intoxicated poop segment: part lxxii

it's always been my loose anthropological theory that we all fart upon entering the bed because the neanderthals who didn't were killed by predators and never had a chance to breed and contribute to today's society.

there are people who will argue they do not fart in bed. but for the sake of this conversation remaining a serious conversation, i am going to strike their opinions from the entire event. they're liars and really should consider growing up.

everyone farts in bed.

now that we've gotten that away, allow me to continue.

before fire was a major cavehold product, it was farts that would've kept us alive. sleepy, stinky farts.

they provided minimal (but immediate) warmth in your surrounding area and also expelled a viscious scent that would steer other creatures (even other humans) away. a wolf would sneak up in the middle of the night and be like, "naw, fuck that. it smells like sulfur and frustration."

meanwhile, early humans without bedtime farts were eaten in their sleep. if they had babies, they were eaten, too.

from there, only the farty cavemen would've survived to mate and all offspring birthed would've been ones with the farty gene-- thus causing that tradition of nightly stank to continue to this day.

it makes sense, just accept it.

unless you don't believe in evolution. in which case: fine. but if you want to go down that road, at least agree with me that God created our habit to fart in bed every night just like He created light and everything else.