A Bit of News, a Bit of Pee, and a Whole Lot of Alcohol

generally, if i receive an email from techboy, i should expect it to have some relevance to penises, bowel movements, whiskey, or-- occasionally-- a saucy photo of himself wearing a banana boat.

the latest email was a brilliant hybrid of urine and whiskey, explaining that james gilpin has recently started creating whiskey using elderly people pee. you know, sort of like that very expensive coffee that comes from civet poop-- except 5x grosser.

Sugar heavy urine excreted by diabetic patients is now being utilized for the fermentation of high-end single malt whisky for export. The Whisky market is growing faster then any other alcoholic beverage worldwide. With a prevalent genetic weakness being exposed in the northern hemisphere leading to a sharp rise in type two diabetes, economists have found a new exportable commodity to exploit and are keen to capitalize on this resource quickly.

[read more]

i was, also, dared to purchase this "sugar heavy urine" whiskey and-- of course-- drink it. and i hope i'm not the only one who is quite convinced techboy is trying to kill me every chance he gets.

"hey there's whiskey made from pee-- dare you to drink it!"

"i bet you can't eat 45 packets of ketchup, 23 packets of salt, 4 packets of soy sauce, and a five-hour energy drink at once!"

"look at this photo of me wearing a banana boat!"

you know, the usual.

and i would have no qualms with drinking this new whiskey-- or whizkey as some puntards are calling it-- except i don't see much winning in a "dare" that involves me spending money and getting drunk off a bourbon rather than the usual irish. now, if he were to present me with the bottle-- already purchased-- and dare me to drink it, i would.

so hows about i dare you to buy me the whiskey, techboy?

oh, and before i forget: here's the latest ridiculous findings of an equally ridiculous study: heavy drinkers outlive non-drinkers.

wow.

even as a full-time alcoholic: i don't buy that. i mean, i buy the data-- i don't buy the venn diagram style of thinking. it's like when they said "the majority of pot-smoking students drop out of college." so what? the majority of college drop-outs also watch family guy. is family guy causing drop-outs, or is it likely that the study is connecting two irrelevant pieces of information and desperately trying to make sense of it?

i don't like the fact they're almost trying to convince us to drink with hopes that it will increase our life expectancy.

of course heavy drinkers outlive non-drinkers! but that doesn't automatically mean there is a correlation between drinking and length of life. perhaps heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers because the study includes babies who die of infant death syndrome well before they have the chance to grow into alcoholics. and it includes mentally challenged people who don't drink a day of their life and still die before their twenties because of faulty genes. and what percentage of teenagers are committing suicide before ever drinking?

it's sort of like if i die of heart disease, i will be grouped in the category of "cigarette smokers" and it will be written further that smoking causes heart disease. but the fact my genes come from a dad who died of heart disease (without smoking) will be neglected from the data.

ridiculous.

but you know, whatever. they're scientists. they can remove pluto and deny the triceratops at the wave of one very scientific hand. so they're probably right. i'm going to just magically out-live all of you non-drinkers because time magazine said so.

i suppose, then, i might as well try that pee-whiskey.