Spaghetti-O's to P.P.O.'s

two years ago if you had stolen my wallet i would've been more upset about the wallet than its contents because the most formal piece of identification i owned was a burger king kids club card and i never had very much cash.

and because i always had really rad wallets.

the only reason i ever ended up with a check card was to settle a bet that i could get it without an identification card. either way, i got this stupid piece of plastic three years ago and i will say it's come in handy now that i don't work for cash tips and my paychecks are direct deposit.

"it's seen its day," i told the starbucks lady, "i need to get a new one."

"do you have any other cards?" she asked, realizing the swipe hadn't processed.

"no," i said, "sorry."

"do you have cash?" she asked, swiping it again.

"well, no," i said, "or else i wouldn't be using this card."

the day that starbucks couldn't successfully take money from me was the day i realized i needed a new card. i like to imagine they have some of the newest, most high-tech money-stealing machines that exist in america today.

but not even starbucks could make use of the dollars hidden behind my scratchy magnetic strip.

there were other signs, too. signs that i need a credit card and not just a check card. renting an apartment is nearly impossible without any form of credit history.

having a credit card is like being the guy who needs to have his weed fronted to him. the dealer will look at you and say, "well, you've bought a lot from me and i'm pretty sure you'll pay me back: here's a gram." and, naturally, if you don't pay him the $15 you owe within a reasonable amount of time, he's probably not going to front to you again and he's also probably going to sell you his shittier weed while pretending it's the good stuff.

the bank will let you say you have money that you don't have and you'd better have it by the end of the month or else you'll owe them even more money than you said you had. not only that, but they'll remember that you had issues paying them what you said you would.

something about that concept always scared me. i don't believe in using money i don't have and i certainly don't believe in doing it when interest is involved.

but, in a fit of irony, doing this is the only way the adult world will ever trust that i can afford to pay for large investments. having the money is not enough-- i have to also have a bank saying, "yo, i fronted that fool hella shit and he got me back, he's chill as fuck, man."

in so many words.

so i turned to facebook for credit card advice. and at first, i received a cornucopia of useless remarks explaining the best methods to cut my credit card into tiny pieces. i expected as much. most people were given credit cards when they were young and ridiculous-- i can't expect them to have much love for the card with that sort of experience.

but as time passed, some of my more successful friends and family members were able to explain the desire for a low apr and the way the card can work as a debit card (with benefits) so long as you don't get sloppy.

i would say during my late teens i had an understanding of money that was similar to a fetus' understanding of blackjack and i was most definitely financially unsmooth. but i've since become balanced and in control of my spending and earnings.

moreover, there is something i realized as of very recently and it may just change my entire life.

if i get the right credit card, i'll have a concierge service and my concierge will likely be one of my co-workers.

"if i were to obtain the concierge service," i asked my supervisor, "could i-- in theory-- call here and have j. do all of my assignments?"

"no," she said quickly, "because we'd notice your productivity level would've dropped significantly and you'd be fired."

"right," i nodded, "but what if i were to have him do all of the research and price quotes and all of the dirty work and email it to me. that way i'd still be the one completing the request and my numbers wouldn't drop."

"that's not what the concierge service is for."

"i thought that was exactly what the service was for," i stated, "we tell every client that we are here to do their research, their planning, their dirty work... and if i was a client, i don't see why i should get any thing less."

"well," she said, "you could technically do that, but would that be very nice?"

"but," i said, "what you're saying is i could do it."

"it wouldn't be very nice."

"yes, it'd be a real jerk move. but i could do it."

"you could do it."

"thank you."

i am, in no uncertain terms, applying for a credit card as soon as i have a day off.