As of today my work in progress is no longer a novella, but a novel! To quote a great philosopher from BASEketball, "I'm doing the happy dance, doing the happy dance, doing the happy dance..."
*Ahem*
OK, so the first draft should be completed sometime around the end of November. By that time it will probably be 20,000-30,000 words thicker, with the first fleet of revisions to begin in the new year.
My greatest faults thus far have been:
1. Where I started the story: I included--unnecessarily--a prologue. This will be scrapped. The story will begin where the story begins. It seems sort of obvious now, but I was completely oblivious of my boneheaded mistake when I started writing.
2. Too many adjectives and adverbs: This seems like a common curse among writers of all stripes. I'm polishing the ax and getting ready to hack away at the deadweight.
3. Searching for a thousand alternatives for the word "said": Seriously, there's nothing wrong with said.
Right now I'm most proud of:
1. The characters: I have two or three in particular that really resonate with me. They have a strong voice, great personality, obvious limitations and aspirations and react naturally with anyone they share the scene with. Two others I still believe in, and feel will come out in a better light after my revisions are done.
2. The writing style: Had I attempted to write this even a few years ago I would have quit. Getting a few years older has helped me strip away some of that foolish pretension and stubbornness in my writing. Now when I say "less is more", I actually mean it; unlike half a decade ago when I used to quote the wisdom of Homer Simpson, "Yeah, but if less is more, just think how much more more is!"
3. I'm actually doing it!: There are words on the screen. Lots of them! And they're mine! I wrote them! Exclamation mark!
OK, I can't be totally selfish here...how is everyone doing? What is the status of your WIP right now?
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Sooner or Later
generally, if i write something to the effect of "i haven't written about carmen the cat in a while..." you can assume that the paragraphs to follow will come with a reason for the return-- and, also generally, the reason for the return is not good.
let me explain to you the life-cycle of a flea.
yep.
there has always been the mistaken idea that when we see chimps picking bugs out of each others backs, those bugs are fleas. they aren't-- they may be lice, or chimp-crabs for all i know, but they are not fleas.
the reason chimps and humans won't get fleas is the same reason dogs will sometimes eat their puppy's poop.
let me explain to you the life-cycle of a flea.
while the hop-scotching insect has four phases in its life (egg, larva, pupa, and imago or adult) the majority of its life is not spent as an adult. actually, about 50% of the flea population is in egg-form according to the latest american flea census bureau, while only 5% are in adult-form.
somewhere between egg and adult, the flea hides. it's incapable of handling sunlight and it needs constant warmth and nutrition to aide its flea-puberty before it can ever think about jumping around biting people and generally being a jerk. this can take anywhere from two to eight weeks depending on the environment.
back to chimps and puppy poop.
the reason for the two is that till the flea is done growing up, it nests in hosts' poop. a chimp poops from trees and commonly does not stay in one area-- or in other words: chimps don't shit where they sleep, hence they do not get fleas. puppies, often times, do. and when an older dog sees a puppy shitting it its bed, it will eat the poop to not only prevent the growth of fleas but to teach the pup the consequences of pooping in your sleeping quarters are so horrible that eating poop is actually better than letting the mistake go. plus, there are some pretty rad nutrients in dog poop.
flea.
now, i haven't written about carmen the cat in a while.
but perhaps this one should not be about her. all she's done is pooped. hell, i'm guilty of that as well. i read somewhere that everybody poops. i suppose the major difference is that i poop in a toilet and flush it away before any sort of parasite, insect, or virus has a chance to go through puberty within the confines of my turd. carmen the cat, on the other hand, poops into a small indoor sandbox that is regularly cleaned by her owner, simon.
except, unfortunately for the most of us, "regularly" turns out to be quite the relative term.
"regularly" for most cat-owners may mean weekly, bi-weekly, and even daily depending on the pooping schedule of each cat and the obsessive compulsiveness of each owner.
in this case, "regularly" means about as often as rent is paid. it means so infrequently that there is commonly more poop in the box than sand and carmen the cat is forced to deal with the fact she can no longer bury her turds like her cat-instinct asks. she can only bury new poop with old poop and-- as much as i hate her-- i feel bad.
techboy has literally text-messaged me to ask if the litter box has been cleaned before deciding whether or not he wants to come over. it's that bad.
so, fleas.
we got them.
that means, on average, simon empties the litter box two to eight weeks depending on the environment.
in hindsight, one of us should've just cleaned the box for him-- but none of us asked for the responsibilities of a cat. personally, i don't enjoy carmen. i don't like her greasy hair all over my fresh laundry and i don't like finding my pizza torn to pieces and left on the ground. it's for those reasons that i refused to clean her poop.
again, looking back, it was an immature choice of mine and i really wish i had just owned up and cleaned her litter box instead of trying to make a point.
when the fleas were discovered, i as resident bug-and-poop-knowledge-extraordinaire, quickly informed simon that there is no way for adult fleas to infest an animal's coat and our apartment before first infesting poop for weeks. i even offered to prove it with my various poop and anthropology books-- but, luckily, he took the hint and immediately emptied the litter box.
...only to fill a plastic bag with the cat turd and litter-lumps and put the bag in the kitchen, next to the sink.
no!
there is no point in emptying the damn thing if you're going to take the mess and put it in the kitchen. the kitchen! probably the worst room to have moved the load.
i am literally more dumbfounded than mad-- simon is by all means a great guy, or else i wouldn't live with him. as a pastry chef it is not uncommon for him to come home with delicious complimentary desserts and we can always enjoy a good dvd with each other. but, i cannot understand the logic-- if it exists-- behind any of this. we have fucking fleas in our apartment and the response is "guess i'd better take carmen's poop and leave it where we eat instead of the bathroom."
i am itchy and dumbfounded.
let me explain to you the life-cycle of a flea.
yep.
there has always been the mistaken idea that when we see chimps picking bugs out of each others backs, those bugs are fleas. they aren't-- they may be lice, or chimp-crabs for all i know, but they are not fleas.
the reason chimps and humans won't get fleas is the same reason dogs will sometimes eat their puppy's poop.
let me explain to you the life-cycle of a flea.
while the hop-scotching insect has four phases in its life (egg, larva, pupa, and imago or adult) the majority of its life is not spent as an adult. actually, about 50% of the flea population is in egg-form according to the latest american flea census bureau, while only 5% are in adult-form.
somewhere between egg and adult, the flea hides. it's incapable of handling sunlight and it needs constant warmth and nutrition to aide its flea-puberty before it can ever think about jumping around biting people and generally being a jerk. this can take anywhere from two to eight weeks depending on the environment.
back to chimps and puppy poop.
the reason for the two is that till the flea is done growing up, it nests in hosts' poop. a chimp poops from trees and commonly does not stay in one area-- or in other words: chimps don't shit where they sleep, hence they do not get fleas. puppies, often times, do. and when an older dog sees a puppy shitting it its bed, it will eat the poop to not only prevent the growth of fleas but to teach the pup the consequences of pooping in your sleeping quarters are so horrible that eating poop is actually better than letting the mistake go. plus, there are some pretty rad nutrients in dog poop.
flea.now, i haven't written about carmen the cat in a while.
but perhaps this one should not be about her. all she's done is pooped. hell, i'm guilty of that as well. i read somewhere that everybody poops. i suppose the major difference is that i poop in a toilet and flush it away before any sort of parasite, insect, or virus has a chance to go through puberty within the confines of my turd. carmen the cat, on the other hand, poops into a small indoor sandbox that is regularly cleaned by her owner, simon.
except, unfortunately for the most of us, "regularly" turns out to be quite the relative term.
"regularly" for most cat-owners may mean weekly, bi-weekly, and even daily depending on the pooping schedule of each cat and the obsessive compulsiveness of each owner.
in this case, "regularly" means about as often as rent is paid. it means so infrequently that there is commonly more poop in the box than sand and carmen the cat is forced to deal with the fact she can no longer bury her turds like her cat-instinct asks. she can only bury new poop with old poop and-- as much as i hate her-- i feel bad.
techboy has literally text-messaged me to ask if the litter box has been cleaned before deciding whether or not he wants to come over. it's that bad.
so, fleas.
we got them.
that means, on average, simon empties the litter box two to eight weeks depending on the environment.
in hindsight, one of us should've just cleaned the box for him-- but none of us asked for the responsibilities of a cat. personally, i don't enjoy carmen. i don't like her greasy hair all over my fresh laundry and i don't like finding my pizza torn to pieces and left on the ground. it's for those reasons that i refused to clean her poop.
again, looking back, it was an immature choice of mine and i really wish i had just owned up and cleaned her litter box instead of trying to make a point.
when the fleas were discovered, i as resident bug-and-poop-knowledge-extraordinaire, quickly informed simon that there is no way for adult fleas to infest an animal's coat and our apartment before first infesting poop for weeks. i even offered to prove it with my various poop and anthropology books-- but, luckily, he took the hint and immediately emptied the litter box.
