intoxicated poop segment: part lxxiii

this one is actually not about poop.

well, it is.

i was at jasmin's cafe-- a place so familiar and so frequented by my hungry self they call me by name and ask questions about my job-- when i ran into two girls who described themselves as "tourist idiots" because they kept their money in a fanny pack.

at least they were aware.

while waiting for my bacon cheeseburger, i asked the two where they were from and found their where to be denmark.

when i was a tour guide, i had become what i believed to be the master of knowing one fact about every place in the world. it was a sort of tip-producing magic trick. if you said you were from minneapolis, i would have told you that you were the most bike-friendly city in the united states.

and you would've tipped me because i knew something about your home and that gave you reason to trust me.

my denmark schpeil had always been, "california and denmark are the only two places in the world where land touching [salt] water is public property-- in florida you can buy the beach."

but recently, i had read that denmark uses the least toilet paper in the world. this was meant as a good thing.

i sort of eyed the two danish girls and thought about which fact i should go with while the three of us waited for our lunch.

"did you know," i said hesitantly, "...california and denmark are the only two places in the world where land touching water is public property."

"except lakes-- you can buy land touching fresh water."

"this is true."

i feel oddly proud that i just managed to not talk about the toilet.