already be able to answer so that you won't have to ask yourself while the kitchen fight is already in progress.
if, however, the question where what i would grab in a kitchen fight with a zombie, i would change my answer.
again, fuck the knives-- but this time, fuck the cheese grater as well. everyone knows zombies need a clean shot to the head or to be somehow decapitated.
in the case of the undead, i would go for my collection of empty jameson bottles.
some would argue that our bar stool would be a great weapon as it is somewhat wieldy, but solid enough to crush the rotting skull of any living dead quickly. another major benefit of that stool is that it's placed between the exit from the kitchen and entrance to my bedroom-- more weapons can be found in there if necessary.
the reason i would steer away from the bar stool, though, is i don't imagine there ever to be an instance in which i'm fighting just one zombie. if i know zombies, which i think i just might, they come in great crowds. one at first and then chaos from there. after a short while, i don't think i could keep swinging the damn stool.
besides, san francisco is not known for having large kitchens that would accommodate the swinging for a three foot stool.
the whiskey bottles are somewhat endless in supply, and easy to swing.
i think i could take out a good selection of zombies before needing a new tactic.
really, though, the more i think about it the more i realize i could not beat a fleet of zombies alone-- no matter what weapon i had. i don't own a shotgun and i plan to get my full deposit back from this apartment when i move, so i couldn't use it even if i did. also, i'm a cigarette-smoker, so i'd probably get tired before they did.
the actual question becomes who i would like to join me in a kitchen battle against zombies.
and you know, i've thought about it over and over. the fictional rose mcgowan with her shotgun leg? robocop? bruce willis from die hard?
no. none of them.
i'd grab jackie chan.
all i'd have to do is convince him that the zombies have his sister and he has to save her in order to defend his deceased father's honor. that seems to work every time.
it would be a hilarious fight and to be honest, i wouldn't even care if i died in the process. if i'm going to be mauled by zombies, it would be nice to at least see jackie chan doing back-flips and using my freezer door as a weapon, while carrying two frying pans and kicking around a swiffer while i died.
to me, that would make everything a little more okay.
will someone please make a jackie chan zombie flick?
this time he's a janitor at a high school and who would've expected zombies‽i know it's hokey, but it can't be a whole lot worse than the tuxedo, or the spy next door.
p.s. don't try to draw jackie chan while drunk or it will look like an asian mike myers. kbye.
p.s. don't try to draw jackie chan while drunk or it will look like an asian mike myers. kbye.
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