...only to fill a plastic bag with the cat turd and litter-lumps and put the bag in the kitchen, next to the sink.
no!
there is no point in emptying the damn thing if you're going to take the mess and put it in the kitchen. the kitchen! probably the worst room to have moved the load.
i am literally more dumbfounded than mad-- simon is by all means a great guy, or else i wouldn't live with him. as a pastry chef it is not uncommon for him to come home with delicious complimentary desserts and we can always enjoy a good dvd with each other. but, i cannot understand the logic-- if it exists-- behind any of this. we have fucking fleas in our apartment and the response is "guess i'd better take carmen's poop and leave it where we eat instead of the bathroom."
i am itchy and dumbfounded.
AN EARTHLIKE PLANET HAS BEEN FOUND!
Look, we've already discovered almost half a thousand exoplanets, but so far all of them have been--without a doubt--uninhabitable. Now everything has changed.
With Earthlike planets in our own backyard, probability dictates that there are countless others to be discovered, as science and technology improves our ability to locate them.
With Earthlike planets in our own backyard, probability dictates that there are countless others to be discovered, as science and technology improves our ability to locate them.
10 Movies I Can't Believe You Haven't Seen
i hadn't seen inglorious basterds and got a strange series of shocked looks from friends who expected i-- as a sometimes amateur filmmaker-- must automatically love everything tarantino. i downloaded it recently and made it through about half the movie before turning it off to go to sleep despite the promises of "it's going to get crazy soon."
i'll watch it later.
this always happens. it used to be the matrix, then it was avatar. these movies that are relatively new are meant to be seen within the immediate year of their release unless you're a social outcast.
yet my roommate, who was shocked i hadn't seen inglorious basterds, has still never seen a single terminator movie. to me, that's quite a bit stranger than having missed a current hit.
so i've compiled a short list of films i can't believe you haven't seen.
this is not a list of movies for film students. you will not find fellini's 8 1/2, or the great train robbery on this list because it is not meant for those studying film. and this isn't a list of recent box office hits that have not yet stood the test of time. this is a list of movies for humans. it's possible you won't have seen every one of the ten movies i'm about to list, but hopefully you've seen the majority.
if you've missed the most of the list, i recommend you step away from this blog, away from your computer-- or heck, stay at your computer and download the films-- but do whatever you must do to see them immediately.
and please don't talk to me until you have because it really offends me to hear robocop described as "a governor who went crazy and became a bad guy." ahem.
for those of you who can read the following list and honestly say you haven't seen any of the films, it may just be too late for you. whether you know it or not, you are somewhat socially damaged and it's likely too late for a recovery. but just get it out of the way and please do see the films so at least you've tried to fix the situation.
so, here we go.
the following ten movies fall into a sort of action/adventure/sci-fi/fantasy genre because it's one we can all agree on. i could make a great list of comedies but it would be too easy for someone to say, "i didn't see dumb and dumber because i don't like that style of comedy" and the same goes for romance-- and drama's been done to the ground.
these ten are in no particular order.
1. Jurassic Park
2. Terminator
3. Robocop
4. Back to the Future
5. Indiana Jones
6. Tremors
7. Batman
8. A Clockwork Orange
9. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
10. Honey, I Shrunk the Kids
there just isn't an excuse. my family grew up held from watching movies. my dad's friend, "dave from new york" would take us out for one movie a year and that was all till sometime in my late high school career. the movies i've listed do not require you to be a film-fanatic or anything special at all. in fact, if you haven't seen some of those flicks, i would have to ask if you went out of your way to avoid seeing them.
look, i'll make it simple: in the case of trilogies, you can realistically shave off the last one without issues-- especially in the case of back to the future, robocop, and indiana jones. or in the case of terminator, just two of the four is fine. and as for tremors, one is fine.
but go see these movies immediately. when i'm having a conversation with a friend or a stranger, i expect that they've seen these movies and i will more than likely reference at least one in 90% of my conversation. without seeing those movies i realistically do not feel like i can communicate with you.
i'll watch it later.
this always happens. it used to be the matrix, then it was avatar. these movies that are relatively new are meant to be seen within the immediate year of their release unless you're a social outcast.
yet my roommate, who was shocked i hadn't seen inglorious basterds, has still never seen a single terminator movie. to me, that's quite a bit stranger than having missed a current hit.
so i've compiled a short list of films i can't believe you haven't seen.
this is not a list of movies for film students. you will not find fellini's 8 1/2, or the great train robbery on this list because it is not meant for those studying film. and this isn't a list of recent box office hits that have not yet stood the test of time. this is a list of movies for humans. it's possible you won't have seen every one of the ten movies i'm about to list, but hopefully you've seen the majority.
if you've missed the most of the list, i recommend you step away from this blog, away from your computer-- or heck, stay at your computer and download the films-- but do whatever you must do to see them immediately.
and please don't talk to me until you have because it really offends me to hear robocop described as "a governor who went crazy and became a bad guy." ahem.
for those of you who can read the following list and honestly say you haven't seen any of the films, it may just be too late for you. whether you know it or not, you are somewhat socially damaged and it's likely too late for a recovery. but just get it out of the way and please do see the films so at least you've tried to fix the situation.
so, here we go.
the following ten movies fall into a sort of action/adventure/sci-fi/fantasy genre because it's one we can all agree on. i could make a great list of comedies but it would be too easy for someone to say, "i didn't see dumb and dumber because i don't like that style of comedy" and the same goes for romance-- and drama's been done to the ground.
these ten are in no particular order.
1. Jurassic Park
2. Terminator
3. Robocop
4. Back to the Future
5. Indiana Jones
6. Tremors
7. Batman
8. A Clockwork Orange
9. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
10. Honey, I Shrunk the Kids
there just isn't an excuse. my family grew up held from watching movies. my dad's friend, "dave from new york" would take us out for one movie a year and that was all till sometime in my late high school career. the movies i've listed do not require you to be a film-fanatic or anything special at all. in fact, if you haven't seen some of those flicks, i would have to ask if you went out of your way to avoid seeing them.
look, i'll make it simple: in the case of trilogies, you can realistically shave off the last one without issues-- especially in the case of back to the future, robocop, and indiana jones. or in the case of terminator, just two of the four is fine. and as for tremors, one is fine.
but go see these movies immediately. when i'm having a conversation with a friend or a stranger, i expect that they've seen these movies and i will more than likely reference at least one in 90% of my conversation. without seeing those movies i realistically do not feel like i can communicate with you.
You Must Read this Article
A non-blogging friend of mine just emailed me something that I think we all should read. And please...
Let this article be a giant flaming reminder for you to write the best damn novel that you possibly can.
The days of a debut author being nurtured by the publisher until they find their own voice is long dead. Have your crap together, or make way for someone who does.
(Sorry to share something so dreary my friends. I think I'm overdue for a lolcats post.)
What are your thoughts?
Let this article be a giant flaming reminder for you to write the best damn novel that you possibly can.
The days of a debut author being nurtured by the publisher until they find their own voice is long dead. Have your crap together, or make way for someone who does.
(Sorry to share something so dreary my friends. I think I'm overdue for a lolcats post.)
What are your thoughts?
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
SnapDragon: Part II
i was working at a medium pace, knowing full-well that i would finish my twenty drawings before the week's end. my style of work has always been that if something is due on wednesday, i'll have it done by tuesday but you won't really have any reason to believe it'll be finished till it is.needless to say, david was getting a bit nervous about that.
he told me our app was accepted by the techcrunch convention as one of the fifteen start-ups that would launch before the most important of the tech community and, reinstated how big a deal that was. he's a very kind man and i think that was his way of asking me to hurry up or in some way insure him the illustrations would be done as promised.
TechCrunch Disrupt is a three-day, single-track conference and startup competition to immerse you in the debate about what’s changing in technology right now, what’s causing it and what we need to do about it to survive and thrive in real time.so, to show i was a part of the team and was invested in the product as much as they were, i brought myself and the wacom tablet to the dogpatch labs (self described as "a fraternity for geeks") and saddled up to draw on-site.
when i was younger, i told a girlfriend i had gone down on other girls despite the fact i had never done it and had no idea where to start. the feeling that stirred in my stomach the day i was expected to actually go down on her was similar to the feeling that came about the day i had to draw digitally in front of the snapdragon team.
till that time, i'd been tracing my manual drawings in private. i didn't feel confident that i could draw straight to the computer and certainly not in front of those who were paying.
but i had no choice.
i dilly-dallied all i could and then i gave up and just drew.
and i annihilated-- drawing and coloring sixteen drawings in ten hours without any breaks short of one lunch and three smokes.
for the first time in my life, i felt like i'd actually put myself to work. ten hours of drawing is much more labor-intensive than you'd imagine-- and it felt great. i'd finished more than 3/4 of what was expected to take a week in just one day. it was like hanukkah-- but backwards and more fun.
the following day, feeling confident with my new digital skills, i came in for thirteen hours and finished everything two days before the deadline. "the first time in history someone in the creative field has finished earlier than deadline."
