The Factiest Fact Ever

it's always been my theory that people who don't drink alcohol on a basis so regular that it might even be considered an "addiction" or a "problem" are either physiologically handicapped or just unintelligent.

i can understand [and pity] those who simply cannot handle their alcohol. i wouldn't drink nearly as much if it meant my nights ended in vomit and my mornings began with a hangover and an ugly friend laying naked in my bed.

but for those who can handle their drank-- meaning they not only don't vomit, but also maintain a steady job, friendships and social standing-- the only reason i can find for them to go without drinking bottomless bottles of whiskey is that they are very, very dumb.

surely, this has been some what of a controversial topic amongst friends who drink less. and contradictorily, they are generally drunk while they're arguing that i'm wrong.

but let it be set in stone that the friendly graph just below this paragraph states, clearly, that those who drink more have a greater vocabulary than those who don't.

uh huh. and if you think this is some kind of biased test-- you probably just don't drink enough to have a brain that can handle smart-people things like bar graphs. this study was not only unbiased, but the only study out of all alcohol-related studies that had such a clear pattern.

and you can read a whole lot more about the entire thing here.

this just makes me want to give myself and my alcoholic friends a high five. what you may not realize is that we don't just pound fat tires and guzzle whiskey while talking about raping and pillaging or swapping jail stories-- we research, we exercise our minds, we debate.

sometimes we even check out apartments.

maybe we lushes have a better vocabulary because scrabble and scattegories are far less fun to play sober. one time, we even made our own scattergories game and played it over beers. when have any of you sober folk made a word game to play?

not to mention crosswords only frustrate people of sobriety. being drunk and being stumped on 28 across makes me violently upset and i will not rest until i know the answer.

shoot, i send angry emails to the hyatt regency in san francisco because i'm drunk and i've realized they misspelled the word "historic" on their hotel website.

do you know what i did when i got my first computer? i drunkenly subscribed to dictionary.com's word of the day. in fact i wrote them a letter of complaint on new year's eve because their word that day didn't even impress me.

say what you will, but what i'm saying is: one point for me. in your fucking face! (that's the front part of your head, in case you don't drink.)