From an Imaginary Douchebag

i haven't been eating or sleeping very regularly because i'll get into a dragon-drawing funk and can't stop myself until i'm sure i've completed the task. a lot of the time, i'll finish one task and receive a new one and dinner or bed will be pushed back further.

contractually, this is the most dragon i can publish without forfeiting my paycheck.

yesterday, i took myself a short nap and met a familiar douchebag in the land of nod. i don't remember how we met or how i knew him-- but i definitely knew him from somewhere and he seemed to know me.

"don't you hate it when you get a call from an unknown number after a night of partying," he started, "and you're looking at your phone wondering who the bitch is and then you answer it and it's your mom?"

he seemed like he wasn't aware i was there, even though he was talking directly to me. i had never experienced what he spoke of-- mostly because my mom's phone number would not show up as unknown, i have her number in my phone like any good son. why am i dreaming about this jerk?

maybe he was my dream's version of the damn dragon. i've been living and breathing this dragon and he is somewhat of a jerk. he's been known to advise people to try mixing nyquil and coca-cola for a "white trash speed-ball."

"and you're like, 'mom? shoot. i thought you were some chick i gave my number to last night.'" he continued, "and then your mom is like, 'i am. you were pounding robitussin in the bathroom by yourself and when i came in you gave me your phone number and told me to call you if i was-- quote-- down to robo-trip on deez nuts."

i think i said something back, but i don't remember what it was and it probably didn't make much of a difference. i was something of an observer rather than a character in the dream. but i have no idea why.

"so then you call up your fuck buddies," he went on, "and all of them are married. like some of them have kids, too."

he looked at me.

"don't you hate that?"

and then i woke up. and for no reason at all, i had an extremely solid erection.

part of me was really disturbed by the fact i had a boner after such an off-kilter dream and wondered if it was just a nap-version of morning wood, while the other half of me wished it would hurry up and go away so i could take a piss.

that was one of the most confusing and unpleasant experiences i've had in a while.

it may have been my body trying to tell me to eat more, sleep more, and drink less. to take a dragon break altogether. it's that or i've got some serious problems.