"i'll be honest," i said, "i had never done it before-- but i wanted the gig, so i lied."
"my first job here in the u.s," he said, "asked if i knew how to use microsoft access and i said i could. no problem. no idea what it was. but hey, i got the job and got my visa and now i live here. i'm not judging."
"well," i said, "thank you for being understanding. and thank you for forcing me to learn how to use illustrator and the tablet. i would've given up several times over if you weren't paying me."
and who says money will ruin creativity?
i spent the next day drawing the dragon as various famous people. just for fun. ace vendragon, snapbraham lincoln, hunter s. dragon, etc.
also, this was my first attempt at "shading" the dragon.
dead or alive, you're coming with me.one of the programmers saw me doing this and added a few of my "for fun" doodles to the website before describing my robo-dragon as "by far the most legit dragon you've drawn. it's like a professional illustrator's work." i was a bit surprised by the comment-- it was meant kindly, but felt back-handed and so i replied, "well, i'm being paid so i'd better start looking professional sooner or later."
and that was when i realized i was going to need to raise the stakes and start shading all of my drawings. i needed everyone to see my cartoons as professional or else we would all lose.
david asked me to draw michael arrington (the leader of the techcrunch convention) and i did my best to do so without insulting the man.
from there, it's been a waiting game. the app was launched on monday and received mixed reviews at the convention. though, the only legitimate concern i heard from the judges was a matter of distribution: the fear that snapdragon could not convince consumers to use the app even if it did save them money and present them with bay area comedy and cartoons.i'm not sure that's something a graph can promise or disprove, but it's a valid point.
that aside, there is something amazing about seeing my cartoon so large and on such an important screen with a panel and a man in a suit and microphone. ironically, this cartoon dragon makes me feel all grown up.so please go like it on facebook, vote for it on the techcrunch site, and perhaps check out the beta on itunes. all of those things will aide me in continuing as a paid illustrator.
also, in response to my random "snapdragon as ace ventura and others" doodles, i've been given a pretty lengthy list of famous characters they'd like to see him drawn as-- people like lady gaga, homer simpson, and more. feel free to comment with some suggestions and i'll draw them as well. but only if you can prove you've liked, or voted for it first.
WHISKEY TIME.
SnapDragon: Part I
aside from the time i drew spiderman in exchange for an x-men comic, i have never had a paid illustration gig previous to my current dragon-drawing escapades and i thought you may be interested in hearing what all went down over the past few weeks. actually, you'd really better be interested because i'm taking time away from my very busy life of eating burritos and doing whatever i want to write this for you.
from the start, this job has been an intensely hectic, yet amazingly great, new experience. it's a bit like releasing diarrhea on a moving train-- if you've done it, you know exactly what i mean and if not, one day you will. and it will be intensely hectic, yet amazingly great.
i've actually split this post into two parts because it was just way too fucking long as one. i went to proofread it (sometimes i actually do), and couldn't bring myself to read the entire thing-- which is sad considering i wrote it-- but maybe splitting it will help. it'll be like a peter jackson film.
anyway, the very first dragon was drawn on a post-it note and with a very vague guideline involving words like "snarky" and phrases like "not cute, but likeable." also, judging by the facial expression (and the pizza box beneath the post-it), i may have been a bit drunk while drawing.
tada!
to be honest, i sort of winged it. at the time, i had no reason to believe i was going to get the gig and figured it'd be best to just draw something real quick-- straight from my mind-- without a lot of extra thought.
the cigarette was meant as a visual pun. the smokey breath of a dragon.
so, i got hired, and we had a sort of "i like this part, but don't like this part" chat in hopes to nail the exact dragon the team wanted. and the cigarette was removed quickly. fair is fair.
overall, my dragon needed to be a bit more sophisticated and a little less belligerent. david, my new boss, flipped through my moleskine and pointed out a drawing of a glutinous spider sipping merlot in an armchair and told me it had the right "james bond villain feel" that he was looking for.
also, my dragon was lightly referred to as looking like he's "just come off a three-day bender."
i guess that can happen when the illustrator is in the middle of a five-year bender.
so, i went home and drew a more sophisticated dragon, which i thoroughly disliked.
luckily, they disliked it equally and we started over. the addition of the wings was good-- he was now a dragon and not a dinosaur or an odd combination of a cow and a lizard-- the horns were still ridiculous and the dragon as a whole was "too human."
it was something about his face-shape.
after a day and a stack of post-its, we came across the final dragon.
around then, i had a slight worry that my shanty charade was about to be called out. i mean, i should've never gotten the job-- i'd never used adobe illustrator and had no fucking clue how vector drawings worked. i'd told them i knew all about those things when i sent the first dragon rendition, but that was back when i wasn't sure i'd even land the gig. it's sort of like how you act like you have open availability when you're at an interview, even though you know damn well you're going to ask for weekends off as soon as you get hired.
i lied to them to get the job. so what? so i was the kid who could mix brass monkeys and told someone at a hotel that i had bartending experience-- it'd never caused any problems previously.
except, you know, i had five days till my ten completely digital drawings needed to be turned in.
and i knew it was only a matter of time before they sat back and said, "so you've been emailing us pictures of doodles on post-it notes... and those pictures were clearly taken with your camera phone. wtf is going on?"
but instead, something oddly magical happened.
instead of firing me or calling my ridiculous bluff, david drove to my house, carrying a wacom tablet like a glorious digital pizza and told me it was a present to help me vector. it was like he was paying me to learn how to do what i had pretended to already know.
i think around then, i changed my facebook status to "president wishnack is doing it poor man style!" and some peopled liked it without having a clue as to what they were liking specifically. but, they were liking the fact i got hired with a post-it doodle and somehow wound up with a $200 digital tablet in the process.
i totally listened to the jefferson's theme song while installing the new device.
but drawing on the thing was a whole new medium-- in fact, you all saw my very first digital drawing-- and adobe illustrator's lack of intuitive design made things a sweaty fight. it reminded me of the time i had tried to teach myself how to draw with my left hand-- just retarded beyond belief, like i'd been stripped of a super power.
but what i do know about myself is that when money is on the line i can learn at an amazing speed. i mean, i didn't even own a camera when i started as a camera salesman and grew to become the #1 seller (though mr. addison will debate that he was the #1, to which i will kindly remind him my wingmanning his extended service plans was a huge part of his success.)
the point is, this being my first paid illustration gigcaused forced me to learn illustrator and the wacom within a day.
of course, back then, i was still drawing on my post-its. i would complete the sketch manually, take a picture of it with my nikon, alter the contrast on photoshop, and then trace it on illustrator. it was like letting meat rot so that i could attract flies in hopes to attract a spider which i could sell for enough money to buy more meat to rot: just backwards and time-wastingly circular. but, that was the horribly inconvenient extent of my abilities.
and it worked which is all that matters. president wishnack is doing it poor man's style.
then came the coloring process, which you've all likely heard me whine about. we started with six potential colors and one very sarcastic dragon.
and then we moved onto the more specific coloring process.
i was extra frustrated at that time because i was given two weeks to draw ten different versions of the dragon and we hadn't locked down a color. i think i had about six or seven drawn out in black and white and a few in temporary color. the main problem was that illustrator does not allow you to color the same way photoshop does-- while photoshop makes great use of its paint bucket, click and done, illustrator can only color closed objects and most of the time that required me to trace my initial brush lines with an invisible pencil line before then coloring. it was, essentially, like drawing the same thing twice.
if photoshop was my ever-giving, expense-free prostitute, illustrator was my high-maintenance girlfriend who would ruin my night if i took too long responding to her texts.
though, illustrator and i have grown a lot since we first met and we are working things out a lot better than before. and ultimately, prostitutes aren't for me anyway.
in the end, the team landed on a pepto-bismol pink with a yellow belly. i spent sleepless nights trying to color the damn guy and as i did, i accidentally learned a few tricks-- though none were very helpful at the time.
then, about two days after the color had been locked down, i got word that the team had argued for a few days over the color of his belly before deciding it ought to just be colorless.
oh, and to everyone who promised i would hear the phrase: it happened. "it'll really make the image pop!"
nowadays, changing the color of a character is a two second operation for me. but when i was just starting on illustrator, asking me to change the color was like asking me to start over.
so, two days before my deadline, i went mildly hermit, started over, and finished the ten dragons.
what i didn't know was that the team was growing to love him more and more and while i was drawing his face, the stand-up comedians were writing his lines and he was evolving into something pretty extraordinary.
that's when they asked me to be a salaried employee and hit me with the next assignment:
five four-framed comics featuring the dragon in six days. twenty drawings in six days.
