Trimming the Bacon

earlier this week, i mentioned that i had achieved greatness; i had climbed the most everesty mountain known to humankind; i won a life-oscar-- i connected myself to kevin bacon in six degrees.

it's kind of a big deal.

needless to say this was something that infested my mind like a good whiskey does blood, and i told everyone i knew. i interrupted roommates, called ex-girlfriends and the whole gamut.

but i'd only been in my office a matter of minutes before my pride was shattered by one mr. j who claimed to have a kevin bacon degree of just four:

"my brother boned elizabeth shue's little sister and elizabeth shue was in hollowman."

motherfucker.

and then when i went to check my blog, techboy was bragging about surfing with molly norton who is edward norton's sister who was in fight club with brad pitt who was in some stupid movie with kevin bacon and joe was claiming to have brained kevin bacon (which, in a strange way, i don't doubt.)

can't i just be proud of something, let to win and continue with my life?

so i researched.

back in 2003, i met a comedian named ken jeong (or dr. ken) who was touring with other korean and part-korean comedians. he gave me great advice about how to get into standup comedy (stop being a pussy and try) and we spoke about smegma off the records.

the guy in the center is steve byrnes. he's bi-racial and full asshole. i hope he never succeeds.

anyway, dr. ken was in step brothers with john c. reilly who was in the river wild with kevin bacon.

boom. three degrees.

i bragged to mr. j on my break and he paused for a moment before opening google.

"ah," he said, "no. i beat you again. stephen king was my teacher-- my house is even the one used in pet sematary-- and kevin bacon just signed to do a stephen king movie. two degrees."

well, what the fuck‽

i immediately sent out an email to my colleague/former limo-driving friend demanding to know if one of the many famous people he drove was kevin bacon.

and i waited two days before he returned from his weekend to tell me he had not.

he was my only hope.

but i refuse to be beaten in this game.

look, one of you must know kevin bacon on a firsthand basis and if so i'd like to have a coffee with you. i'd like to high-five you. if not, one of you must be able to point me in the right direction. either way, i'm reaching out to the four of you that actually read this on a regular basis: please help me and my bacon score.

the better my score is, the better every one of my friend's scores are. let's all get together on this because otherwise we all lose. right now, all i've got is inventing time travel, seducing kevin bacon's mom and giving birth to him. i think that'd be like a bacon score of -1.

but everyone knows i'm not charming enough to woo mama bacon.

so help me out. all i need is to be is within two degrees of kevin bacon and i'll have beat every one who is not famous or working for famous people automatically.

also, you are all welcome to give my number to mr. bacon at any time.

my goal is to show up to work with kevin bacon and a huge middle finger aimed at my new enemy, mr. j.

that jerk ruined my dreams.