Dear Alcatraz Pizza

according to yelp, you have some delicious pizza. delicious pizza is a weird thing. i've lived my entire life understanding that pizza was not meant to be delicious just partly edible, delivered quickly, and relatively cheap. naturally, when i hear rumors of delicious pizza i try my best to find it, eat it, and be delighted.

it's sort of a game i play.

anyway, our front porch must have been graced by one of your employees at one point or another because we've been given a folded menu with a variety of prices and the word "pepperoni" spelled incorrectly.

and while yelp declares your pizza delicious, i won't be buying any.

it's not just because i can't take you seriously after seeing the word spelled "pepperony", or the fact you literally copied and pasted the first two paragraphs of alcatraz island's wikipedia page onto the back of your menu. those issues are something else entirely.

it's because you left a total of fourteen menus on our front porch. fourteen. one was rubber-banded to the door handle and the remaining thirteen were just sort of hanging out in the corner by the entrance.

i don't like it when people rubber-band menus to our door because there have been times the menu winds up closed in the door, preventing the door from locking. and then we end up with homeless people and their dogs living in our basement where i sometimes do my laundry. true story.

but i can't complain: a lot of restaurants hang menus on our door and i understand it's a relatively normal thing to do.

however, fourteen menus is a bit overdone. there are only eight units filled in this apartment and there is a pretty distinct line between advertising and just littering.

if you would like, i can collect all of the menus and return them to your north beach establishment so you won't have to print new ones and waste more paper. i have immediate access to the fourteen you left (no one wants them) as well as nearby piles of twenty or so at our neighboring stoops.

let me know what you think.

i can even spell-check the menus for you so you won't look so stupid at the next apartment you hit.

seriously. there are no such words as "pepperony", "brocoli", "mozzarela", "mozzarrela", or "meetballs."

helpfully,
president wishnack

p.s. i ordered from pizza pino today. their pizza isn't delicious. but it's fast, cheap, mostly edible, and they have never come to my apartment to unload a collection of litter.