it was double the amount of work with less than half the amount of time. and that is when i stopped updating this blog.
part ii's coming soon enough. in the meantime, you can like snapdragon here and vote for it here. eh? eh?
from the start, this job has been an intensely hectic, yet amazingly great, new experience. it's a bit like releasing diarrhea on a moving train-- if you've done it, you know exactly what i mean and if not, one day you will. and it will be intensely hectic, yet amazingly great.
i've actually split this post into two parts because it was just way too fucking long as one. i went to proofread it (sometimes i actually do), and couldn't bring myself to read the entire thing-- which is sad considering i wrote it-- but maybe splitting it will help. it'll be like a peter jackson film.
anyway, the very first dragon was drawn on a post-it note and with a very vague guideline involving words like "snarky" and phrases like "not cute, but likeable." also, judging by the facial expression (and the pizza box beneath the post-it), i may have been a bit drunk while drawing.
tada!to be honest, i sort of winged it. at the time, i had no reason to believe i was going to get the gig and figured it'd be best to just draw something real quick-- straight from my mind-- without a lot of extra thought.
the cigarette was meant as a visual pun. the smokey breath of a dragon.
so, i got hired, and we had a sort of "i like this part, but don't like this part" chat in hopes to nail the exact dragon the team wanted. and the cigarette was removed quickly. fair is fair.
overall, my dragon needed to be a bit more sophisticated and a little less belligerent. david, my new boss, flipped through my moleskine and pointed out a drawing of a glutinous spider sipping merlot in an armchair and told me it had the right "james bond villain feel" that he was looking for.
also, my dragon was lightly referred to as looking like he's "just come off a three-day bender."
i guess that can happen when the illustrator is in the middle of a five-year bender.
so, i went home and drew a more sophisticated dragon, which i thoroughly disliked.
luckily, they disliked it equally and we started over. the addition of the wings was good-- he was now a dragon and not a dinosaur or an odd combination of a cow and a lizard-- the horns were still ridiculous and the dragon as a whole was "too human."
it was something about his face-shape.
after a day and a stack of post-its, we came across the final dragon.
around then, i had a slight worry that my shanty charade was about to be called out. i mean, i should've never gotten the job-- i'd never used adobe illustrator and had no fucking clue how vector drawings worked. i'd told them i knew all about those things when i sent the first dragon rendition, but that was back when i wasn't sure i'd even land the gig. it's sort of like how you act like you have open availability when you're at an interview, even though you know damn well you're going to ask for weekends off as soon as you get hired.
i lied to them to get the job. so what? so i was the kid who could mix brass monkeys and told someone at a hotel that i had bartending experience-- it'd never caused any problems previously.
except, you know, i had five days till my ten completely digital drawings needed to be turned in.
and i knew it was only a matter of time before they sat back and said, "so you've been emailing us pictures of doodles on post-it notes... and those pictures were clearly taken with your camera phone. wtf is going on?"
but instead, something oddly magical happened.
instead of firing me or calling my ridiculous bluff, david drove to my house, carrying a wacom tablet like a glorious digital pizza and told me it was a present to help me vector. it was like he was paying me to learn how to do what i had pretended to already know.
i think around then, i changed my facebook status to "president wishnack is doing it poor man style!" and some peopled liked it without having a clue as to what they were liking specifically. but, they were liking the fact i got hired with a post-it doodle and somehow wound up with a $200 digital tablet in the process.
i totally listened to the jefferson's theme song while installing the new device.
but drawing on the thing was a whole new medium-- in fact, you all saw my very first digital drawing-- and adobe illustrator's lack of intuitive design made things a sweaty fight. it reminded me of the time i had tried to teach myself how to draw with my left hand-- just retarded beyond belief, like i'd been stripped of a super power.
but what i do know about myself is that when money is on the line i can learn at an amazing speed. i mean, i didn't even own a camera when i started as a camera salesman and grew to become the #1 seller (though mr. addison will debate that he was the #1, to which i will kindly remind him my wingmanning his extended service plans was a huge part of his success.)
the point is, this being my first paid illustration gig
of course, back then, i was still drawing on my post-its. i would complete the sketch manually, take a picture of it with my nikon, alter the contrast on photoshop, and then trace it on illustrator. it was like letting meat rot so that i could attract flies in hopes to attract a spider which i could sell for enough money to buy more meat to rot: just backwards and time-wastingly circular. but, that was the horribly inconvenient extent of my abilities.
and it worked which is all that matters. president wishnack is doing it poor man's style.
then came the coloring process, which you've all likely heard me whine about. we started with six potential colors and one very sarcastic dragon.
and then we moved onto the more specific coloring process.
i was extra frustrated at that time because i was given two weeks to draw ten different versions of the dragon and we hadn't locked down a color. i think i had about six or seven drawn out in black and white and a few in temporary color. the main problem was that illustrator does not allow you to color the same way photoshop does-- while photoshop makes great use of its paint bucket, click and done, illustrator can only color closed objects and most of the time that required me to trace my initial brush lines with an invisible pencil line before then coloring. it was, essentially, like drawing the same thing twice.
if photoshop was my ever-giving, expense-free prostitute, illustrator was my high-maintenance girlfriend who would ruin my night if i took too long responding to her texts.
though, illustrator and i have grown a lot since we first met and we are working things out a lot better than before. and ultimately, prostitutes aren't for me anyway.
in the end, the team landed on a pepto-bismol pink with a yellow belly. i spent sleepless nights trying to color the damn guy and as i did, i accidentally learned a few tricks-- though none were very helpful at the time.then, about two days after the color had been locked down, i got word that the team had argued for a few days over the color of his belly before deciding it ought to just be colorless.
oh, and to everyone who promised i would hear the phrase: it happened. "it'll really make the image pop!"
nowadays, changing the color of a character is a two second operation for me. but when i was just starting on illustrator, asking me to change the color was like asking me to start over.
so, two days before my deadline, i went mildly hermit, started over, and finished the ten dragons.
what i didn't know was that the team was growing to love him more and more and while i was drawing his face, the stand-up comedians were writing his lines and he was evolving into something pretty extraordinary.that's when they asked me to be a salaried employee and hit me with the next assignment:
five four-framed comics featuring the dragon in six days. twenty drawings in six days.
it was double the amount of work with less than half the amount of time. and that is when i stopped updating this blog.
part ii's coming soon enough. in the meantime, you can like snapdragon here and vote for it here. eh? eh?
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
9 Must-Follow Manuscript Rules
Courtesy of editor Anica Mrose Rissi, as hosted on Writers Digest.
1. Revise, revise, revise! I don’t want to read your first draft, ever. (Tip: Your novel isn’t ready to send to me until you can describe it in one sentence.)
2. Start with conflict and tension to raise questions, arouse curiosity and (like musical dissonance) create the need for resolution.
3. Start with the story you’re telling, not with the backstory. Throw the reader directly into a conflict and let her get to know your characters through their actions. (Yes, this is another way of saying, “Show, don’t tell.”)
4. Give the reader something to wonder about and a sense of where the story is going—of what’s at stake.
5. Avoid explaining too much too soon. And, don’t be obvious. Trust your readers. Trust your characters. Trust your writing. If you find that chunks of your story need to include long explanations, go back in and write those chunks better, until the story explains itself.
6. Make sure your story has both a plot arc and an emotional arc. Cross internal conflict with external conflict. Give your characters moral dilemmas, and force them to deal with the consequences of their choices.
7. Read your dialogue out loud. When revising, ask yourself, “What is the point of this dialogue?” (Just as you should be asking, “What is the point of this sentence? What is the point of this scene?”)
8. Use adjectives, adverbs and dialogue tags only sparingly. (See “trust your readers,” above.)
9. Make sure your details matter.
1. Revise, revise, revise! I don’t want to read your first draft, ever. (Tip: Your novel isn’t ready to send to me until you can describe it in one sentence.)
2. Start with conflict and tension to raise questions, arouse curiosity and (like musical dissonance) create the need for resolution.
3. Start with the story you’re telling, not with the backstory. Throw the reader directly into a conflict and let her get to know your characters through their actions. (Yes, this is another way of saying, “Show, don’t tell.”)
4. Give the reader something to wonder about and a sense of where the story is going—of what’s at stake.
5. Avoid explaining too much too soon. And, don’t be obvious. Trust your readers. Trust your characters. Trust your writing. If you find that chunks of your story need to include long explanations, go back in and write those chunks better, until the story explains itself.
6. Make sure your story has both a plot arc and an emotional arc. Cross internal conflict with external conflict. Give your characters moral dilemmas, and force them to deal with the consequences of their choices.
7. Read your dialogue out loud. When revising, ask yourself, “What is the point of this dialogue?” (Just as you should be asking, “What is the point of this sentence? What is the point of this scene?”)
8. Use adjectives, adverbs and dialogue tags only sparingly. (See “trust your readers,” above.)
9. Make sure your details matter.
Good Times
i was trolling buzzfeed and came across their ten best disney channel theme songs. the whole thing thoroughly offended me. the famous jett jackson? lizzie maguire? i've never even seen any of those shows. what happened to the good ol' days of the disney channel?
and then i stumbled across their updated nine best disney channel theme songs. shows ranging from from the 80's to 90's. masterpieces like darkwing duck and talespin! the real deal.
you could argue that my age is my bias and that it's only a matter of time before someone older than me will come up and say, "hey, this isn't the real best..." but the disney channel started in 1983-- a year before i was born, and therefore, when disney channel themes are debated i have the most legit-- and elitist-- choice that can exist.
also, for anyone else who might say, "disney channel aside, there were great shows with greater theme songs than this!" i ask you kindly to start your own blog while realizing quietly that this one is mostly frequented by people who grew up watching gargoyles and gummi bears. you're the weird one, not us.
and for that reason, i would like to present buzzfeed's top nine actual best theme songs-- which i fully support.
1. Darkwing Duck (1991-1992)
it was like time-traveling.
i totally watched all of those shows. except numbers 5, 8, and 9. but come on.
let's. get. dangerous.
and then i stumbled across their updated nine best disney channel theme songs. shows ranging from from the 80's to 90's. masterpieces like darkwing duck and talespin! the real deal.
you could argue that my age is my bias and that it's only a matter of time before someone older than me will come up and say, "hey, this isn't the real best..." but the disney channel started in 1983-- a year before i was born, and therefore, when disney channel themes are debated i have the most legit-- and elitist-- choice that can exist.
also, for anyone else who might say, "disney channel aside, there were great shows with greater theme songs than this!" i ask you kindly to start your own blog while realizing quietly that this one is mostly frequented by people who grew up watching gargoyles and gummi bears. you're the weird one, not us.
and for that reason, i would like to present buzzfeed's top nine actual best theme songs-- which i fully support.
1. Darkwing Duck (1991-1992)
2. Tale Spin (1994-1998)
3. Chip N Dale's Rescue Rangers (1989-1990)
4. Gargolyes (1998-1999)
5. New Mickey Mouse Club (1989-1999)
6. Gummi Bears (1985-1991)
7. Duck Tales (1987-1990)
8. Kids, Incorporated (1986-1994)
9. Under the Umbrella Tree (1990-1996)
it was like time-traveling.
i totally watched all of those shows. except numbers 5, 8, and 9. but come on.
let's. get. dangerous.
A Past Debate
if the question where what i would grab in a kitchen fight, i would almost immediately snatch the cheese grater. i don't think most people would. our cheese grater has a nice handle, is light-weight, and would do a sort of maniacal amount of damage to whichever villain.
a kitchen spaghetti western
a lot of people would probably take one look at our kitchen and go straight for the knife-block, but i don't think i could bring myself to actually stab someone. it is, arguably, more ruthless to grate someone's face-- but something tells me i could do that a lot sooner than shank someone.
besides, knife-blocks have a majorly overlooked downside: without knowing the block intimately, it is very difficult to predetermine which knife you'll be pulling at short notice. in a fit of panic, your hands may find the ginsu-- and that would be great-- but they may also find the paring knife. and then what?
the cheese-grater is a weapon that your opponent will gladly snicker before, but once their mind calms enough to realize what the weapon is meant to do, they'll grow a new panic. it's the kind of weapon that only a psycho would choose.
it'd be like being bitch-slapped into skin-spaghetti. i think i could do that.
but that's only if the question where what i would grab in a kitchen fight. it's a question you should all already be able to answer so that you won't have to ask yourself while the kitchen fight is already in progress.
if, however, the question where what i would grab in a kitchen fight with a zombie, i would change my answer.
again, fuck the knives-- but this time, fuck the cheese grater as well. everyone knows zombies need a clean shot to the head or to be somehow decapitated.
in the case of the undead, i would go for my collection of empty jameson bottles.
some would argue that our bar stool would be a great weapon as it is somewhat wieldy, but solid enough to crush the rotting skull of any living dead quickly. another major benefit of that stool is that it's placed between the exit from the kitchen and entrance to my bedroom-- more weapons can be found in there if necessary.
the reason i would steer away from the bar stool, though, is i don't imagine there ever to be an instance in which i'm fighting just one zombie. if i know zombies, which i think i just might, they come in great crowds. one at first and then chaos from there. after a short while, i don't think i could keep swinging the damn stool.
besides, san francisco is not known for having large kitchens that would accommodate the swinging for a three foot stool.
the whiskey bottles are somewhat endless in supply, and easy to swing.
i think i could take out a good selection of zombies before needing a new tactic.
really, though, the more i think about it the more i realize i could not beat a fleet of zombies alone-- no matter what weapon i had. i don't own a shotgun and i plan to get my full deposit back from this apartment when i move, so i couldn't use it even if i did. also, i'm a cigarette-smoker, so i'd probably get tired before they did.
the actual question becomes who i would like to join me in a kitchen battle against zombies.
and you know, i've thought about it over and over. the fictional rose mcgowan with her shotgun leg? robocop? bruce willis from die hard?
no. none of them.
i'd grab jackie chan.
all i'd have to do is convince him that the zombies have his sister and he has to save her in order to defend his deceased father's honor. that seems to work every time.
it would be a hilarious fight and to be honest, i wouldn't even care if i died in the process. if i'm going to be mauled by zombies, it would be nice to at least see jackie chan doing back-flips and using my freezer door as a weapon, while carrying two frying pans and kicking around a swiffer while i died.
to me, that would make everything a little more okay.
will someone please make a jackie chan zombie flick?
this time he's a janitor at a high school and who would've expected zombies‽
a kitchen spaghetti western a lot of people would probably take one look at our kitchen and go straight for the knife-block, but i don't think i could bring myself to actually stab someone. it is, arguably, more ruthless to grate someone's face-- but something tells me i could do that a lot sooner than shank someone.
besides, knife-blocks have a majorly overlooked downside: without knowing the block intimately, it is very difficult to predetermine which knife you'll be pulling at short notice. in a fit of panic, your hands may find the ginsu-- and that would be great-- but they may also find the paring knife. and then what?
the cheese-grater is a weapon that your opponent will gladly snicker before, but once their mind calms enough to realize what the weapon is meant to do, they'll grow a new panic. it's the kind of weapon that only a psycho would choose.
it'd be like being bitch-slapped into skin-spaghetti. i think i could do that.
but that's only if the question where what i would grab in a kitchen fight. it's a question you should all already be able to answer so that you won't have to ask yourself while the kitchen fight is already in progress.
if, however, the question where what i would grab in a kitchen fight with a zombie, i would change my answer.
again, fuck the knives-- but this time, fuck the cheese grater as well. everyone knows zombies need a clean shot to the head or to be somehow decapitated.
in the case of the undead, i would go for my collection of empty jameson bottles.
some would argue that our bar stool would be a great weapon as it is somewhat wieldy, but solid enough to crush the rotting skull of any living dead quickly. another major benefit of that stool is that it's placed between the exit from the kitchen and entrance to my bedroom-- more weapons can be found in there if necessary.
the reason i would steer away from the bar stool, though, is i don't imagine there ever to be an instance in which i'm fighting just one zombie. if i know zombies, which i think i just might, they come in great crowds. one at first and then chaos from there. after a short while, i don't think i could keep swinging the damn stool.
besides, san francisco is not known for having large kitchens that would accommodate the swinging for a three foot stool.
the whiskey bottles are somewhat endless in supply, and easy to swing.
i think i could take out a good selection of zombies before needing a new tactic.
really, though, the more i think about it the more i realize i could not beat a fleet of zombies alone-- no matter what weapon i had. i don't own a shotgun and i plan to get my full deposit back from this apartment when i move, so i couldn't use it even if i did. also, i'm a cigarette-smoker, so i'd probably get tired before they did.
the actual question becomes who i would like to join me in a kitchen battle against zombies.
and you know, i've thought about it over and over. the fictional rose mcgowan with her shotgun leg? robocop? bruce willis from die hard?
no. none of them.
i'd grab jackie chan.
all i'd have to do is convince him that the zombies have his sister and he has to save her in order to defend his deceased father's honor. that seems to work every time.
it would be a hilarious fight and to be honest, i wouldn't even care if i died in the process. if i'm going to be mauled by zombies, it would be nice to at least see jackie chan doing back-flips and using my freezer door as a weapon, while carrying two frying pans and kicking around a swiffer while i died.
to me, that would make everything a little more okay.
will someone please make a jackie chan zombie flick?
this time he's a janitor at a high school and who would've expected zombies‽i know it's hokey, but it can't be a whole lot worse than the tuxedo, or the spy next door.
p.s. don't try to draw jackie chan while drunk or it will look like an asian mike myers. kbye.
p.s. don't try to draw jackie chan while drunk or it will look like an asian mike myers. kbye.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Oh Well
in other news, a neo-nazi couple discovered they are jewish. it's almost like that dave chapelle sketch with the blind kkk leader.
a sex worker on life after craigslist.
a panhandling robot.
and too bad there isn't more poisonous gas floating around.
oh well.
The Great Garage Sale
friday afternoon, i caltrained to san jose with my usual sierra nevada and two packs of honey-roasted peanuts. i think i only drink beer on the train because i can-- it reminds me i'm an adult in a way a newspaper can't.
the plan of attack was a balanced concoction of garage sale-shopping with my mom and sister, and drunken golfing with my friends-- an odd mix of events, like a pizza on a bagel, but my favorite style nonetheless. pleasant chaos.
i did, of course, make two fairly small-- but very relevant-- mistakes that friday.
1. i forgot that 80 degrees in san francisco means nearly 100 in san jose.
2. those two packs of honey-roasted peanuts were all i ate outside of five baby carrots.
saturday morning, i woke up to my alarm and a pile of cold vomit on the hardwood floor. whiskey on an empty stomach is something not even i can handle. but, i'll tip my hat to my intoxicated-self: he managed to set an alarm for 9am and sobered up enough to wake up to it as well!
the night before, we went to golfland, though i don't think most people actually golfed. a homeless man told us that the word "golf" was originally an acronym for "gentlemen only. women forbidden." and we all swilled our drinks. the snack-shack cashier was very bothered by my honesty when i told him "don't fill the soda all the way, i'm just using it to hide my liquor and i don't want you to waste soda on me." but he was kind enough to ask if i'd just prefer ice (for free) instead.
i captured a praying mantis with my hands for the first time ever and learned they don't enjoy that very much, so i sort of threw it and we both proceeded to get into a very kung-fu-esque defense position before leaving for a nearby dive bar. i mean, the mantis didn't go to the bar (to my knowledge.) but you get the idea.
1:25am, leaving the bar.
1:30am, drunk-dialing.
2am, PLOW, vomit!
so, 9am. and it's already about 90 degrees: the great garage sale.
every year, there is this city-wide garage sale when all the neighbors put their personal lives out on big blue tarps and sit in lawn chairs nonchalantly pricing and selling their "#1 Dad" mugs and unusual collections. it's like finding a suburb made of goodwill stores that also sell lemonade.
but, this year, the great garage sale was not actually so great. my mom blamed the economy and i blamed the sun, but altogether the event seemed contrived. at times, we'd find garage sales so small it was unclear whether or not they were actually garage sales or just a family moving in a new kitchen table.
my mom wanted some patio furniture and children's books for her students, i'm not sure what me or my sister were looking for but sometimes it's just about looking.
no one really had anything too great, though i did buy a mac tonight riding a motorcycle and a novel titled sir farstalot hunts the booger, because... seriously.
but my mom's quest for patio furniture was outside the league of these garage sales.
and the sellers were getting antsy as well-- after watching countless visitors mumble an insincere "how are you?" while quietly judging their belongings, only to leave without purchase. my sister bought a puffalump doll from one lady-- that made the two of them both very happy.
but the characters were great! it was so wonderfully voyeuristic i almost felt like i should be paying to experience so many garage sale people in one day. it was like scratchers in that way: it's not so much about winning money as much as it is the anticipation of the possibility while you scratch. you're paying for the experience.
the sea-life lady! oh, how boisterous. everything about her was the water. all of her items were spread out across beach blankets and she had cardboard cut-out waves that could be attached to your wall if you wished to give your bedroom a more... underwater feel. there was a wooden dock post with a stuffed seagull perched proudly atop, and several stuffed sea creature dolls.
we were looking at a fish puppet, when she started pitching to us.
"i've got a shark one, too," she boasted.
"oh yeah," i said, "a little one right there."
"yep," she said, "and i've got a big one there, too. that big stuffed shark is a puppet! and i've got a shark hat!"
"oh, you do," i said, while suddenly noticing the baseball cap.
it was one of those hats that, when worn, should make others exclaim, "why, it looks as though a shark has swam right through your head! it's coming out of both sides!" and chuckle an particularly annoying chuckle.
"i've also got shark teeth," she continued, "shark blankets and shark pillows! i've even got a toy shark with real shark teeth-- but you can't have that! it's mine! and it's in my truck!"
"haha well," i smiled, "you've got to keep something, i guess."
"i've got dolphin items, too!"
as we left, we passed several posters of the little mermaid and i peered into the window of her truck. it was there. she wasn't lying.
a fluffy shark doll, with real shark teeth. just hanging out, catching some sun on her dashboard.
we must've hit over thirty different garage sales and after realizing i wasn't actually going to find too much, i spent each visit enjoying the ability to see knick-knacks and their owners. it's one thing to see underwear hanging in chinatown, but it's a whole other game seeing the owner of the underwear, too. it's sometimes very awkward.
there was one guy with an elaborate marble collection for sale not in a jar, but on a foam display tray, guarded by plexi-glass. beside the marbles, there were rows and rows of decorative swords that couldn't reasonably do any actual damage beyond embarrass the owner. he even had a battle-axe with blades shaped like two dragons.
i watched one seller try to explain what an xbox is to a middle-aged asian woman who could not figure out why a rock band drum-set couldn't play music without being plugged in.
and another debating with an indian duo that her portugeuse learning book was written for english-speakers and that it was not an english learning book for portuguese people or else the first page would not say "an introduction" in english. they weren't having it and i enjoyed watching the old lady grow more and more frustrated with them.
at one particular house, everything was outdoorsy: snowboards, skis, wake-boards, surfboards, climbing ropes, tents, and all. it was like walking into lombardi sports. in fact, the only non-outdoorsy item i found was the entire collection of the simpson's seasons on dvd. even though it's not particularly odd for someone to thoroughly enjoy wild-life and extreme sports, but also enjoy the simpson's, i couldn't help but wonder who the seller was. but before i could think for too long, i heard a familiar voice.
"well, well, well," he said, "if it isn't mr. wishnack."
"ha," i said, immediately recognizing my former manual laborist co-worker at the old pet shop, "johannes. how is it?"
that was a nice surprise. and, come to think of it, if i were to break johannes down to just two hobbies i would probably have said "the outdoors and the simpson's" well before the garage sale meeting.
after about 2 or 3pm, everyone seemed to be closing up but my mom insisted on going to a few more before grabbing some food. it's times like that when i wonder how my stomach manages to ingest so much whiskey, vomit, then take caffeine and no actual food for six hours without complaints.
at the last garage sale, the crowds were mostly gone. it was just the three of us wishnacks, an indian man, and the owner of the house. i don't think i was even looking for treasure at that point, but some people were.
"do you own this house?" the indian man asked suddenly.
i looked around. there was my little sister, my mom, and a fifty-something man built like a logger. and none of them were anywhere near me. this man was asking me.
"no," i said before turning back to whatever i was looking at.
"do you know who does?" he asked.
"no, i don't," i said, "i just got here."
"do you know who i should talk to if i want to buy something?" he continued.
"sir," i said, "i know as much as you do," officially ending the conversation.
the logger jumped in-- though i'm pretty sure he heard and enjoyed the entire thing and could've stopped it at any point.
"are you looking to buy something? that'd be me."
"oh!" the indian man said, "how much for this umbrella? there's no price-tag."
"it's not for sale. it's for shade."
i can't get that moment out of my head. why would he assume i owned the house? of everyone there, i was at least the second-most unlikely to own a house. i'm a twenty-five year-old long-haired child and i was carrying sir fartsalot hunts the booger, and a mcdonald's happy meal toy from 1988-- if i owned a house in the silicon valley, there would have to be something frightfully wrong with our society.
anyway, we called it quits after proficiently making fun of the man. and while none of us found too much, the experience was well-worth it. some good ol' fashioned family-time, with a little bit of awkward sociology never hurts.
oh, and i did realize that everyone, at every garage sale, was selling a stuffed octopus doll. sort of random.
the plan of attack was a balanced concoction of garage sale-shopping with my mom and sister, and drunken golfing with my friends-- an odd mix of events, like a pizza on a bagel, but my favorite style nonetheless. pleasant chaos.
i did, of course, make two fairly small-- but very relevant-- mistakes that friday.
2. those two packs of honey-roasted peanuts were all i ate outside of five baby carrots.
saturday morning, i woke up to my alarm and a pile of cold vomit on the hardwood floor. whiskey on an empty stomach is something not even i can handle. but, i'll tip my hat to my intoxicated-self: he managed to set an alarm for 9am and sobered up enough to wake up to it as well!
the night before, we went to golfland, though i don't think most people actually golfed. a homeless man told us that the word "golf" was originally an acronym for "gentlemen only. women forbidden." and we all swilled our drinks. the snack-shack cashier was very bothered by my honesty when i told him "don't fill the soda all the way, i'm just using it to hide my liquor and i don't want you to waste soda on me." but he was kind enough to ask if i'd just prefer ice (for free) instead.
i captured a praying mantis with my hands for the first time ever and learned they don't enjoy that very much, so i sort of threw it and we both proceeded to get into a very kung-fu-esque defense position before leaving for a nearby dive bar. i mean, the mantis didn't go to the bar (to my knowledge.) but you get the idea.
1:25am, leaving the bar.
1:30am, drunk-dialing.
2am, PLOW, vomit!
so, 9am. and it's already about 90 degrees: the great garage sale.
every year, there is this city-wide garage sale when all the neighbors put their personal lives out on big blue tarps and sit in lawn chairs nonchalantly pricing and selling their "#1 Dad" mugs and unusual collections. it's like finding a suburb made of goodwill stores that also sell lemonade.
but, this year, the great garage sale was not actually so great. my mom blamed the economy and i blamed the sun, but altogether the event seemed contrived. at times, we'd find garage sales so small it was unclear whether or not they were actually garage sales or just a family moving in a new kitchen table.
my mom wanted some patio furniture and children's books for her students, i'm not sure what me or my sister were looking for but sometimes it's just about looking.
no one really had anything too great, though i did buy a mac tonight riding a motorcycle and a novel titled sir farstalot hunts the booger, because... seriously.
but my mom's quest for patio furniture was outside the league of these garage sales.and the sellers were getting antsy as well-- after watching countless visitors mumble an insincere "how are you?" while quietly judging their belongings, only to leave without purchase. my sister bought a puffalump doll from one lady-- that made the two of them both very happy.
but the characters were great! it was so wonderfully voyeuristic i almost felt like i should be paying to experience so many garage sale people in one day. it was like scratchers in that way: it's not so much about winning money as much as it is the anticipation of the possibility while you scratch. you're paying for the experience.
the sea-life lady! oh, how boisterous. everything about her was the water. all of her items were spread out across beach blankets and she had cardboard cut-out waves that could be attached to your wall if you wished to give your bedroom a more... underwater feel. there was a wooden dock post with a stuffed seagull perched proudly atop, and several stuffed sea creature dolls.
we were looking at a fish puppet, when she started pitching to us.
"oh yeah," i said, "a little one right there."
"yep," she said, "and i've got a big one there, too. that big stuffed shark is a puppet! and i've got a shark hat!"
"oh, you do," i said, while suddenly noticing the baseball cap.
it was one of those hats that, when worn, should make others exclaim, "why, it looks as though a shark has swam right through your head! it's coming out of both sides!" and chuckle an particularly annoying chuckle.
"haha well," i smiled, "you've got to keep something, i guess."
"i've got dolphin items, too!"
as we left, we passed several posters of the little mermaid and i peered into the window of her truck. it was there. she wasn't lying.
a fluffy shark doll, with real shark teeth. just hanging out, catching some sun on her dashboard.
we must've hit over thirty different garage sales and after realizing i wasn't actually going to find too much, i spent each visit enjoying the ability to see knick-knacks and their owners. it's one thing to see underwear hanging in chinatown, but it's a whole other game seeing the owner of the underwear, too. it's sometimes very awkward.
there was one guy with an elaborate marble collection for sale not in a jar, but on a foam display tray, guarded by plexi-glass. beside the marbles, there were rows and rows of decorative swords that couldn't reasonably do any actual damage beyond embarrass the owner. he even had a battle-axe with blades shaped like two dragons.
i watched one seller try to explain what an xbox is to a middle-aged asian woman who could not figure out why a rock band drum-set couldn't play music without being plugged in.
and another debating with an indian duo that her portugeuse learning book was written for english-speakers and that it was not an english learning book for portuguese people or else the first page would not say "an introduction" in english. they weren't having it and i enjoyed watching the old lady grow more and more frustrated with them.
at one particular house, everything was outdoorsy: snowboards, skis, wake-boards, surfboards, climbing ropes, tents, and all. it was like walking into lombardi sports. in fact, the only non-outdoorsy item i found was the entire collection of the simpson's seasons on dvd. even though it's not particularly odd for someone to thoroughly enjoy wild-life and extreme sports, but also enjoy the simpson's, i couldn't help but wonder who the seller was. but before i could think for too long, i heard a familiar voice.
"ha," i said, immediately recognizing my former manual laborist co-worker at the old pet shop, "johannes. how is it?"
that was a nice surprise. and, come to think of it, if i were to break johannes down to just two hobbies i would probably have said "the outdoors and the simpson's" well before the garage sale meeting.
after about 2 or 3pm, everyone seemed to be closing up but my mom insisted on going to a few more before grabbing some food. it's times like that when i wonder how my stomach manages to ingest so much whiskey, vomit, then take caffeine and no actual food for six hours without complaints.
at the last garage sale, the crowds were mostly gone. it was just the three of us wishnacks, an indian man, and the owner of the house. i don't think i was even looking for treasure at that point, but some people were.
i looked around. there was my little sister, my mom, and a fifty-something man built like a logger. and none of them were anywhere near me. this man was asking me.
"do you know who does?" he asked.
"no, i don't," i said, "i just got here."
"do you know who i should talk to if i want to buy something?" he continued.
"sir," i said, "i know as much as you do," officially ending the conversation.
the logger jumped in-- though i'm pretty sure he heard and enjoyed the entire thing and could've stopped it at any point.
"oh!" the indian man said, "how much for this umbrella? there's no price-tag."
"it's not for sale. it's for shade."
i can't get that moment out of my head. why would he assume i owned the house? of everyone there, i was at least the second-most unlikely to own a house. i'm a twenty-five year-old long-haired child and i was carrying sir fartsalot hunts the booger, and a mcdonald's happy meal toy from 1988-- if i owned a house in the silicon valley, there would have to be something frightfully wrong with our society.
anyway, we called it quits after proficiently making fun of the man. and while none of us found too much, the experience was well-worth it. some good ol' fashioned family-time, with a little bit of awkward sociology never hurts.
oh, and i did realize that everyone, at every garage sale, was selling a stuffed octopus doll. sort of random.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Review - Jesus: Apocalyptic Prophet of the New Millennium by Dr. Bart D Ehrman
Amazon Summary
"[...]At last count," Ehrman begins, "there were something like 8 zillion books written about Jesus .... It's not there aren't enough books about Jesus out there. It's that there aren't enough of the right kind of book. Very, very few, in fact. I'd say about one and a half."
The right kind of book, according to Ehrman, is one that portrays Jesus roughly as Albert Schweitzer did, as a first-century Jewish apocalypticist: "This is a shorthand way of saying that Jesus fully expected that the history of the world as we know it (well, as he knew it) was going to come to a screeching halt, that God was soon going to intervene in the affairs of this world, overthrow the forces of evil in a cosmic act of judgment, destroy huge masses of humanity, and abolish existing human political and religious institutions. All this would be a prelude to the arrival of a new order on earth, the Kingdom of God."
Ehrman's is a historical-Jesus book, a very smart, humble, and humorous popular summary of Christian and secular evidence of Jesus' life, work, and legacy. He believes that apocalypticism is the true core of Jesus' message, and that comfortable middle-class complacency among scholars, clergy, and laypeople has forged a counterfeit, domesticated, "ethical" Jesus to cover up their befuddlement about his misprediction of the apocalypse.
The book will frustrate many readers because it offers no real guidance regarding what one should do with Jesus' apocalypticism. Its project--to prove that Jesus was wrong about the apocalypse--may even appear destructive to some. Yet the argument is convincing enough to induce among careful readers a constructive experience of confusion. Jesus makes readers ask the very question it appears to ignore, in a newly humble way: how, then, should we live? A serious matter, but considering humanity's endless string of wrong answers and infinite capacity for self-delusion, worthy of some good belly laughs, as well.
Since many messed up crazies have written about Jesus, I feel the need to preface this review by introducing the author, so as to show you that he isn't just a random nut with a bible, free time and an internet connection.
Dr. Bart D. Ehrman first attended Wheaton College where he earned his B.A., followed thereafter by a M.Div. and Ph.D. from Princeton Theological Seminary. He currently serves as the James A. Gray Distinguished Professor at the University of North Carolina where he teaches both graduate and undergraduate courses on a variety of subjects: New Testament Textural Criticism, Early Christian Apocrypha, The Apostolic Fathers, Literary Forgeries in the Early Christian Tradition, New Testament Greek and Exegesis and more are his domain. Dr. Ehrman has developed courses for The Teaching Company, and is frequently sought after by universities worldwide as a guest speaker. Bart is also the author of nearly two dozen books--some written as academic texts and others penned for a general audience--with three New York Times bestsellers to his name.
In short, the dude knows his stuff. Now that we know his credentials, let's move on to the book itself.
First Impressions
The thesis posited in this book is that Jesus is best understood as a Jewish apocalypticist. While this is not a new theory--in fact, it has been the dominant view of biblical academia for the better part of a century--Dr. Ehrman has taken it upon himself to climb down from the ivory tower and communicate this theory to a larger reading audience.
As with all books written by Dr. Ehrman, the information provided is well organized, thoroughly researched and presented clearly for ease of reading. The notion of Jesus as an apocalyptic prophet, Ehrman explains, is backed by strong evidence; namely, Jesus' abundance of apocalyptic messages are independently attested by numerous sources, including our earliest biblical resources available (Mark, Paul, and Q). Take just one example into account:
"And he said to them, "I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the kingdom of God come with power." - Mark 9:1
The speaker of this prophecy? Jesus of Nazareth. It is fitting to note that Jesus addresses the people he is speaking with, and reassures them that some among the crowd--some of those listening to Jesus right then and there!---would still be alive when the kingdom of God has come into power, heralded by the Son of Man.
This recurring prophecy of forthcoming cosmic judgement saturates the New Testament, especially within the gospels. If you're skeptical, you can read them for yourself, or read this book and see Ehrman explain the multitude of verses attributed to Christ that are clearly apocalyptic.
Ehrman argues, convincingly, that it should come as no surprise that Jesus was familiar with, and advocated, apocalyptic teachings. As a devout Jew, Jesus would be well familiar with the prophets of the Old Testament. The Book of Daniel is one such apocalyptic tale that Jesus would have heard read in the synagogue. Furthermore, Ehrman reminds us that the man who baptized Jesus, John the Baptist, was also an apocalyptic prophet who preached of repentance and the imminent day of judgement. Take the parable of the ax and the tree, which is difficult to understand in any context other than apocalyptically:
"The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire" - Matthew 3:10
So let's recap. We know that some of the prophets of the scriptures that Jesus read were apocalypticists. We also know that his confidant--the one who baptized Jesus himself--John the Baptist, was also an apocalypticist. Ehrman goes into further detail by showing how Paul (who is responsible for more books of the New Testament than any other author and ultimately shaped the faith) was also apocalyptically inclined (1 Cor. 15:20-28 | 2 Cor. 5:1-3 | 1 Thes. 4:15-18).Yet somehow, even with those who he read being of this persuasion, Jesus himself making such statements, and his greatest followers ardently believing this as well, most Christians today do not.
Why is this? Well, I won't get into the specifics (Ehrman does a much better job at it than I possibly could), but it is not surprising that the longer that Christians went without the world coming to an end, the less likely they were to emphasize apocalypticism, especially apocalyptic prophecy spoken by Jesus himself. This slight change from Jesus claiming an imminent end within a generation or two to an indefinite "soon" was an act of revision by the faithful. This is not quackery or the musings of scholars, it's evident to anyone who reads the gospels side by side, and takes notes of the slight changes in language and context; especially when read from earliest written gospels to later counterparts.
Earliest Sources: Mark, Q, Paul - All placed heavy apocalyptic themes on Jesus' lips
Later Sources: Matthew, Luke, Acts - Begin to see apocalyptic themes downplayed or slightly muted
Later Still: John, Thomas, Nag Hammadi Texts - The authors outright refute and attack apocalyptic views
If one's spiritual leader predicts, falsely, of an imminent end that never came, should it surprise any of us that later authors did not continue to write such things, and minimized, redefined or altogether eliminated teachings that said leader espoused? Such was the case for Christians in the years following Christ's death.
This is just a few of the arguments presented within the book. The proof is abundant, Ehrman is a wonderful teacher, and it all makes for a fascinating read.
Final Thoughts
The book was written in such a clear and astute manner, which is something that I've always appreciated from Bart Ehrman books. He doesn't dumb down the subject for the readers--he's just incredibly talented at presenting academic evidence to a general reading audience.
This book is great for anyone with an interest in the historical Jesus, or the transformation and development of early Christian beliefs subsequent to Christ's death. Since this was written in accordance with what can be historically demonstrated, one does not need any particular theological belief to enjoy reading this book.
With all that said, if you're new to Bart Ehrman, I suggest one of his more popular reads, such as Misquoting Jesus, God's Problem or Jesus Interrupted before tackling this book, which has a specific focus and may not appeal to all readers.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
So, yeah...
I had intended to get out a review today, but it's shaping up to be considerably more difficult than I initially expected. So yeah, here are completely irrelevant pictures of the awesome shirt and jacket I ordered tonight.
The review will be posted sometime Sunday.
Ciao.
Shirt & Ascot (Front) Shirt & Ascot (Back)
Jacket & Buckle (Front) Jacket & Buckle (Back)
Thursday, September 23, 2010
"The First Novel That Moved Me" Blog Hop: Mon, Oct 11th, 2010
Announcing my blog hop debut!
The theme of this blog hop is The First Novel That Moved Me. In other words, what is the first book that you remember reading that resonated with you? What novel left your mind lingering in thought over it day after day, well after you read it?
You may post your answer in any manner you so choose. Myself, I'll be treating it as a semi reflective/semi review, but you are more than entitled to do something completely different.
The sign up is below. If you wish to spread this blog hop, the code is also provided.
The official date of the hop is Monday, October 11th, 2010.
I look forward to reading all of your entries, and (hopefully) meeting plenty of new faces!
The theme of this blog hop is The First Novel That Moved Me. In other words, what is the first book that you remember reading that resonated with you? What novel left your mind lingering in thought over it day after day, well after you read it?
You may post your answer in any manner you so choose. Myself, I'll be treating it as a semi reflective/semi review, but you are more than entitled to do something completely different.
The sign up is below. If you wish to spread this blog hop, the code is also provided.
The official date of the hop is Monday, October 11th, 2010.
I look forward to reading all of your entries, and (hopefully) meeting plenty of new faces!
The News (As I See It) - pt. 3
Let's start off with some rather startling (but predictable) news; Amazon's Jeff Bezos has announced that within a year Amazon ebook sales will outsell paperback sales. This news follows quickly after their previous announcement that ebooks were already outselling their hardcovers by a substantial margin.
Many--myself included--predicted that this would be the inevitable result of the surge in digital readers and changing trends in both the publishing and reading communities, but, I must admit, even I didn't think it'd be upon us so quickly. Let's see if it holds true.
Flavorwire has taken a jab at the most common poses struck by authors for promotional photographs. There's no educational benefit in reading this, but it's good for a lark. I assure you, you'll think twice about resting your chin on your fist, writing at a typewriter, or casually lounging against a piece of furniture after reading this article.
Agent Query has recently launched a new forum for its members. As with the rest of Agent Query, this seems as though it'll become an invaluable resource for aspiring authors. Need to beef up your query or synopsis? Then take a gander, because everything is looking streamlined and structured to promote community involvement, perfect for aspiring authors searching for like minded individuals to bounce their material off of.
For all of you Suzanne Collins fans (I've yet to read The Hunger Games trilogy--but I will, I promise!), there's a a lovely article worth checking out in which she speaks quite candidly about the series post Mockingjay release, particularly in regards to her newfound celebrity and how her books operate as commentaries on the various aspects of war.
Writer's Digest has put out another useful list of ten. Today's subject? The Ten Commandments of Writing Fiction.
For comic book geeks, the senior managing editor of Dark Horse Comics recently sat down to share his thoughts on what it takes to write high quality comic books.
And as always, my aspiring authors, try to keep yourself from ending up on SlushPileHell.
What?! Yeah, Good Morning
i don't care what you say, the following video is oddly catchy. i wouldn't recommend watching it at work, but i would recommend watching it.
i dare say this may be the first documentable appearance of an uncircumcised cartoon penis. kind of gross. but sociologically historic.
i dare say this may be the first documentable appearance of an uncircumcised cartoon penis. kind of gross. but sociologically historic.
and i am completely aware that i just returned from a three-day disappearance by waking up early and presenting you with a short music video about buttholes and foreskin, but i've been busy-- and don't intend to feel guilty about that-- i'll try to write more sometime within the next Ωªº◊∫∂ƒ.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
TV Show Blogfest by Alex J. Cavanaugh
Alex J. Cavanaugh recently held a "Top 10 TV Show Blogfest". Here are my entries, albeit a day late. My entries are in no particular order.
Battlestar Galactica
Comedy for geeks.
A personal hero of mine.
Battlestar Galactica
Intelligent sci-fi at its finest.
The Sopranos
The only time TV became an artform.
The Simpsons
Greatest comedy of all time.
South Park
Pushing the limits since its inception.
The Colbert Report
As truthful as Fox News, but funnier.
The Daily Show
The voice of reason.
The Big Bang Theory
Comedy for geeks.
Frasier
There's never been anything like it.
Futurama
An accurate portrayl of the future.
Anything with Gordon Ramsay
A personal hero of mine.
(And no, I didn't forget Lost. It just doesn't make the list.)
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